Saturday, February 05, 2005

Love, Pity and Sex
A few days back I mentioned my friend S, who is heart broken by the fact that even after five years in the US he is still a virgin. At some point during his stay he wanted money, then he wanted a job and now he just wants sex (without having to pay for it coz he doesn't have the job or the money). So I did what any decently trained engineer would do - break down the problem into systematic chunks and try to find a solution.

Now, let's face it, though S is cool, he ain't cool enuff to avoid getting a cold shoulder. Bottom line - Coolness can get him a few laughs on a Friday evening from friends like us but not sex. So he needs another strength. Now charisma and charm aren't virtues one would immediately associate with S (the joke between friends is that S would get paid by his wife for indulging in celibacy). So we need a very novel strategy and considering the case in hand the only thing I could come up with was - pity sex.

Now I have to accept that I was quite impressed with my plan. S has to play with the angle that he can NEVER get sex from anyone (which, given his state, should not be very difficult to convince). Now imagine you are a single woman who wants some fun and no commitments. You have two options (a) cheesy smart guy in the bar who will give you all the fun but then leave you in the middle of the night and make you feel miserable OR (b) go for S - the guy with a depressed face and a bag full of sob tales. You know there is no way he'll get any sex in the next twenty years if not for your generosity then. So, if you use S, you can be assured that some guy, somewhere in this country, will wake up every morning for the next twenty years and think abt you; think abt you before going to bed and think abt you every time he sees a romantic flick on a Sunday night. Your face, voice and memories will be treasured by someone for years to come in exchange of some "fun" you were anyway planning to have. Is that a bad deal? Hmmmmm!

P.S. The author of this post is no authority (actually he is quite the opposite) on matters of love, sex and French Cuisine. Pardon his ignorance if it embarrassed you.

Let me say that your strategy is exceptional. In fact, my experience has been that it has a very high success rate.

The only potential downside is that pity sex sometimes leads to pity relationships. Those can be quite disastrous...
Dr. Gupta, the whole World recognizes your expertise in the field of love and I am but one your many fans. Question for you Sir - would you rather go for a "pity relationship" or "petty relationship". The eager reader awaits your answer.
You remind of that quiz wizkid in Magnolia...remember that bar scene and that "I'm full of love" thingy!? Hmm...I wonder...
aha, good ol' donnie smith :)
send him to delhi. there are people here wholl sleep with ANYONE.
provided he isnt choosy, of course.
Or he could always try the true and trusted college method.
1) Grow his hair a little longer, and don't shave for a couple of days.
2) Wear a kurta, faded jeans, and chappals
3) Crash a college "New Age" party
4) Keep looking off in the distance, with a mysterious look on the face
5) Throw around a few trigger terms like karma and chakra
6) When people start thronging, speak of the "sublime beauty of tantric sex"
7) Make sure the apartment is cleaned up before going to the party
Sivani - wow, wow, wow. Absolutely brilliant!
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