Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Part-ner Part-one 

Disclaimer: A lot of the stuff (a looooooot) on this blog is fiction. Like this post. I better defend myself and my reputation. Good! Now read on :)

Two of my close friends are into the partner selection game these days. Earlier the parents would do all the hard work - find the girl, find the guy, find out if the guy has a job, find out if the girl can cook non-vegetarian, find out why the guy's last girl friend left him and if that "problem they heard abt" was actually true. But now we've all become cool. We shriek at the very mention of arranged marriages, let alone not playing a big role in one. So once a prospective girl/guy is chosen for us, it's upto us to take the game further. All this made me think and I figured that I have no freakin clue how to interact with a prospective partner, especially when I might not have even seen the person.

So let's assume that my mom finds this girl who she thinks is perfect for me. She tells me abt her. My first reaction is "What, arranged marriage? No way!" "Does Mom think I can't get a girl for myself?" I repair my bruised ego and tell Mom an emphatic No. I tell her that I'm from generation X - I can't marry someone my parents have chosen for me. Undeterred by my refusal, Mom tries to make a case for the girl. She tells me that the girl is very beautiful and cooks, cleans, stitches, paints and dances like Michael Jackson. "Hmmmmm! Michael Jackson," I tell myself but instantly realize the trap I'm falling for and shoo mom away once again. Mom tries again and so I'm left with no option but to use my favorite topic changing trick. "I hate cooking," I crib to her. "I tried making chicken curry today and failed miserably" my heart cries the tune of feigned failure. "What? You couldn't make chicken curry?" Mummum gasps. "It's so simple. Just boil the chicken and add ..." Ten minutes later I finish my tenth lesson in making chicken curry and Mom completely forgets the girl she was talking abt.

Three weeks later I'm walking down the road and I see this cute couple holding hands. They look very sweet together. The guy is wearing a very loose pair of jeans. He puts his hand on the zipper area and pulls up his jeans and the whole move reminds me of Michael Jackson. "what if" my heart sings. "What if that girl Mummum mentioned was here now," I tell myself. That evening I call up home. I wonder how to bring up the whole topic of the girl again. Mummum begins to tell me how easy it is to make mashed potatoes with diced tomatoes and I say, "Why don't you just teach it to that girl you were talking abt and she can make it for me." I don't forget to put on a cocky tone, lest Mummum thinks I'm desperate. Having been reminded of the girl Mummum gets down to praising her again. How she "always stood first in class" and that she "stood no ordinary stood" but stood all of five feet seven inches. She goes on for ten minutes. She even tells me that the girl's father is a very respected man and laughed at my father's jokes. "Ok! If you insist so much I'll contact her," I say reluctantly. Mummum shouts in joy. She quickly takes out the lil digital diary that I gifted her and reads out the girl's email ids (both the yahoo and the msn one), phone number, fax number and web site details. "Just contact her once," she says earnestly before saying that "the tomatoes have to be washed twice before you add them to the potatoes."

Ok! So imagine that I now have pretty_face_1980_dancer_girl_cooks2@yahooo.com's email id. What do I do next? I have no idea what to say to a person who you approach with the intent of producing future kids with. Do I start with a joke? Do I send her my resume? Tell her that I know both Java and C++? What do I do? Thank GOD i haven't had to face any situation like this till now. But in case I do it's likely that it'll be the first of many such two way interviews and it's a good idea to be prepared for it. That's what the next post will be abt. A quick guide to what I plan to do if introduced to my baby's mommy. So come back tomorrow for part deux (which is due) :)

just email here ur blog url dude! that should do the trick! ;o)
i second it ...

lol@"I have no idea what to say to a person who you approach with the intent of producing future kids with."
of course i keep hearing 'bout ppl mentioning Java ,C++ which rnt watz reqd if ur intent is kids :))
@shub - aaah! if only things were that simple :((

@swathi - are you trying to say that no girl would fall for me after seeing some neatly commented code written by me ???? :((
"lonely, im mister lonely.. i have nobopdy , of my owwwnnnnnn..'
------sung by Akon( in a warner bros cartoon chipmunk style)...
ahh, sagnik, you are giving out loser undertones, brother. lol. even in an utterly imaginative, what it, post. that desperate r u?lol. but yes i agree with swathi and shub. just prochar ur blog url by email. that smart bit of self PR might just do the job which stammering incoherently on the phone won't.
@sayantani - exactly what i had feared :) that was a purely fictional situation. two of my friends have just started communicating with possible would-bes and i wondered how i would react to the situation. that's ho the post came. the fact that i'm loely (mr lonely) and desperate is true :) but that has nothing to do with the matter in this post :))
Brahthar, don't even go there!

Re: your earlier post about ending conversations - don't call me, I'll call you!

I wanted to say exactly what shub said -- the blog shud do the trick ;-)
ooooh! I shall just wait for part deux.
but, u did say it was fiction.hmmm.
Hey Sagnik, looks like people somehow missed the disclaimer you put up in bold at the top :)

Looking forward to read part-two!
heyy mabbe u shud just call her n talk abt her interests(which u shud hv got readily known 4m ur mom which is very much enthu over the whole thing) n probably start off talking "hi howz ya? n heyyy...u love cooking..me too...n then go blah blah..on a very different unique reciepe(which shud also be gud) tat u hv got 4m ur mom)"..howz tat?? but u better catch hold of ur mom n get all the details 4m her:):):)
waky waky:)...am so eager to get a taste of this 'preparation' plan...
As u know someone made it work with 'Me Tarzan u Jane' so I am pretty sure u cant do any worse than that :)
That club idea sounds good u r on......Mr. Hitch u better watch it u got some competetion
@JAP - not planning to either but maybe some day all this can some handy :)

@atta-girl - i will repeat what I told Shub - "I wish it was that simple" :)

@angel - 123% pure fiction. non kiddin :)

@ramya - i guess i will have to start classifying all my posts into two fiction and non-fiction category :((

@anon - only problem is that most women will say an actual recipe and i will return the info with mashed potatoes - yes just mashed potatoes :(

@me(!) - coming soon to a rundown theatre near you :)

@rohan - dude, anybody who picked a girl calling himself Tarzan is super wild :)
You can ask her if she can cook chicken and ask her how many times the tomatoes needs to be washed before adding it to the potatoes :)

Disclaimer: These comments are part of the fiction;)
no fair:(
@ratna - see! it is always the well-settled lady that gives meaningful advice :)

@me(!) - just wait for the blockbuster - it will have action, emotion, music, dances and three rain songs too :)
Hey that line was used successfully by the man himself (tarzan).....nyone else even thinking of using that pickup line is likely to so that at their own risk
@Sagnik & Rohan - If Gary Larson of The Far Side is to be believed, Tarzan didn't have it that easy either :)
@Rohan - :(( i was cracking a "wild" pun and nobody got it :(( bad pun.

@Megha - that is awesome. where did you find that woman :))
@megha Tarzan sure had himself all worked up before he came up with that legendary one liner....I guess spontaneity does work after all :)
@sagnik stop working up those bad puns and start writing ur eagerly awaited sequel
We got the 'wild' pun Sagnik. We just pretended like we didn't see it :)

See now you asked me where I found it, giving me a chance to pull out the lecture podium and talk about Gary Larson - one of my favorite cartoonists (along with Bill Watterson of Calvin and Hobbes fame). The Far Side is kooky, satirical, funny and insightful amongst other things. Uncomfortable social situations, highly improbable events, looking at things from the other point-of-view, like how a grazing cow would feel when tourists drive through the countryside, or a lab-rat looking at the scientist that's about to dissect it .. this is what he does best. With no regular characters in his strip, Larson's recurring motifs include life on the farm, farmers, chickens, cows, cavemen, scientists, aliens and such.

I was introduced to The Far Side by a friend about 5 years ago and have been hooked since! You should give it a shot sometime, Sagnik. Think you might like it :)

End of lecture. To all those who already knew about Larson and The Far Side, my apologies. Ciao :)
@Rohan - Oh yes, spontaneity is always a winner! Even if it is the planned kind ;)
What you need is professional advice. This should pretty much help you out...

These are actual ads on a matrimony site www.shaadi.com. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!
- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i
working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks

yours Regards Sowmya ~*~

-i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework


-Wants a man who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. he may never create any difficulties in my life or his life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you

(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

-he should be good looking and should have a service. he Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. he should be educated.
(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........ hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

i am simple girl.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because
ofmylucknow i amlooking oneboyhe caremeandloveme lot lot lot
(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)

My husband should be as 'Shiva' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT......
(Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure she must be demanding too much, ain't he?)

i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he
should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell...)

(all of us are loughing{laughing})
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would bde called the man
of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me
what this girl wants)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~i am pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred
(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)
iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.
(actually what is this girl doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes

(height of desperation!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~-I want one boy who love me or my mother. he love me heartly or he havea frank he's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is
heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome girl or not a good
looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good girl. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR.
bye bye.
(uttama purishinin)

iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.
(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first husband.his charactor is not good'. i expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ...
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, boy simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.
(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)

to be married on jan-2005. working man perferable (this girl has fixed the marriage date too! But she is yet to find a bridegroom.
I wish her best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure she will get one soon.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~i would like a beautyfull boy. and i do not want his any treasure. because boy is the maharaja.
(Now he is going to be a lucky boy! Any takers?)
ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.
(Any takers again?)
@megha-ji - thank you for the info - shall check out the cartoon pronto :)

@ajay - darn man! you just took away all my material from my next post :(( jokes apart - great one! thanks :)
Lol lol lol....Ajay and Sagnik!
the above ads were originally complied by a MSian http://www.mouthshut.com/review/TamilMatrimony.com-61096-1.html
& was taken from tamil matrimony not shaadi.com
@ideasmith - thanks :)

@anon - wow that's what i call precise information - you have to be a PhD student :)
@anon: damn! :( For stealing my thunder and all... :)
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