Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Rated R
Two weeks back I went for a movie with a girl I dint know too well. The movie was great until naked people started appearing on screen. Oops! They did it again. It's happened before and I'm guessing it'll happen again. Years ago when I was in high school I went to watch Braveheart alone with a girl (btw, does alone with a girl sound right?). The movie was great (I am a sucker for historical pieces) until Mr. Gibson and Ms. Someone-I-Don't-Remember went all "hey hey" in the hay. Since then the situation has led to several deja vus and I still have no freakin clue on how to deal with it?

So, for starters, what's the big deal? Elementary Dear Watson - men behave differently in the company of men ... and women don't know that. Back in school we had gone for Species with some five hundred thousand fellow male students. Now, for those of u who haven't seen the movie - Natasha Henstridge spent very little time with the costume designer. Every time the hot bod(y) would appear on screen you could hear "Yeahs!" and "Whoas!" in unison. Then, we men also like to assume the role of judges. "Which of the two girls did you like more?" "I thought Sharon Stone over did it. I liked Jeanne Tripplehorn more ...", we succumb to our basic instincts. "Did you see her when she came out of the shower???" ... the list just goes on.

ALL THESE THINGS ARE A BIG NO WITH WOMEN. But ... but ... but, you can't just keep all quiet either. Not if before that the two of you smiled and spoke after every scene. Not if during the courting scene you smiled, did the "looking at the screen yet slanting towards her" move and said, "So has that happened to you? You must be getting a lot of that." Not if she laughed hysterically during the scene where the guy gets dumped, came close to your ears and said, "Now that must have happened to you a lot." Nudity = awkwardness; and we have to deal with that. You can't stare at the screen - then you are a pervert, you can't look away - then she knows that you are uncomfortable, you can't whistle - then she'll kill you, you can't keep quiet for too long - then it's eerie and you can't just say "I'll be back in a minute" and run away - coz then you are not man enuff.

"Help!" yelped the farmer boy as the naked sheep fleeted before his eyes.

Having spent my entire adult life accompanying women to movies, here's my advice on what to do.

Keep looking at the screen, so that you don't appear the least bit uncomfortable. However, make sure you have a smile on your face, and give off an air of mild amusement rather than lust. It helps if you gently snigger/chortle under your breath.

This way, you're making it clear that these things are not worth staring at. Also you are subtly expressing your mild condescension of Hollywood for its gratuitous use of nudity.
Yawn is the best medicine...just keep on yawning till the yellowish hue is gone from the screen...or suddenly check on u r cell phone...donno if these works but at least better than a long silence...
Ani u r great - if u are ever down in SD, me and u will go for a movie (I dunno if that serves as an incentive) ...
Ari - yawn is a big no - "you find the naked female form boring???" she'll say and assume you are gay. I switch off my cell phone before the movie starts - so that doesn't work either :(
Oh you guys should go to one of those Delhi theaters while it's showing Basic Instinct. The chicks (invariably from Miranda House!) make the biggest din!
ani, HOW are u such a store house of information on matters related to relationships?? HOW??? please blog more!!
Hey what should i do?
Guys who take me to movies don't think of me as girl,well if they did they wouldn't take me for a movie in the first place. so i whistle with them and tell them if they should settle for the shower scene or the beach one!!!
So does that make me cranky? :(
cranky??? not at all. btw - which one did you choose - the shower one or the one by the beach???
Reminds me of the story of the fairly recently-weds who went for a movie with his parents.
As these things tend to happen, she ended up sitting next to her mother-in-law in the movie.
The movie was Against All Odds, but you're too young to remember it, so let's just say there were a few steamy scenes.
The young wife was feeling more and more embarrassed, until her mother-in-law bent towards her and whispered: "Oh, I wonder where they bought those sheets? I *love* the color!"
oh sheet :)
Look at the girl.She'll look back with a amused/evil grin/confused expression! It's fun!
I'll do that Srini but if I get beaten up I will know who to sue :)
So far, not beaten up.None have sued me also :)
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