Thursday, June 16, 2005

Bonded with the best 

I remember reading that Lee Tamahori (who directed Die Another Day) wanted James Bond to wear a T Shirt in one scene but faced severe opposition because it was considered too risque a move for 007. Over the years Tarantino too has expressed his desires to make a "cooler" Bond. So a few days back when J asked me what I would do differently if given a chance to direct a Bond flick I had to make some quick decisions. Obviously the first thing I would do is thank my mom, dad, neighbors, pets and the mad producer who would hand over the reigns of one the World's most established franchises in my hand. But then? How will my 007 be any different from the existing ones? Read on.

I want to make my Bond a bit of a wimp. A very talented guy who hates being the supercool agent he is. Seriously. It has always irked me that Bond is uber cool and composed. He appears too unreal.

"Mr. Bond, the bomb is ticking. Your hands are tied. The rocket is about to leave and your girl friend is in a cage with a tiger," says the eye patched Mokatuku.

Just put yourself in that position. What would you do? There's no shame in accepting that you'll wet your pants. You'll start crying like a lil wimp. But what does Bond do? He smiles and tells Mokatuku, "The battle is not over till it's over" or some crap like that. And fifteen minutes later Mokatuku is in the cage with the tiger, the bomb has been diffused, the rocket is back in the hands of the mad scientist who it was stolen from and Bond is shaking and stirring things up in a bed with the exotic European hottie. Isn't that annoying?

In comparison my Bond will be more human. The moment Mokatuku threatens him, he'll will start sweating. Maybe he will even have BO. He'll shout "Mama, mama! I hate this job. This is the last time I'm doing anything like this." The European girl will shout, "Save me. The tiger will eat me up!" and Bond will shout back saying, "Shut up you a@%e hole. Here I am, tied up with a bomb, who cares if you are with a tiger." Don't get me wrong. Bond will still save the day but I just wanna make him more real.

"That'll be fun," J remarked. "But do you think people will come to see such a movie?"

"They sure would," I replied. "Did I forget to tell you that there'll be lots of hotties prancing around in bikinis and the entire climax will be shot in a swimming pool?"

"Ahaaaa," J said. "Ahaaa!"

I will not watch your movies where heros (especially bond :@) cries or wets his pants :-|

Jackie Chan movies are more realistic, even though he is not heroic always.
@ratna - ok deal :) no wetting pants. but bond still cries ... hmmmm ... at least he sobs. ok :)
Guess he needs to get more shagadellic ala 'I got mojo' Austin Powers :)
Wait wait wait....lemme think. How about a bond who's getting too old for this shit!
Oh wait. They already did that 50 times in Lethal Weapon. Damnit.
Watch "Kya Kool hai hum".it is really funny like Masti
@rohan - abso right! Austin Power might be the man of the swinging sixties but to me he is the bond of the nineties :)

@anangbhai - why just lethal weapon, look at Sean Conery himself in Never Say Never Again. he was 50+ when he made that movie. thankfully we still remember him for the earlier ones :)

@anon - i will surely see it - but is it like James Bond??? :)
bond no big deal... do it like leather weapons, more real...

why not dun call ur movie "james bond" or anything like tat? juz "sagnik d great"? =P

it will be fun, i think: sagnik saving the day, thru his humour, sweat, fighting with heroine etc etc... =P
opps, juz realised tat i mistype lethal weapon!! wat on earth am i thinking abt?!?! help, my hero sagnik!!!! =P
but we have already seen the desi version of the Bond -Mr.Akshay Khanna himself!

but i wish u'd shoot the climax seen differently :))
Mel Brooks probably will direct one such thing later on. And I am sure he will be the 007
It might be intresting to see bond go up against decent soliders/henchmen, ones that can actuly hit a target from across the room. He would have to change his tactics (which is normaly, run through the open and hope that not one of the 10 armed gun men with automatic rifles hit, they never do). Id like to see how he would react to that kind of senario. he he.

Another thing, what about the gadjets. no bond is complete without gadjets. Id love to know what amazeing toys will feature in your version. Heres my idea for one, A wireless broadband enabled tooth pick, with 80 gig of memory and built in GPS guidence! With a built in reminder system to make sure bond keeps his teeth shiny clean.
@lynniebabi - excellent idea :)) all i need now is a producer and some heroine who wouldn't mind being with the sweaty me :)

@swathi - you wont believe it but my sis and i saw mr. bond at least 3 times (yeah we were that jobless). btw, have you seen a much earlier Hindi movie called Gunmaster G9 that starred good ol' Mithun as the desi stud and Mappi Lahiri doing the theme tune?? You should check it out :)

@ari - melbrooks can do everything but not get the hot European hottie. btw, happy vacation. enjoy!

@edge - dude! don't know abt bond but you make that device and you will surely get a PhD. sorry, that's how a grad student mind thinks :)
Dude, you are a freak. But then I will watch the movie for the climax on the swimming pool, surely :)
Nooo!!... its against the rules!...

On a related note, imagine Spider/ Super/ Bat/ (your_favorite_ super_hero)-man rescue damsel-in-distress/ kick bad guys a$$ with underwear living up to its name! Simply Unacceptable.
@flaming-cyanide - oh then you will love the special dvd edition where we just deal with the models and no bond. have you ever wondered how cool it'll be if we can just combine all the bond women and take away suave bond from the eqn??

@ajay - funny that you mentioned it coz another things i wanna do is have a superhero whose underwear is too tight for him ad he is very emabarrassed abt it :) how cool will that be??
oooh! or we could have a Bond who has an eating disorder...

Random Spy Dude: Mr. Bond, the world is being threatened by Rabid Ninja Chihuahua's!
Bond: Oh No! I need fattening foods!

(Bond eats large amounts of chocolate and then has a heart attack)

or maybe he could have a really irritating habit ...

Random Spy: Mr. Bond, ..umm could you please stop picking your nose during briefings.
@sagnik - Ive been trying to make that tooth pick for your movie, it would work exelently with the eating disorder bond. But so far all ive got is a tooth pick taped to my computer, I need some time to minimise the hardware.
It can warn you to clean your teeth if you have a moniter, and a socket, a key board, cables, and a desk would help.
But so far I havent got GPS, or wireless broadband, or even normal broadband, or 80 gig. Dont worry, I'll figure it out some time. Untill the technolgy issue is sorted im researching changeing the tape for glue to make it more aerodynamic. Anyone got a wind tunnel i can borrow?
@sridhar - i really like the nose picking bond idea :)) imagine if we keep all of bond's other traits (coolness, charm, libido, courage) but just make him pick his nose. i doubt if he will be half as popular as he is :))

@the-edge - dude, from what you say - you are pretty much there already :) a few more steps and hola - we have that product ready. i guess that till then we have to just wait on "the edge" :)
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