Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Best Hindi Movie Ever Made 

I had one of the most hilarious chats in recent times with M (of who shall be not be named fame). I wish I had recorded the whole conversation so that I could put it up in audio format coz my feeble attempts with Hindi were hear-worthy. However, the author shall still try to recreate the discussion. Ahem! Ahem!

So we were contemplating making a big budget Hindi movie based on the Harry Potter series. We had to make obvious changes to the story. Children movies don't do well in India and hence Hogwarts was converted into an undergraduate college. *So now we can have the whole college romance and "dance next to trees" angle* We obviously were thinking big - sequel big - one after another sequel ... ala LOTR big. So the first thing we needed for publicity was to come up with the names of the initial movies. So ladies and gentleman, behold. You are abt to be privy to the names of some of the biggest cinematic bonanzas to hit the Indian silver screen in the coming years. These include:

1. Hari Puttar Aur Bhabuk Admi Ka Patthar (yes bhabuk admi is the best Hindi translation for philosopher that I could come up with)

2. Hari Puttar Aur Raaz Ka Dabba

3. Hari Puttar Aur Kalaapani Ka Quadi *initially it was Tihar but M felt that Kalapaani should win*

4. Hari Puttar Aur Jwala Ka Katora

Need I even mention the star cast? Aren't the names enuff to get millions of people flocking into the theatres? Nevertheless, here are some actors we considered for the principal roles. We considered both an A and B grade version of the movie, lest we run into financial constraints.

1. Harry - we need a young, innocent, yet angry hero for this role. For the A-grade version we thought of Junior AB as Hari and for the low budget B-grade version, we have Vatsal Seth (he appeared in an obscure movie called Tarzan the Wonder Car) playing the Fab Wizard or maybe even the "young" Dev Anand

2. Ron - Saif will be a good Ron (he's a tad bit old to play the college student friend of AB but whatever). For the B-grade movie we needed someone funny to play Ron and I suggested Johny Lever. Ok! Ok! He's probably Hari's father's age but the story will show him as the college kid who never clears exams (a favorite stock character from Hindi movies). Incidentally, Johny Lever will play Fred and George in the A-grade version as well. So Johny fans needn't worry. In a movie of change - he's gonna be the only constant character :)

3. Hermione was tricky. We needed somebody who could be both cute and bubbly and yet appear to be studious. I suggested Slushy Sush but M vetoed it out *apparently she can't look serious*. Priyanka Chopra and Kareena (who was my first choice) were vetoed out too and finally we settled with Rani (who we know can be quite Babli). *Incidentally, we unanimously agreed that Esha Deol will play Moaning Myrtle* :)) In the B-grade version, M wants Amrita Rao as Ms. Granger but I somehow want to consider Upasana Singh (of countless Daku movies fame) for the role. Lesse who gets chosen.

4. Voldemort was a toughie. We needed someone empowering and given both M and my fascination for the Big B - we thought he'll make an amazingly menacing Bad Guy (John Abrahan will play the younger Tom Riddle). For the B grade version I wanna see Shakti Kapur. And yes he has to say "Aaaaaooooo"! No compromises on that :)

Lotsa other members were finalized too - Sanjay Dutt was zeroed in to play Sirius Black (who incidentally will be called Gambhir Kala), Sharad Kapur or Deepak Tijori could be Malfoy and Paresh Rawal or Sadashiv Amrapurkar was assigned the role of Snape.

I could just go on and on and on - but it's the audience whose vote counts most :) Do you have other artists in mind ??? Will you pay to watch it on screen ???? *or will you hunt us down and kick our innocent buttocks*?

The Hindi starcast looks pretty set- except Harish has been overlooked....
But, 20 years after the mega success of the Hari Puttar series at Bollywood- do u think Anjan Chowdhury (if hes still alive) wont direct the Hori Putro series...Prosenjit-by that time in mid-50s- should be playing Hori Putro....

Ron- Has Chinmoy retired? If not, I think he can be game...
Voldemort- Biplab- who else- after having such a pivotal role in Parineeta...he should be back at what he does best...
Hermione- Rituparna- she should be mid-40s by then.

And by the way- u r back to u r favorite conversation over the phone- i should be doing the same....
I will definitely come ... but only if you have Yana Gupta and Malaika Arora doing a nice item number during the first day of School every year :) They can do it on the same table where Gryffindores eat so Harry... oops Hari can get up and do his thing as well... Btw who will be Hagrid and who will be Dumbledore?
:)) super hillarious Sagnik!
@ari - awesome man. a Bengali Hari Putro will take the cake - and you have got the casting correct to the T - though I am tempted to make Chinmoy Hagrid and make Jeet be Ron :)

@indra - oh! there will be item numbers galore - Hari's uncle and aunt will be shown as zamindars who have regular mujras at their place. aha! hagrid will be tricky - i wanna ay Kader Khan but i'm not too sure - any ideas?

@rathish - thanks man :)
Some nuggets, tidbits and comments :

1. I suggested 'Fakir ka Pathhar' but S stood his ground. Insisted that 'emotional man' was the closest one could get to philosopher.

2. Attention is to be drawn to the choice of dabba for chamber and and katora for goblet. Just wanted to point those out in case someone missed the fine translations.

3. "Slushy Sush but M vetoed it out *apparently she can't look serious*. Priyanka Chopra and Kareena (who was my first choice) were vetoed out too"

M said that Sush cannot look geeky and academic, and so ruled her out. Otherwise Sush could simply sneeze and M will gladly watch her.

4. The idea of Ashutosh Rana as Voldemort was floated around briefly by S. Groan.

5. I still say that Tihar Jail does gross injustice to Azkaban. It has got to be Kaalapani. Readers please support me on this. S is not thinking on a large enough scale.

That should do for now.
@M: Sush once taught Chemistry classes in saris.
Whhhat!!...no place for Tushaar!! what ignominy ...tsk tsk
@m (who shall not ...) - oh yes! minor details :))

@arijit - very true - i still want slushy ssh as hermione - we want we want we want ...

@gvenum - sh!t now you make me wonder from scratch - Tushar as Hari and Riteish Deshmukh as Ronny - what say?
Waah?...I thought I would play Hermione :(( (Although I would have a hard time selecting between Harry and Ron!)
Wat u r making a movie minus Aishwarya Rai and Mallika Sherawat, I aint showing up to a theatre near me for this one. Hey Amrish puri wud have been the perfect Voldemort :(
I am actually waiting for Megha's take on this post, am sure she will come up with the most obscure of names for lead actors for casting.
@ramya - ok we can cast you as hermione - but you have tp pay the producers :)) that might be our only way of making some dough :))

@rohan - oooops! how could i forget Mallika Sherawat :O i don't mind her in any "roll"

as far as Megha is concerned, the poor girl is way too busy with her own blog :)) comments to post out here :)
If only amrish puri was alive.
@Rohan - Samajdhar ko ishara kaafi hai.If you notice carefully, Meghaji left her marks already:)) no matter how much the author wants to deny it.
So is Megha == M ???
@anangbhai - very very true - then no competition only

@sherlock - :)) i wish Megha reads this *i am quite sure that she reads my blog* and i hope M doesn't read this *i'm very sure that she will though* this will be funny :))

@indra - na re! but the names have at least 2 more alphabets in common :)
hey this is great!

what about amitab playing the nice guy dumbledore and gulshan grover playing voldemort?
Yeah - and we can also throw in a fair amount of exitement in the form of Jhaado-udaan pratyogita

(Quiddich for the uninitiated)
Well well well. I don't visit this blog for a few days and what do I see? Someone's apparently being mistaken for me! And I thought one was bad enough :)

@Rohan - Too much PSW talk has me already dreaming of Sumeet Saigal, so I think we should go with Sagnik's casting, for the sake of my sanity. But I am already imagining a Hari Puttar in a transparent T-shirt, singing 'saawan ka mahina aaya hai ghata se barsa hai paani' to his lady love .. who then transforms into the snake that lives in the Chamber of Secrets - Naagini! Ah yes, I love it when all the dots connect! :)

@AJ - LOL! jhaadu-udaan pratyogita was a classic! :)
Cast if fine !

We can have another item number where the Big B and Bigger B will be dancing together and we can put Yana, Aish,Mallika and every item girls in the item numbers for such a big college !

Still trying to figure out how "chamber" = "dabba " !

Just can't wait to see "Kajrare-Kajrare " Ver-2.
Btw, can I be the designer , I mean the fashion/dress designer for the stars but don't worry , I'll leave Mallika to you guys!

And who will be the music director? Hindu movies without 11-15 songs seems so non-hindi ?
Anu Mallik should be the best music director for this,what do you say ?
@anat - actually gullu grover is a fab idea - specially if he keeps saying "voldermot is a very Bad Man" :)

@aj - i shall repeat what Megha (who can be named) said - brilliant!!!!

@megha - ah! thanks for making a visit at an opportune moment. thank you *even though the thought of Sumeet Saigal is scary*

@debalina - cool so u be the dress designer but what do you have in mind, eh?

also the whole tons of item girls thing sounds so nice that i am thinking of not even having the rest of the movie - just yana gupta dancing for 2 hrs - not bad at all :))
Ah, I see the rumour-mongers are here. Nice :) Gives me an opportunity to share a part of this dream I once had. I don't remember the details of the dream, and would have forgotten it completely, except that a few days later I saw a comment on this blog, which brought bits of it back. And now I can finally write about it. :)

Basically, it was a dream that contained stuff related to blogs I read. In the dream, I became convinced at some point, that Sagnik and BridalBeer, are the same person. (I'm guessing it had something to do with the whole common-Calcutta-factor.) And ever since, I've been unable to find any infomation convincing enough to allow me to believe that it cannot be true.

Sagnik, any confessions? :)
aha! so itz pouring Hari puttar in the blogworld.

well shud say 'am not too happy with ur cast ,injustice has bin done both to J.Abraham (droool...)(need to find him a better role) n Amrita Rao (who i think is cute) n cud b cast as Ginny

also seems like Suniel Mr.Shitty is conspicious by his absence -so he cud play the younger Tom Riddle.

Dumbledore can b our very own Hangal and Hagrid can be Satish Shah

I think Sri Sri AlokNathji is also missing -he cud b Ron's father, after all he is used to those roles.
I am back again, this time with another question.
Sagnik Da, how come your film won't have Tulip Joshi in it ?
Gulshan Grover for Lucius Malfoy
Preity Zinta for Hermione Granger
Ajay Devgan for Snape
Rahul Dev for Viktor Krum
Om Puri for Filch
Kareena Kapoor for Mrs.Norris (that's Filch's cat for those who haven't read the books!)
Sagnik, it's "Daarshanik", the correct form of Bhabuk Aadmi, though I think the latter will do just fine as well.
@rajesh - that's hilarious. and no i don't have any proof of innocence to offer. bridalbeer is a good friend of mine and all i can say is that she is a lot more talented than i am ... and very hot too :)

@swathi - satish shah as hagrid is awesome. and alok nath can be lupin maybe *though he'll be a lil too old for that* but yes, i agree - aloknath has to be there :)

@debalina - coz tulip joshi will be very busy tking care of our children when i am out directing the movie :)

@ideasmith (who is a HP geek) - i resent the under the table shot taken at Kareena :) otherwise brilliant casting :)

@thalassa - uiiii maaaa! such a difficult word :O between you and me "bhabuk admi" was one of my better shots - earlier attempts included "jo chinta karta hai" :)
And what about Kajol ?

I want her to be in the movie, otherwise I will ask Mallika to wear dresses.
Ooh, ooh, Ajay Devgan would make a wonderful Snape. And yes, Tihar would never do justice to Azkaban. Besides, Azkaban is surrounded by water, haalloooo..
I apologize for all the confusion my username has created for all the other "M"s around and therefore now have an add on to my M, hoping that will leave a little less confusion around.
@Swathi U know wat Hangal wud be a very good idea with most ppl guessing he dies of old age than In the 6th movie (oops I guess i blew the lid for lots of u who still havent gotten around to finish it)
@m Exactly how many M's are there?
I think "Chintak" is the closest to philosopher.

And how will the songs be ?

If david dhawan were directing, then every second scene, bahaduur potter, bhola ron, chaalak (or buddhimaan) hermione and gang will break into a song "Meri waand ka maaja jaara chakhna..oye makhna, oye makhna" (No. It will be "Waand" and not Chaadi. Engliis makes it "hatke" :)) )
@debalina - Kajol is busy with family - he can only do a small role and yet she has to do a significant one - she can do a guest appearance as Hari's mom - but whatever be the case Mallika doesn't wear clothes - that's it :)

@jasmine - aaaah! what's with women and Ajay Devgan liking :) What abt Manoj Bajpai for Snape??

@m (with new name) - sorry for the confusion too :)

@rohan - aha! a closet Hangal fan I see :))

@anshul - lol! if shawan ji directs the flick then there is no two questions abt Ron - it has to be Shakti Kapoor and the perfect school song will be "Aaa aaa eeee oooo ooo ou, mera dil na todo ..." :)
oops. @thalassa_mikra is right (Daarshnik)
Bhabuk Aadmi is fine, but gender biased :)
Veechaarak is also another closest. Actually now, the philosopher is gasping for breath. Arre, itne saare log "close" honge, to suffocation toh hoga na.
@rajesh: He is not Bridalbeer. She may not be who she would like you to think she is, though.
@anshul - will bhabuk insaan do - you can see how possesive i am with what i think is my best attempt at Hindi :))

@anon - thank you for clearing that out. do you know both of us???
do you know we (my college quizing team)were the original "hari puttars", you hack!!!
and oh! we were quite the stars and created enough drama, thank you :P
@ashanka - kudos kudos! aaaah! it's been ages since i quizzed. so long, that i have never attended a quiz where a Harry Potter question was asked :)
can i link u to my blog ! its simply marvellous, ur blog !!!!! gambhir kala was the best !!!!! who will be flitwick and mcgonagall and sprout?


hey do see my blog and leave a comment if you wanna see my blog : www.shysblog.blogspot.com
good site
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