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Saturday, April 30, 2005

Created by Bubin, destroyed by me :) 

My dad has an amazing ability. He looks at extremely mundane things and asks the most amazing questions, creates hilarious stories around them, quotes similar stories and does all this without ever blogging abt it :)) Clerks, engineers, relatives, the police constable urinating on the Kolkata wall - nobody escapes his radar of observation. "When visiting doctors and barbers you get upset if it's crowded and even if it's empty. The former situation makes you wait while the latter makes you wonder whether you went to the right person." - Just one of Bubin's many gems ...

So this morning Bubin emails me suggesting that one can make out that India had a long freedom struggle by just looking at the street and college names. Every second street in India is named after a freedom fighter and the universities are no exceptions. Jawaharlal Nehru University, Maulana Azaad College, S.N. Bose College, Netaji Road, Gokhale Street, Tilak Avenue etc. etc. etc. While some of these leaders are big there are some whom people don't even remember. Maybe it wasn't even an actual leader - just a spelling mistake that they could never cross check. So the street remains.

That's why you'll never find 3rd Avenue and 2nd Street in India. The local municipal bodies will be fighting to christen them after their favorite leaders. "How can you call it 3rd street when Ratanda who did so much for the locality was killed after being bitten by a dog on this same lane two years back?" they'll shout.

"But how can you name this street Ratan Street when we have another Ratan Lane just two blocks away?" some would protest.

"That was Ratan Ghosh and this is Ratan Pal. They are different. Different."

"But Ratan Pal dint get killed by dogs. He was beaten up by people for stealing jewelry."

What follows is a violent saga of revenge. The followers of Ratan Pal jump at the accusing followers of Lala Bose. Mothers ask their children to go back to their rooms while they peep through lowered shutters. Bloodbath takes place. Three people break their bones and poor Tota Sen gets hit by a vagrant cricket bat and breathes a last sigh.

Two months later Ratan Pal street is christened and the small 60 feet lane changes to Tota Road as soon as you take a left turn.

Peace!

Friday, April 29, 2005

Really bad PJ (apologies even before you read it) 

This really bad PJ struck me and I'll put it up here. Don't detest me for it coz I'll give you more reasons later.

Which Hindi song will they feature in the Hindi version of the movie Matrix?
- ARRAY re ARRAY ye kya hua ...

(... and if you are really cross with me, please be N cross N).

Apologies.

Irony++ 

This realization came about courtesy a very interesting morning chat:

"Some of the best and most motivated Indian minds in US are designing and selling chips for Intel. Some of the least motivated Indian minds in US are selling chips in 711."

Yeah! It's something like that!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

The start of headLINES (thank you Pummy for the name) 

The toons have a new name.
But they still play the old game.
Enjoy! Loathe! Forget!


Toon-11
Toon-12

Labels:


The SATC Syndrome 

Two women in the past one month have asked me the same question "Which Sex and The City character do I remind you of?" ... and the question made me ponder on a whole bunch of things ...

For starters, women out here think that every man watches Sex and the City (SATC) and while the statement holds true to a large extent, it's not necessarily the case. I'm not a SATC ignorant but I can't be called a fan either. Specially because I don't know the names of the 4 lead characters. So I categorize them as Sarah Jessica Parker, the horny one, the lawyer and the cute one and the moment I do that the immediate question is "You don't find Sarah Jessica cute? Oh you don't know which one is Miranda ..." Nope I don't :( and even though I put the customary ":(" I'm not that sad abt my ignorance.

Yanyway, that is rarely an issue. The main issue appears when you have to answer "Which character do you think I resemble?". Ok! I know that no girl wants to be classified as the horny one. So that is nullified. I'm then left with semi-feminist lawyer, cute bimbette and Sarah Jessica Parker and that's when the problem begins. I try to play safe by saying "I think you are Sarah Jessica ... a good mix of ... blah blah" and am instantly hit back with "So you think I'm too image conscious ... Naaa! I identify with the *whoever the lawyer is* - you don't think I'm career minded enough???" What? For starters I don't think much and even when I do, I don't sit and compare my friends with SATC characters!

This also made me think abt us men (I like the way "us men" sounds). Men rarely compare themselves with TV characters. Our male egos need more boosting. We are likely to ask you to choose between "Tom Hanks's character in so and so ..." and "Shahrukh Khan in that movie". Our egos, dear people, rarely fit in the small screen of the idiot box :)

The above statement is not completely true though coz I believe a lot of men(including myself) have asked their lady loves which F.R.I.E.N.D.S character they most resemble and based on the answers this is my profundity for the moment:

"Every man dreams to be like Joey, claims to be a Chandler and is a neurotic Ross in the eyes of their girlfriends." Peace!

Midnight Profundity 

It's no secret that great thoughts strike me at midnight :)) So here is what is running in the mind right now:

As a kid I used to love Michael Jackson. It took me 20 years to realize that the feeling was completely mutual.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

When the images flowed aplenty 

"You look so sweet! Like always! Such a sweet smile!" Mush flowed in abundance in our house. Technology had made it's next big contribution. S bought a webcam and he and his lady love (also S) were having their first video chat.

"I can see you smile. One more time. Puuuhlease," he said, reminding me of my five year old cousin asking for "just one" more candy.

"Tuki!" she'd say and hide, momentarily moving away from the webcam's reach. Wow! She had vanished. And ... and ... and ... she was back; with glees galore.

"I missed you already," S would say. "You are so sweet!"

Two weeks have passed since that day. I see S frantically searching for something. His face looks gloomy. Maybe he's searching for that missing glee.

"Have you seen that little teddy bear I had?" a voice of concern cries out.

"The grisly hairy one that stays in our house without paying rent! Oh no! That's the other room mate!" I say to myself, aptly realizing that now's not a good time for my wise cracks.

"My girl friend gave me that! Two years back! ... and now she wants to see it ... OVER THE WEBCAM."

In another part of the World the queen sat in her Internet Cafe throne, feeling her lips with her teeth; wondering what punishment to hurl at the prickly boy friend who lost her gift of love. "Maybe I can make him do sit-ups," she thinks to herself. "After all now we have the webcam."

I don't have a lady love. I don't have a webcam. I have a blog.

Irony 

I knew a boy in school who was sooo tall that he wanted to be short when he grows up.

The Toons get a name 

My darling sister read my blog (apparently she does that when he has nothing better to do) and suggested an amazing name for my cartoon strip. Pummy insists that I give a name to the cartoon and so from now it's gonna be what lil Nandy suggested - HeadLines :) Thanks sis!

Labels:


Toonsy 

A good cartoon does a lot of things - but I'm not aiming to make a good cartoon :) So why do I care?


Toon-9
Toon-10

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The show of extremes 

I sleep really late - at around 2.30 in the morning! And just before sleeping I surf through the channels to check if anything running on TV can keep me awake for a lil more time. If you're doing this exercise on a regular basis you are bound to come across the following ads:

"I was a fisherman, catching to eat. Then one day I discovered blahblah.com and they changed my career. Today I'm the manager in a leading IT firm."

Now, these ads really bug me coz they never appear real for the simple reason that they always use EXTREMES. It's always the girl who was having just one meal who became the Program Manager, or the dog trainer who now owns his own ranch. Why can't they have an ad where some guy who was studying Geography learnt Computers and made an extra $1000 a month. Nope! It's always extremes.

Come on - we've all seen the weight loss equipment ads. Can you imagine a single ad where a 80 kg woman lost 5 kgs and looked happy abt it??? No! All these ads feature a certain Jessica who "was 200 tonnes heavy and couldn't fit into a swim suit and now after using our magic diet program Jessica has lost two blue whales and is a swimsuit model". Who believes crap like this?

Another point in case is all the sleazy ads for dating (or is it mating) sites. "We have the best single women waiting for you .. so pick up your phone and dial ..." and the screen is filled with 3 hot models sighing for love. Let's be real. If the best single women are waiting for me - they definitely aren't the best. You can't fool me with that line. A line to attract me would be "We have other losers like you who are waiting to get hooked! Join the group. We can't guarantee you love but we'll give it a try."

Now that'll strike a chord close to my heart. Get it?

Monday, April 25, 2005

PhD, sex, musings and three dots ... 

As I sat this afternoon thinking abt my PhD, I noticed some uncanny resemblance between it and sex during a relationship ...

- The first few years you try to explore the basic territory, normally relying on what you've learnt from other people's experience.
- Then, when you find an untouched area you're good at - you delve deep into it and try to master it.
- Then after a few years - you stop questioning it and just do it coz you have to.

Paradox #532 

A British tabloid has claimed that Indian examiners can't read English!
Well! If that be the case then definitely that newspaper article wouldn't bother them much!

Snippet from a profound conversation 

This is a small part of long conversation from the weekend.

X: What's with this growing trend of people turning bisexual?
Me: Can't say abt the women but for the men I believe they get something more to hold onto.

*If you think the rest of this conversation was half as spicy be warned. We went on to discuss if Ambassador should launch a convertible in India*

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Toony time again 

New week! New toons! Same old crap!


Toon-7
Toon-8

Try this! 

So Subs and I went to watch Kung Fu Hustle (which btw, is one of the best movies I've seen in the past few years - yeah! it's that good). We reached the place early and since both of us are basically serious PhD students we wanted do something constructive before the movie began. So we started thinking of obnoxious things to do in a movie theater and this is the best idea we came up with:

Go for a really bad movie - the kinds where only two or three people come. So you have an almost empty auditorium with few bored people in it. The only folks there would be either people who wanted to be left completely alone or are desperate couples who couldn't find a room for themselves. Now go and sit right in front of one of these folks. Can you imagine just how bugging that'll be? If you want to take it one notch higher - sit next to them and say in broken English - "Myself Kumar from India. Speak English little little. First movie in big screen. Very excited but no understand. So sit with you - explain please. Very please!"

Warning: All stunts are performed by trained experts under supervision. Try it at your own risk :)

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Interpreter 

Just came back from my Friday Night movie ritual - movie in question being the Sydney Pollack, Sean Penn and Nicole Kidman (looking oooh la laa) thriller - Interpreter. I will say that the movie was very good but not great - still definitely one of the better political thrillers in recent times (far better than the Machurian Candidate). Shall sign off for now with a very appropriate good-night line from the movie:

X: What do you do when you can't sleep?
Y: I stay awake.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Overheard 

Overheard this very amusing conversation in the elevator this morning between two professors.

A: Hey! How are you doing?
B: Fine! I heard you are having a baby.
A: Yes.
B: So do you know what it is?
A: Yes, we do.
B: What is it?
A: Human.

:)

Thursday, April 21, 2005

More toons 

Whoever said that a picture speaks a thousand words didn't see me draw coz my drawings are dumb :)


Toon-5
Toon-6

Bond with the Test 

Two years back I suggested this test to some folks to evaluate "How Cool their Profession was" and people seemed to like it. The test was simple. Just ask yourself what the chances of your work getting central prominence in a James Bond movie is :) If you think the chances are slim - make a story that's forced to revolve around your field of work. Then ask yourself how far fetched the story is. Trust me - it's an excellent exercise.

For starters, even though I work with computers and there's been a fair share of techies in movies, our chances aren't that good. There's a general assumption that all people working with computers are hackers - and that my friend is a hack-neyed thought. The only techies who feature in mainstream movies are hackers, people who deal with GPS (Global Positioning Systems) to track all sortsa things and people who can do fancy things with images that look cool on screen but is impossible in practice (and oh yes - we recently got to play Mallika Sherawat's husband in Murder). Other areas of Computer Science like Architecture, Theory, Operating/Distributed Systems, Networking, Software Engineering etc. have never found on-screen glory. Personally, I work in the field of Large Scale Distributed Systems and just ask yourself if this conversation seems possible.

Villain: Mr. Bond, I'm afraid that you're late, I've managed to crack Napster. Now I can download all the songs I want and you can't do anything abt it.
Bind: Nooooo! You just wait till I finish pleasing this lady ... and after that we'll go and switch off the centralized indexing server and you wont be able to do anything.
Lady (with European accent): Mr. Bond! you are making me very hot!

Naaaaah! Outrageous to say the least.

I also got thinking abt some of the other people who read my blog and what the chances of their profession featuring in a Bond movie is. Most of my readers being techies joined me in the list of "no-no"s :) Other sure losers included Ani - the Economist, Samit - the Writer, Vikram and Chitra - the managers and the other Sagnik and Shareen, who are lawyers. Sorry guys - we are all bonds that have lost our value.

The winners, I believe, were:

1. Antara (historian):

Villain: Antara's work made us realize that the ancient villages of Pigabooboo and HoolaPoola will go to war if we break the ancient and well protected culture of showing the villagers the blah blah. This will start a feudal war that will wreck the infrastructure of their country. A war that will soon spread it's wings across ...

See that sounds possible.

2. Arijit (genetic engineer)

This dude works on mutation. Come on! these guys can create all sorts of fancy plants and animals and it wont be too fancy to imagine Bond being summoned to protect us from an army of mutated mammals that run like cheetahs and stink like skunks.

If you read this blog and feel your profession has a better chance - pleeeeease lemme know.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Have U Seen Them ????? 

You know you are an Indian (Desi) techie in US when:

* Your "wild" Friday Night plans involve watching a movie.

* You know more about cell phones than you do abt women.

* It's been ten years since you left home but you still have some of your Indian underwear intact.

* The words P2P, B2B, J2ME and UML don't surprise you one bit.

* If you're single then you share a house - doesn't matter where you are and what you do - you've never stayed alone.

* You go everywhere in groups - movie halls, hiking trips, romantic dates, shopping - everything.

AND THE NUMERO UNO WAY TO KNOW THAT U ARE A DESI TECHIE in US IS WHEN

* Your dream car is a Honda Civic.

A little piece of news 

Well! I don't really like to talk much abt what I do in my personal life on this blog. My blog is largely abt my views rather than my actions (that sounds like a nice line). Yanyway, I landed a job in a company I described to my advisors a year back as "my dream job" (and it still is). The developments were taking place for the past one month (can you believe that one of my interviews actually involved a discussion abt blogs) and my official acceptance reached them today. So needless to say - I'm super excited. I'm refraining from giving any further details coz as I said - I don't think people care much abt what I do beyond the stuff that I write here (not that they care much abt that either). There are still several important steps left (including a PhD that has to be completed) but i'm reallllllly thankful to GOD.

Back to meaningless blogging again!

The man and the mansion 

I realized that it' been a while since I wrote something abt my Mom and Dad and this lovely post by Kumari reminded something very endearing abt Mummum and Bubin. So thank you Kumari, for reviving my memory :)

Mummum and Bubin had a love marriage. The joke in the family is that Bubin fell for Mummum's looks and sweetness while Mummum was just plain naive :)) Yanyway, my mom's parents weren't aware of these romantic developments and every now and then a new marriage proposal would come up for the youngest Mukherjee daughter. Mummum would exercise new levels of innovation to turn down each of these uprisings (apparently she turned down some proposal because the "locality stunk too much"). Moi digressing again.

So one of these many marriage offers my Mom got, came from an erstwhile prince (when the British left they took away the princely title it seems). They had a lavish house in the center of the city and apparently carpets rolled from the garage itself. Mummum turned down this offer too.

However, till recent times, every time Mom and Dad had an argument, Mom would bring up this incident. "I knew I should've married that prince. Then right now we would be sitting in that big house and sipping some juice instead of fighting," Mummum will crib. "I knew I made a mistake when I chose you over that prince. His house is bigger than our locality ..." "I knew I should ..." Years went by with Mummum reminding Bubin abt the king and kingdom she left for him, all in good spirits :)

Then one fine evening the driver came up and said "Saab asked you all to come down. Something very important has come up." We all came down and Bubin asked us to get into the car. We had no idea what was happening but we followed his instructions. Mummum looked tense, I looked confused and my sister Pummy couldn't care less. After almost a 30 minute drive we reached an almost barren land, with a tattered house trying to stand on it as a bunch of construction workers tried to pull it down.

"Looks familiar?" Bubin asked with a smile that was worth more than a million dollars. Mummum started laughing too - a laugh that started with a blush and soon became a sign of glee. I was still confused and it appeared that Pummy cared just a little bit more.

"That's the famous house of the prince your mother keeps talking abt," Bubin started. "Dint do too well, eh? Coz I don't see much of a house left. My guess is that had your Mom married the prince, she would be among those construction workers now, pulling down the house."

"Maybe they sold the land to some builder," Mummum tried to protest but her laughter ate her words. We were all laughing.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

More Toons :) 

First of all a big thank you to all the nice people who checked out the cartoons (yes yes I know calling them cartoons is a long shot) and liked them. A lot of positive feedback as well ... and moi shall try to incorporate the ones I can with my ltd resources. Yanyway. The purpose of this post is different. Some people suggested that I give the characters a li'l more dimension ( :) ) and some questioned why I had images when I could just have the jokes separately. So the following two cartoons are just to show that images (that too the stick ones) can help some jokes which otherwise couldn't take place :) Enjoy!


Toon-3
Toon-4

Dressed for the job 

G was running around yesterday to look "just fine". "I'm going for some opening ceremony where a lot of ppl from the field of genetics will be there. We've been asked to dress formally. No casuals." she said with a tone of urgency. "That's strange," I said. "You're meeting genetic engineers and they don't want any jeans???" And this post was born :) What if ...

The referee in the soccer ground strongly disapproved of ties.

The sign outside the lawyer's office said "No more suits please".

The strict athletics coach told his tired team - "no more pants".

In the annual shareholder's meet they announced that "We strongly discourage shorts."

In the high end British Tea Tasting meet the sign read, "No T's please!"

What if ...

Monday, April 18, 2005

Some More Bytes 

Well, I wanted to do this for quite some time and finally gathered the energy for it. As a kid I wanted to be an ad-film maker, movie maker, cartoonist. The first two needed a lot of money while the third one needed a lot of talent. However, courtesy blog World, I can experiment with the third one. So here's introducing one of the lamest comic strips in lame comic strip history - I call it SMB (Some More Bytes). Feel free to loathe :)

I'm avoiding the use of images on this page so that people with low bandwidth and high aesthetic demands don't get shocked. Also please maximize your browser window to observe the true artistic effect :)) So please click on the links below.


Toon-1
Toon-2


If you're wondering why I used such funky looking characters - well, I'm wondering too.

Adding salt and pepper with a dash of tabasco sauce on you woes 

Aren't you surprised by the fact that the guy sitting next to you always knows more abt anything you might have a problem with. Anything! I mean ANYTHING!

You're having a financial crunch? Just ask your broke friend who has already borrowed some money from you to pay his bills and he'll definitely have some invaluable gem to add in to your empty wallet. "You know what you should do Sagnik?" he ruminates. "I think the problem is that you're not saving properly." Hmmm! I seriously dint guess that - I thought that my finances were facing a crunch coz I had too much money. Thanks man!

Having girl problems? Even if your friend is gay he'll add in his 2 pence. "You know what women want?" Ok! Firstly, nobody knows what women want and even if somebody did what are the chances it'll be the one guy who's next to you. He might not have seen a woman, he might be thinking that an orgasm is an art form where you make structures out of paper, he may have taken his girl friend for their first date to a meat shop but still he'll have enuff information to keep you occupied for hours :)

Also what is most ironic is that you get the most amount of advice when you least want it. Imagine you just broke your car's clutch. You're sitting and making incessant posts abt it on your blog (now who does that???) and your friend starts on how it's an art to get the exact coordination between the clutch and the accelerator; on how he loves an automatic car and how you're pressing the breaks too much. Another gem is that these people always begin their advice with either "Ok! Don't take this otherwise ..." or "Don't mind but ..." or "I wasn't going to tell you this but ...".

Well, if you weren't planning to tell me and you think I might take it otherwise and might mind - then why why why would you tell me that? Mummyyyyy!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Bubin's Wisdom 

Don't think that I'm the only Nandy who comes up with random profundity. The senior Monsieur Nandy is a man of random musings as well. While talking to me this evening he was mentioning what he terms as the "Parental Hypocrisy" which states:

Every parent wants all the girls in the World to come up and talk to their darling son and make the first move BUT want every man to come up and make the first move when it comes to their daughter.

Clap clap Dad. Clap, clap!

Off bEAT 

Due to certain developments in my life over the past few days I've been a little more generous than what I can ideally afford to be - something that translated to two consecutive dinner treats - each more ex$$pensive than any treat I've ever given till date. So what did I realize when I wore a suit and dined in San Diego's best - the food is pretty much the same - the only thing that differs is the waiters (servers) and the variety of sauces and options you're offered.

"Would you like it mildly fried, Sir? We have our day's special of the avocado sauce and the Italian herbs sauce. The latter comes with freshly plucked tomatoes ... would you like the lobsters spirally or would you prefer them blah blah ..."

That's what you hear in a restaurant whose name begins with Ala followed by some component that sounds fancy and you can't pronounce. Seriously, you can have a dining place called Ala Crap Delite and people will prefer it over Mama's House - just coz they have no freakin idea what the former will serve.

Just take these two examples. My favorite dinner spot is this mid-range Chinese restaurant where the waitresses hate their jobs, the customers and everything else. They all look like dormant ninja experts waiting to burst out. As a result, they make minimum conversation with you and let you enjoy nice, inexpensive food without giving you any option.

"Howat do yuuu vant?" she will shout.
"Do you vant yor standard Hu Nan chicken?" she'll scream.

I'll just have to nod and she'll be back in a jiffy with my food and shout back, "Eaaaat ... and here is yor hot saas, mustard, saalt, peppaar, enjoy." That's it! The next time I'll see her is when she shows her disgust at the small tip she gets. Good food, solitude and a wallet that feels almost as heavy as it was - translates to a Happy me.

Compare it to a high end dining zone. For starters, you can't wear your khakis there. You can't enjoy the quiet. You look at the menu from right to left. Finally you find a right that looks right, only to realize that you were just looking at some fancy cup of tea - so you're left with nothing. That's when your server comes and spends fifteen minutes with you just exchanging pleasantries.

"Have you been here before ... lovely evening, right? So are you guys from out of town?" ... "Would you like something for starters ... would the lady love some wine ..." ... "Is everything fine?" ... "Would you like a cup of our minty tea after dinner? It really helps you digest the food." Seriously! You talk a lot more with the server than the people you are with ... and then the cheque comes and your heart skips a beat ... you feel your left arm stiffening ... you remember that epsiode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S where Phoebe had a heart attack. BUT but but ... before you can recover from the shock, you see a tiny line at the bottom of the bill saying, "We help our customers by adding a gratuity of 18% automatically!!!!" What? "Help" me? How? My wallet cries out.

GOD bless the Chinese restaurant and it's cold food and matching cold waitresses.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Borrowed Joke 

I normally don't post material provided by other people (unless I manage to hide it well and take all due credit for it myself - muhahhaha). However, this joke Jeanne (my advisor) cracked abt NYC traffic has made every person I mentioned it till now smile. So in true style I shall cite her for the joke :)

Jeanne [1]: It's almost impossible to get parking in NYC. People always look around for parking; even if they aren't interested. A lot of times you see someone leave and you see a free parking spot and you park your car there - even though you're going somewhere else just because "IT'S FREE PARKING AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT". Sweet!

[1] Acqua Trattoria. Downtown La Jolla. April, 2005.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Juxtaposed 

Romanticism juxtaposed with crass - yeah! That's the flavor for the day :) Enjoy (or loathe) these morning musings with a twist.

You make me dream with open eyes
You make me speak in silent sighs
You stir the passions I dint know dwell
If only you dint have that obnoxious smell

*******************************************

Those waterfall eyes with raging charm
Those dove wing arms that spread the calm
Nectar lips that doth drip n ooze honey
And bugs bunny teeth that make you look funny

*********************************************

Lush green meadows, the unspotted sky
Wind combing the grass, not a cotton cloud nigh
The image hummed melody, music had started
When the little lamb kid - suddenly farted

**********************************************

She looked into his eyes
A heart full of words
Tremoring hands to match
Still wondering what to say
While he whispered into her ears
"Don't worry - I'm gay!"

***********************************************

The French Connection 

Went out for a wonderful dinner with Jeanne & Larry (my advisors) and the two French visitors (let's say X and Y) who are visiting my lab. Red wine was ordered. The server asked X for his id. Y was spared the trouble. On the way back X, Y and I were traveling in the same car and this interesting conversation took place.

Y: Sagnik, what is the legal drinking age in California?
Me: 21.
Y: Wow! X, you look really young for them to ask you for an id.
Me: Actually, the menu said that they ask any guy younger than 30 for an id.
Y: Wow! I look really old for them to not ask me for an id.

Amusing :)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Sourav Ganguly and Sex 

Ah! I'm proud of the title for this post - probably the only one of it's kind on the web. The reason for it shall soon unfold.

I just educated my apartment mates abt the sex and baseball analogy. Instantly I was treated to a range of information as to which base each apartment mate has touched. We really seem to have quite a few "players" in the house. Yanyway, the question had to be asked and soon D came out with it. "So what base have you reached or how many home runs have you scored?"

"I'm a lot like Sourav Ganguly," I answered. "Right now I'm not even in the team that is playing a match and even when they give me a chance I don't score any thing."

For all the Bengali speakers a love song - "base korechi prem korechi korboi to ..." :)

The promised piece 

(A few hours before Bengali New Year - this post is very appropriate!)

This post is part of a promise given to someone last night (even though the person concerned was in a state of drunken faze). Now this person is almost like a little brother to me (even though he addresses me by relations that should put both our families to shame) and I shall keep my promise. The allegation was - I don't defend Bongs :)

OK! For people who aren't aware of what I'm talking abt - here's a recap. I'm a Bengali ( (un)affectionately referred to by many as a Bong). Now without getting into the logistics of the matter moi has to confess that Bong Bashing is a favorite past time for many. Moreover, I went to an engineering school outside Bengal where Bongs are/were a minority - translates to easy target. So there were times I was made the spokesperson for the entire Bong race. "Sourav Ganguly got out cheaply. Sagnik - it's your fault." ... "Mithun Chakrobarty does B-grade movies. Sagnik - it's your fault." ... "Bappi Lahiri wears a lot of jewellery. Sagnik - that's your fault too." ... "Rani Mukherjee is sooooo pretty. Sagnik - she is an Indian" :)

Now over the years I've realized some profound things myself (often the hard way) - (i) confrontations never do anyone any good; so avoid them, and (ii) if people are trying to irk you, then the best way to combat the situation is to make fun of the situation yourself. Take away from your detractors the one thing they are relying on - your embarrassment - and you have crippled them :)

So you'll rarely see me getting all red and defending Bengalis - not because I'm ashamed to be one (I'm very happy that I'm a Bengali) - it's just because I follow (or at least try to) the above 2 points. So li'l bro (and I know you read this blog) - see I spoke abt being a Bengali and that I'm proud of being one. To end this post, I'll narrate one of my favorite related incidents on the subject from recent times. The other character involved in the conversation is my ex-apt mate.

(Sa): Bong. Bong. blah blah. Bad ... blah balh ... Bong Bong.
Me: That's it (laughing). I'll not take any Bong Bashing from a Oriya. You name me the 5 most famous Oriya's and then we'll talk.
(Sa): Ok! There's Shibsundar Das.
Me: Ok! If u start your "5 most famous list" with Shibsundar Das (start laughing) then you're getting yourself into trouble.
(Sa): Ok! The two Patnaiks.
Me: Great! Three more to go.
(Sa): Netaji.
Me: What? He was a Bengali.
(Sa): But he was born in Cuttack!
Me: Your are the worst mouth piece of your race (both laughing).
(Sa): ... and the fith one ... you won't know.
Me: What?

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Body Part(s) I 

So you have a special liking for certain body parts, eh? Here's my deep analysis.

1. If you have that special fascination for the legs - it's an up-heel task.

2. You have a thing for narrowing waists - what a waste!

3. Tight stomachs are your thingy - please abs-tain from such desires.

4. Aha! I smell you like the nose. Who nose what I'm going to do with u!

5. Silky hair is your desire - you know they say - "hair today, gone tomorrow".

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Caustic Bites 

I was feeling thoroughly bored. So I went on to create two bickering characters (personal experience, eh?). Read, detest ... forget.

She: You don't know how to treat a person.
He: Don't judge me based on how I treat you. Get me a person and we'll decide.

He: You are such a freak.
She: You are just saying that coz I hang out with you.

She: I feel like killing you.
He: Ah! and I almost thought that u don't feel anything.

She: My best friend's ex boyfriend was a bastard and yet he's more compassionate than you are.
He: Your best friend's ex boyfriend was a guy and yet he's more feminine than you are.

He: I have no clue how I stayed with you for so long.
She: Add that to your list of ignorance.

How sad is this? 

Check out this interview in what is touted as India's biggest film magazine. For ten pages they interview Amrita Rao and give photographs of Amrita Arora. Hmmm!

Heavy Wait 

"I've been waiting for more than an hour now. Don't you even have the slightest amount of decency?"

These were the kind of lines that led to my present single status. But I look at it this way - I had reached a point where I was anyway waiting for two to three hours to meet the person concerned. Now I don't wait, but still bump into her every two to three hours :) This also brings the added advantage of you not having have to answer the queries of all those acquainted bystanders who smile and ask you "Waiting, eh?" "No. I really love this spot. So every now and then I just come here to smell it. Happy?" I would murmur to myself.

However, this post is hardly abt the wait. It's abt what follows - the explanation. Over the years I've been amazed (if not marveled) at the excuses women use to justify their delays. To a guy (and that means me) none of those things sounded time consuming but the sincerity and casualness with which women justified them made me wonder.

"Oh! I was choosing which skirt goes well with this top," she'd say and look surprised at the fact that I didn't guess the reason myself.

"Oh! Rita came to my room. I was giving her some advice."
"What advice?"
"Oh! Girl stuff."
"What???? Why couldn't Rita give you the simple advice that someone is waiting outside for you."

"Come on! I dozed off. That must have happened to you too."
"Yes, it has BUT NOT AT 11 IN THE MORNING."

The interesting thing however is that men are always early. We sincerely feel that the World population is skewed. Make your lady love wait and you'll be left with no lady and no love - that's the simple philosophy we believe in. Some guy is always waiting for her - waiting for you to make her wait.

Moreover, we lack the courage to come up with these excuses. Ever been late for your girl friend's dance performance and just said "Oh! I was wondering which soap to use tonight?" That my friend will destroy you. So try it at your own risk and specially not at home where you have glass items at a hand's reach :)

So to all those men who thought that once they meet their lady love the "Wait is Over" - think again. The wait is just starting.

Quick question # 48 

What would you rather have?

1. A Hot girl who has lost her Cool? OR
2. A girl who is Cold but has the Hots for you?

Think. Ponder. Forget.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Cheap jokes from the cheap ones 

Two jokes manufactured in our household over the past two days - both bad and both touching on a common theme - we desis.

1. Subs told me that one thing all desis learn after coming to US is to pronounce multi as multai (as opposed to the desi multee). Similarly we say antai for anti. By that logic a Desai is actually a cool Desi. (Come on I liked this one).

2. This one is courtesy me. What do you call your desi partner who has the looks to kill? ... Deci-mate!

Lines a guy gets scared hearing from his lady love 

1. I think we need to talk (you know what they wanna talk abt - don't you?)

2. It's been 29 days and still there are no signs of it (you're shit scared; that's it - period)

3. There is someone else (that actually means there are a lot more than just some "one").

4. What have you done for me ?(this actually means "dude, whatever you think you've ever done for me - too bad! you won't get a chance to do it again")

5. I was looking through your stuff and found something ... (and somehow that "something" is never a $100 bill, never a DVD that was overdue, never a favorite T shirt you couldn't find ...)

Sunday, April 10, 2005

To The Annoying One 

While I was trying to watch the adorable Sneha Ullal this evening, the bearded guy sitting two seats away from me kept annoying me continuously. He was an amazing mix of most of the things I detest in a fellow movie goer. So, if you're a movie watcher - please, pretty puleeeeze - don't do any of the things this guy was doing.

1. All of us in the auditorium could see and I believe so could your girl friend. So don't narrate the obvious - "Ah! Now he'll hold her hand. Yes! Yes! .. and now she will smile ... see I told you ... and now they'll sing a song ... Yes yes ..." - NO - believe me you're not the only one who can guess these things. So shut up!

2. If your girl friend has said no to your offer for popcorn the first three times, there's a good chance she'll say No the next twenty times as well. So, stop confirming that. "Are you sure you don't want popcorn. It'll just take two minutes. Are you sure?" How I wished she said yes and made him disappear for a while.

3. Stop comparing the movie to all the other movies that you've seen. "Any day this worse than Hum Dil De Chuke ... any day this is better Maine Pyar Kiya."

4. Make your post movie plans post movie please. "Iske baad Rakesh ke ghar jaana hai (Wanna go to Rakesh's house after this)?" ... "Wanna have dinner outside?" ... "Wanna watch the movie they will screen next week?"

5. If you think your girl friend is cuter than Sneha Ullal, tell her that later and even when you do, don't add the phrase "Even". It's not just painful for me but even for her if you say, "EVEN you are better than this girl."

Mov(i)e on ...

Saturday, April 09, 2005

A Comment on a comment 

This post is a response to a comment someone posted suggesting that I'm married to my blog. This bonding was suggested coz apparently I devote a fair amount of time to this web region (which is untrue). Yanyway, my inner voice shouted a few woeful "no"s and if you're one of the ones who believe that this blog is indeed Mrs. Nandy, the following arguments should prove you wrong.

1. I don't think this blog's that pretty. Come on - you have to agree!

2. This blog get's a fair amount of attention and comments (often unflattering) from other men. Do you want that to happen to your wife?

3. Women link this blog to their blog(s). Would you like your wife getting linked to other women?

4. This blog is quite shallow. Maybe, so am I :)

5. The blog archives all information that can easily be retrieved later. Imagine your wife showing you proof of every single thing that has ever transpired between the two of u. Naaaah!

6. I make appx two posts a day - that means I two time my blog. Do you think my wife would tolerate that?

7. Once in a while (actually just once) I made a post on another blog. Do you think my wife would have taken me back had I done that openly to her:)

So "anonymous commenter" this blog is more of a fling - rarely what looong terms relationships are made up of. Peace :)

Right-fully so 

Me: Most people like to classify things as Right or Wrong. Right?
She: Wrong.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Some Day 

Some day I will post something meaningful.
Some day I will post something that will make you think.
Some day I will post pictures that are visually stunning.
Some day my words will have tune in them.

Sadly, today is not that day.

All lines in this route are busy ... please call back later ...

Once again ... 

... I have been miss-used!

A technique well adopted 

Pease adopt me! I'm up for temporary keeps. Want an explanation? I shall anyway give one :)

My car broke down today. The clutch gave up. The mechanic gave me a "good deal" and used his car-isma to make my wallet a lot lighter. So now I'm poorer by $600 and have put myself up for temporary adoption.

You can adopt me and pamper me; buy me gifts. If you want I'll sit on your lap and even recite nursery rhymes for you (I can even tell you the story of Jack and the Bean Stalk). I come toilet trained and there's no commitment issue. Keep me as long as you want and satisfaction will be guaranteed. If you change your mind return me and I shall drive back home in my car with a new clutch system. It's that simple. And for a limited time only - call up now and mention this ad and I'll give you a special introductory offer where I pretend to be twins. Pay for one but get the feel of having two children.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

The teaser to love 

D's girl friend is visiting us. He cooked for her. She smiled for him. They held hands. They became coy when I entered the room. They stayed up late at night. Week two of romance.

S and his lady love are having a marathon fight on the phone. She shouted at him. He shouted back. He became coy when I entered the room. They stayed up late at night. Year two of romance.

All this made me think ... and when I think I normally have something crappy to say. So hear me out :)

I feel the first year (or maybe six months) of a relationship is like a brilliantly made movie trailer. It portrays the relationship as a romantic comedy. One with love, laughter and the cute blushing amidst previously uninformed friends. It even has a generous dose of skin at times. All this makes you go for the actual movie. Sadly, the actual movie happens to be more of an action adventure - people hitting each other, screams and abuses hurling, "I will make you pay for this ..." etc. Once in a while you do get to see the occasional classic; the one that reaffirms your faith in good movies. Inspired by that you see a whole bunch of other movies, only to be disappointed again. That's why some people just wait and first read the reviews at home and if pleased rent the DVD. Hmmmmm!

Never judge a book by its cover.
Never judge a movie by its trailer.
Never judge a relationship by its first six months.
Never judge a person by the blog(s) he writes.

I want a kid 

Nope don't get fooled by the subject of the post. First a post wanting a wife and now a kid - I'm not undergoing any psychological changes. The reason for wanting a kid is very different. I saw this young lady with two kids today and she was saying things to her kids which I've only seen (heard) in gangster movies.

"Jessy you sit there. Yes, there. And don't you dare think of moving. You don't want to make me come there."

"Peter, not one more word. I said no. En O. Get it?"

"Jessy, I said you are coming with me. That's it. You are getting me angry and you know that's not nice."

I realized that kids are the only relation where you can say these words and get away with it. Tell your boss these things and you'll soon be seeking a new job. Tell your professor this and your dreams of a curtailed academic career will take a formative shape. Tell your girlfriend this - and you'll need a new girl friend. Tell your wife this - and you'll need a new girl friend again :))

So for all the cool lines you ever wanted to say but wondered on the "hows and whoms" - the answer is simple - get your own kids and bully them. To end this post lemme say some lines I wanna tell my kids:

* You give me any more shit and I don't change your diapers - lesse who's in deep shit then.

* Go ask your Mommy who's her daddy?

* You bastard!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Paradox Unveiled 

Carrying on with my habit of putting up snippets of conversations I have had, this one's from last evening:

Arnab: Sagnik, why don't you get married?
Me: Honestly speaking, I think I was matured enough to stay in a house of four (that's good ol' Kolkata days), have barely attained the maturity to stay alone now and definitely not matured enough to stay with another person.
Arnab: So four was great, one's fine but two's not?
Me: Hmmm! Let's pretend I never said that :)

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

2 2 Lovely 1s (to two lovely ones) 

I met Arnab and Puja today. They've been married for a little more than 2 months now. They were amazing hosts; Puja was an amazing cook; their wedding video was hilarious; the chocolate sauce with cream was oooh la la la ... but ... but what was most amazing was that they were HAPPY. I often think I'm happy but seeing the two of them I realized that there's a very different level of happiness. A level which you could see in Puja's eyes every time Arnab mentioned her name. A level of happiness that was evident from Arnab's sincerity in offering help every time Puja went towards the kitchen. A level of happiness that translated to gleaming smiles when they narrated the inside info on their wedding video. They were showering in the fresh pours of happiness and a few drops fell on me and that's enough to make me feel happy for now. Happy enough to make an otherwise immature, self(ish)-centered, goofy graduate student think for once how much fun it might be to actually get married. (Mummum doesn't read my blog but if she did she would jump in glee at this point.)





This is wishing the wonderful couple a very happy married life. Let the smiles flow and the joy splash. Time for a bash!

Where am I? 

If you've been wondering why I haven't posted too much stuff (now I know I'm being presumptuous here) here's a reason why (for the Geek minded - I'm at latitude 39.45 and longitude 105):









Beautiful, nah? And, YES, I finally faced wind strong enough to blow my otherwise porcupine cone-like air. Yuppieee!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Tete-a-tete 

A snippet from a conversation I had this morning.

Subs: Are you joking with me?
Me: Jokes apart - No!

:) (whether you laugh or not I have put a little smiley to please myself)...

... Glories Galore 

This is a sample conversation between my Mom and one of the gazillion aunts any Indian has.

Aunt: My son calls me every week from US.
Mom: Mampan (that's me) calls us twice every week.
Aunt: Yes but Bapi keeps talking when he calls. Finally, we ask him to keep the phone and only then does he keep the phone down.

Yes! That's what it has come down to. With neither Bapi nor me doing anything Nobel Prize worthy, it has come down to the battle of the International Phone Calls. I was recently told that 10 years back making a call to India was quite a deal (apparently people needed jobs before they could afford weekly calls). However, now words come cheap. That's what glory is for us. I don't know abt people from other parts of India but back in Kolkata it's a battlefield between all the relatives as to whose son/daughter is triumphing in the foreign lands. Here are some absolute non achievements that people still think are worthy of mention:

1. "My son/daughter earns 30 lakhs a year." Well, my dad says and I agree that if you are telling your salary in rupees while staying in US that just means that the amount doesn't sound that cool in dollars. (There are obviously people like me whose salary doesn't even sound good in rupees :) )

2. "My son has a web site and an email id." Oh yes! And so does the tea stall owner below my house in Kolkata. Happy?

3. "He travels so much to India - every month." Don't boast about that too much. There is a high chance that they are thinking of outsourcing his job and he is only visiting India to train his replacement.

4. "Even when he is in India he is working sooooo much. He is very busy." And what exactly are you boasting abt? The fact that your son can't even afford a proper vacation?

5. "(S)he has a laptop." Tablet PCs are here. Laptops are no longer the "In Thing" :)

There are so many other "raves" I can rant abt but then I have to make an International Call by first using my laptop to receive an email of the pin for the call. So - later!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Glimpses from cusineyland 

A Sunday afternoon. The graduate student sits in one corner of the Indian restaurant in what has now become almost a weekly event - his "eat and observe schedule".

* A table of five. The husband, wife, a little kid who looks amused and bemused at the same time and the parents of the man. The son looks proud and he should be. The parents had only heard abt the glories of San Diego and here they were - eating Indian food in a land far away from home. The father was explaining the "things" to the mother, who in turn was nodding an awed nod. They were rejoicing every moment because their turn would only come next after the daughter-in-law's parents had made their trip. That would be a while ... after all the couple had just bought a condo and interest rates were getting interesting.

* The fat man was sporting a fancy shirt, a gold chain and a new wife. The wife and the chain were both glowing. The wife was wearing more gold than her native place in India had - because some of them were bought during the ten hour halt-over at Singapore. However, she told everyone back home during her weekly phone call that "Singapore is a beeeeooooootifoool place". The husband told her what the best items in the menu were, before settling for the buffet. The wife did not know what to say - so she ate.

* The little kid was getting restless. "What is this called Momma?" she asked again. "Beeeendeeee?" she enquired, making it sound more like the Hindi word for the vegetable named after her finger. "Reena," the mother screamed. "Don't touch it. You look lovely and it's called a bindi ... bindi." "Beeeeendeeee!" the girl repeated ... or not quite.

* The cool group entered. I have seen them before. Actually no. Not them but the same specie - Homo Technologist. They all work in making cell phones better or so they all say. They were the "cooler" group. They wore khaki shorts, with many pockets ... most of them empty. Two of them even wore a cap ... carefully turned the other way round - that was cool. They walked in with a clamorous gait. The shop was supposed to rejoice their presence. They sat in the table next to me. They looked at me, angry at the lack of awe in my eyes. Then they sat, ate and shouted and shouted a little more.

The sad thing is that all these sights are likely to be me in a few years.
The good thing is that I still am not any of them.
Whatever!

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Cinema-ma-miaa 

It's been a while since I put up a movie review on this site but the movie I saw tonight deserves special mention. The movie in question is the film adaptation of Frank Miller's Sin City. In one word the movie can be described as - amazing. This is pulp noir at it's best. People who liked the likes of Pulp Fiction or the Kill Bill Saga will love this one to the core. Robert Rodriguez acts as a painter of the cinematic medium. Like last year's Hero, this movie too is not shot but skillfully drawn by a painter with a vision that was unseen by many. The plot is dark, the execution is gory but the overall product is delectable with a capital D. The violence, like Kill Bill, is over dramatized to keep the mind clean. So for lovers of cinema - go and watch this straight away ... and to those who still don't care - the movie boasts of one of the best ensembles in recent times with everyone from - Bruce Willis, Elijah Wood, Jessica Alba, Clive Owen, Josh Hartnett, Britney Murphy, Benicio Del Toro, Rosario Dawson and Mickey Rourke (who I think was brilliant in this movie). GO watch it. It's beautiful fun ...

Lovust (love with a sprinkle of lust) 

During an amazing late night conversation we created this schizophrenic persona where a guy has two extremes - a sentimental lover and a horny bastard. We came up with lots of interesting things he can say and do but this following line is my favorite coz it starts as something amazingly romantic and ends with something crude, vulgar and stuff break ups are made up of:

"Do you feel what I'm feeling coz I don't feel you feeling what I'm feeling."

Think what you want but I'm proud of this line - I am!!!! :))

Friday, April 01, 2005

April Fool 

Well, there's already been quite a few attempts on me for April Fool's Day. Back in school this day used to be a big thing with students trying all sorts of things followed by the highly entertaining "April Fool .. go to school ... tell your teacher you are a big fat fool .." song :) In the past few years Bubin has pulled off quite a few good ones on me - my personal favorite being the time he described to me in excruciating detail how a monkey was on the run in our locality and the local BJP body tried to ensure that no force was used to capture the animal. As far as this time is concerned, I helped D fool his new lady love and saw through C's prank. I had a good mind to tell some people that I'm seeing someone and name some girl they knew but the whole idea of these folks calling up the girl to offer their sympathy scared me :) So here are some cool things you can do today:

1. Tell the girl you secretly love that you love her and if she says "No" just say, "April Fool ..." and laugh it off.

2. Tell your boss that he is nasty and you think you need a raise and if it fails say, "April Fool banaya, sab ko mazaa aya ..."

3. Proposition to your girl friend ideas that you'd never do if you weren't a true fool and see if there's a faint chance of her agreeing.

4. Bend down on one knee in front of your lady love, let her give you that almost knowing-almost expecting million dollar smile and then get up and bend down on the other knee ... and repeat this exercise till you loose some weight or a girl friend :)

5. Take your friends for what you would claim is a treat and then remind them of the prank minutes before paying (make sure you don't have enuff money or credit cards on you to prevent them from forcing you).

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