Wednesday, August 31, 2005

headLINES + Kolkata Khronicles (Volume 2) 

Two friends sit in a dark Kolkata room. One abt to leave for a land far away and the other for home coz the cell phone had already rung twice.

Friend Uno: You have fun and mail back ... and how abt a goodbye hug?
Friend Deux: Let's do this the manly way ... Fu#k Off!!



Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Amidst a million problems, the blogger posts ... :( 

Well, well! Reached San Diego! Found out that the hard drive of my laptop is baked - so money has to be spent and extra work has to be done to ensure that work doesn't suffer. I also realized how paralyzed I am without my laptop when I figured out that I couldn't even blog properly without it (it has Hello installed and also has the basic prototype of the headLINE's characters saved on it). Yanyway, this is my feeble attempt at trying to blog from Sub's computer. The initial post idea(s) was a series of cartoons as part of the headLINES series, titled Kolkata Khronicles - depicting events inspired by conversations from my Kolkata trip. Lesse how it works out ... (please enlarge the image window fully to read the crap)


Saturday, August 27, 2005

Leaving Kol ... :( 

Spent 30 days doing a countdown to arriving in Kol and spent 14 brilliant days in Kol. I love this place. Kol rocks! More on this later. This blog will be non-functional for the next three days (Moi shall be back again on Monday if all goes well). Take care and have fun :)

Thursday, August 25, 2005

On Pretty Women and Prettier Men 

An interesting snippet from a very interesting discussion with a very interesting lady. The woman in question was watching Pretty Woman and raving abt it. Now, if I had to choose one common connection between all women after their universal love for shopping, I'd say it's their common fascination for the Richard Gere, Julia Roberts starrer. And I think I know the reason. Coz no movie creates a set of yardsticks so biased in favor of women. Come to think of it - women watching this movie, dream of a man who is super rich, has the looks of Mr. Gere, is suave, displays a sense of humor AND can raise the hand and shower a few blows if need be. AND what yardstick does the guy set after watching the movie? Well, the girl shouldn't be a hooker - that's it. Can you think of any other movie with a more skewed representation of central characters??? (Okay, maybe Shrek but that happens in a land far far away)

So women can watch Pretty Woman and complain to their men abt how they aren't "this and that and slim and fat" and all things Gere and the man can do lil but nod in admiration. Men watching this flick on the other hand, can only look into the sparkling eyes of their lady loves and say, "I'm so glad you won't hand me a bill after the evening."


Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Midnight profundity # something (lessay 12) 

A line from my chat with the elusive BridalBeer (or as some commenters call it - soliloquy):

For us males, the younger woman is a temptation; for you women, she's a threat.

P.S. I have nothing to add as a post script.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Express post on expressions 

A quick post on two "commonly used expressions" that have been amusing me. I must mention though, that a lot of time these lil trivial amusements I get, are due to the images that I associate with them in my mind. So don't Mind :)

The first expression hit me when this evening I asked Ronny Dam if he wanted to "catch a movie"? Now is it just me or do others find this expression strange too(specially when you make it more amusing by saying "hey, wanna catch dinner and a movie" - it almost makes it sound like hunters on the prowl). No wonder they say a movie "is running". So next time you think of catching a movie, imagine a great chase sequence where you get hold of the movie at the last moment and then beat the sh!t out of it :)

The second amusing expression takes place every time I suggest something remotely ludicrous to a person. They then promptly reply back with a "are you mad?" ... Have you ever realized that by asking this question the person gives way too much importance to your sanity. What if I am mad? Just imagine this very plausible situation - you ask your friend "Hey, I heard you are getting married" and before you can blink he says "Are you mad?" BUT what if you are? Come on! It's no sin nor rare phenomenon to be a lil cranky. So what if you are a lil bit on the bonker train? Does that mean your friend will actually marry for you? The examples are endless - "Hey, would you like to come for a movie tonight? ... "No way, are you mad?" Exact same logic. What does my sanity have to do with you watching a movie.

Lemme know if you have ay answers.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Ball(oons) to you 

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant, trying to trouble myself with generous doses of red pepper chicken, when I spotted the young thing. Two years old. Maybe three. No, I think two. Pink skirt. Pink top. Pink cheeks. Holding a balloon she had recently bought, the girl walked (or is the term wobbled) towards the adjacent table. A young boy bearing matching youth was playing with a similar balloon. The two kids exchanged nods, stared at each other's balloons and then held hands and started walking towards a neutral table. I could hear the mother of the boy scream out a "How cute, na?"

All this made me wonder if adult romances could be made just as simple. What if the solution to all matters of love resided in lil colored balloons? What if I could walk up to a mini skirted blonde, flaunt my heart shaped red balloon, look at her "tied-like-a-giraffe" balloon and then walk off with her (with fading background music playing)? How cool will that be?

But maybe things are indeed like that. What if the stacks of credit cards and the little symbol in front of your car, screaming the brand name it bears, are nothing but "adult balloons" in reality? Coz I've seen men use these balloons of theirs quite effectively. What if all our demands of loyalty, "good sense of humor", understanding ... and all related crap is actually nothing but childish balloons that we wanna play with?

Please don't burst my bubble.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

We came, others saw, no one conquered 

What's common to a civil servant, a writer, an intellectual property expert, a PhD student, a bunch of college students and one solitary high school student - well, other than being an extremely sexy lot that made a bunch of eyes wander (some detractors claimed it was courtesy noise population), these were also the main players of the highly successful Kolkata bloggers meet. A budding journalist and a lawyer were missed. Now what did we all do? Well, well! A lot of people wanted an element of mystery left and so it will. One of the three settings described below took place. Keep guessing which one it was ...

1. Setting One ... this might have happened
(i) We all had coffee and read some magazines
(ii) We discussed each others blogs and critiqued it
(iii) We concluded that blogs are too trivial in nature and should deal with more serious issues like poverty and World Peace
(iv) We all contributed some money for buying Mallika Sherawat some clothes

2. Setting Deux ... did this actually happen?
(i) One of the bloggers danced away to glory
(ii) One of the bloggers got teased abt P.M.S
(iii) Sex with a German Shepherd was discussed
(iv) Brown, black and white belts were discussed

3. Setting Three ... or maybe ...
(i) Two of the bloggers hooked up and were caught in a compromising situation later in the evening
(ii) One of the bloggers confessed that she/he actually pays someone to write his/her blog
(iii) We were thrown out of the venue after two hours
(iv) We decided to meet once every month

I'd love to say "your guess is as good as mine" but that's not the case :) So keep guessing ...

P.S. The following bloggers were present - Dozen, Duck, Teleute, Kanti, JAP, Fishy, Rimi, Blue and NoURL. Please visit them and leave them nasty comments.

Saturday, August 20, 2005


Random words with vagueness strewn
And people will call it a poem
I shall jot down crap like this
And I bet dear that you'll know em


Old letters hiding in an envelope
Hiding in a closet, hiding down memory lane
Thirty seconds of joy, thirty minutes of pain

Past images flashed by
A young woman smiling, a young man smiling
Did a reality check
A young woman smiling, that's it

The inner voice said burn the mails
But mom had just cleaned the room
So I took mercy on the polished floor
And showed the letters the open door

Friday, August 19, 2005

News Flash! 

The talented Samit Basu, the gorgeous (and equally talented) Bridalbeer and the boring Sagnik Nandy are trying to organize a Kolkata Blogger's Meet this Sunday (August 21st) in Crossword at 5 pm. If you want to be a part of an evening filled with booze, sex and wild stories then go to some other place (and let me know abt that place too), but if you wanna sip on some coffee and meet other people who are jobless enough to write blogs - drop by :) AND REMEMBER TO SPREAD THE WORD

Thursday, August 18, 2005

What's in a name? 

Call a rose by any name ... it'll still cost you money to buy and a girl to gift.

Like any Indian parents, my mom and dad too, monitors what my sister wears outside the house. In spite of being extremely liberal, the occasional "No, that dress is too short" or the "You can only wear that top if you wear a jacket on top of that" does the rounds of our household. A common phrase that often pops up in these monitored moments is "Don't forget that you are representing the Nandy household." I was talking to a friend and figured that this is indeed a very common Indian technique, where Indian parents glamorize their family name and attach a huge amount of importance to it. "What? You failed in class. No member of the Chowdhurys has ever received a red mark on their report card", "You can't date her. After all you are a Ranganathan. What will people say", "Don't forget that when you walk out of that door, you are representing every Kumar of our family", yada, yada, yada ... we've all heard some variant of these (including the emphatic Hindi version - "bhoolna mat, tum Kapoor khandan ke bahu ho ...".

Don't you think that we assign way too much importance to our family names? Coz it's very likely that nobody even knows them. This entire post happened coz I had this hilarious visual in my mind of people actually wearing name tags in public places so that they can be held accountable. Imagine walking to a restaurant and seeing this hot dame in a skirt so short that when she puts the napkin on her thigh, her dress size doubles. You walk up to her and check out the badge she's wearing. "Aha! You are a Dutta I see. I should have guessed. Duttas are notorious folks," you say and walk off. The next morning the newspaper screams out "Duttas embarrassed again. This time in a restaurant." Now that would be truly bringing your family name down. People will then be really careful. Clubs will have hoardings saying, "No Maitys allowed" and people of the Maity family would have to use frauduent schemes to get badges bearing the highly revered "Nandy" tag :)) When the girl with the shoulderless dress gets down from the car after a night of wild partying, one of the two old neighbors would say, "Is she a Lal? Look at her dress." To this, the all knowing second man would say, "No way. Look at her badge. She is a Lalwani. The Lal's wouldn't dare to wear clothes like this. Not after their rating went down so much last year!"

Bottomline - most people don't know us. People who pass fleeting judgments abt us don't even know who their pointed fingers are aiming at. And yet we go through hours of scrutiny to uphold a tag which doesn't even exist. Why?

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Truly random ... ajawqycwuw 

A hundred neighbors. A thousand questions. A million opinions. But it's all fun.

"Where are you exactly located?" Anjan kaku (overused Bengali term of endearment meaning "uncle") asked.

"California," I answered, wondering if that was "exact" enough. I've always fancied giving exact co-ordinates of my house, but like many of my other thoughts, this one too has never been implemented.

"That is in USA, right?" Anjan kaku fired back, squashing all elements of doubt abt the exactness of my previous answer.


"So you are in USA." This wasn't a question. Neither was it a statement. It was a space filler. A filler that Anjan kaku used to come up with something that would conclusively prove his depth of knowledge to me. Dressed in a white shirt and mud bordered white trousers, armored with a bag carrying smelly fish and peeking sprouts, Anjan kaku pondered, while Pota and Lalu stood in awe of something exciting that was likely to follow (Pota and Lalu work in the shop below my house and get thrilled when my Mom gives them some "foreign chocolates").

"Do you know Subir's son?" Anjan kaku finally spoke.

Once again this wasn't a question because he continued to speak. "He is also in US. I think California only. Close to Hollywood. Are you close to Hollywood?"

Before I could answer, Anjan kaku looked at Pota and Lalu (who were quite mesmerized by the situation) and imparted some much needed knowledge. "Hollywood America ka film industry hai" (Hollywood is America's film industry).

Pota and Lalu appeared quite excited with this piece of trivia. They finally had something to add to the conversation.

"Aap koi hero ko dekhey hai?" (Have you seen any heroes) Pota asked.

I thought for a second. My sister had bumped into Charlie Sheen during her trip to San Diego and dragged me to prove her claim. She later mentioned that most of her friends dint know who Charlie Sheen was. So I wondered if mentioning that to Pota, Lalu and Anjan kaku would be of much use. Here was a group of people expecting some stories from me and all I had to offer was nothing. Maybe I should make up some stuff for them; some stuff involving rampant orgies; that should excite them. I was also wondering if there were any Hollywood actors that Pota and Lalu would know. Maybe Jackie Chan. Maybe.

Thankfully Anjan kaku came to the rescue again. He was my Jackie Chan in shining armour. He quickly snubbed Pota and Lalu at their ignorance.

"Arre, Hollywood mein actors humarey politicians ki tarah hota hai. Unhey koi nahin dekh saktey hai (In Hollywood actors are like our politicians, no one can see them). Ek actor ka pachas body guard hota hai (Each actor has fifty bodyguards)."

Pota and Lalu seemed dejected. They had finally asked a question and Anjan kaku had classified it as worthless. I felt bad for them. The Pota Lalu combination is the source of all local gossip. Something tells me that there will be some unpleasant rumors abt Anjan kaku and the lady he has apparently been spotted with. We shall have to wait, hear, find out and spread.

At that point Pummy arrived. We were getting late for Dus. I wanted to watch the "Dus Bahane" title song. So we exchanged quick goodbyes and left.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Chinese Pick Up 

I met up with the elusive Ronny Dam after a stretch of almost two and a half years. The man is leaving for China in a week's time and what better way to celebrate, but by having some good old Calcutta Chinese food? However, true friendship is not just limited to having dinner, eyeing single women, making fun of each other's dressing sense and exchanging foul words - it's a lot deeper than that. Thus, like any true friend, I tried to educate Dam on the dos and don'ts of China. This included some classic Chinese pick up lines that I made up so that Dam can have his way with the women out there. Here are some of them:

* Beautiful, you make me weak on my Chi-knees.

* Hottie, tuney mera dil le Lee.

* Yellow, is it me you're looking for? (apologies to Lionel and Nicole Richie)

Monday, August 15, 2005

From India (more of a travelogue kind of post, so be prepared to get bored ... and now I feel like writing stuff just to make this a long title) 

Aha! Reached home! Setup the Internet connection to work with my laptop! Met up with Ronny Dam! Heard some very original Hindi lyrics (the likes that include "na jhappi do, na pappi do"). Started my tryst with the jetlag ... and loaded myself with good (no, make that great) home cooked food!

So I've always said that when it comes to traveling - I'm a natural magnet for "old Chinese men". It doesn't matter what form of transportation I'm taking - moi will always have an old Chinese gentleman sitting next to me (I could be exploring wild Africa and I'll still have a Chinese guy in the bicycle next to me). Ok! There are the occasional exceptions. Once the "Chinese gentleman" generalization was replaced with "prehistoric lady" from China but that's abt it. Bottomline being that, I'm always convinced that when it comes to traveling partners - there is no way I can ever have an interesting travel mate. So much so that if I ever find someone interesting (read "hot girl") sitting next to me, I quickly check my seat number and promptly shift to my actual assigned seat :(( However, this trip was an exception. On my trip from San Diego to LA (lasting a little less than 30 mins), I was accompanied by a Malaysian girl of India origin. She was quite interesting to talk to and the high point of that conversation was a trademark bad joke that I shall reproduce with sincerity:

Me: So what do you do?
She: I work for Intel.
Me: Wow! How often do I get to sit in a plane and mean it when I say "Intel inside".
She: *Courtesy laugh to make me feel good*

The other mentionable point from this brief conversation was me getting informed that my name ("Sagnik") is easy to remember for Malaysians. It seems "Shah" and "Nick" are both popular names in Malaysia and as long as you call me "Shah Nick" - the name is not half as difficult as one would think it is.

For the longer journey from LA to Delhi, I was surrounded by a motley of European tourists and the quintessential "traveling abroad for the first time desi techie". While the former group is hot, tempting and un-understandable, the latter is worth spending a few words on. The "traveling abroad first time desi techie" has three very important traits - (i) he dresses up neatly in formals, (ii) he takes out his laptop every ten minutes and (iii) he avails every service that the flight crew offer (free alcohol, change of headphones, free candy, two requests of "excoose me, can i get some more whisky", ear plugs, ear buds, a wife, what not).

The third trip was from Delhi to Kolkata and I was very happy to see domestic flying in India turning better with every trip. The high point of this trip was when the attendant in the transit bus asked me "Aap America se ho?" (Are you from America) and on getting an affirmative nod, asked his "junior" to help me with my luggage. This kindness was then followed by the quintessential "smile+extend hand for tip" combo.

Lots more to write but will take a break now. Peace! or as they say in Ms. Kolkata - World Peace!

Saturday, August 13, 2005


The purpose of this post is to crack a terrible PJ that I made up in front of V's parents (my "humor" seriously needs to be censored). Sadly, a two line PJ is too small for someone who likes to blabber like me :) Hence the introduction.

So aunty (V's mom) was saying that she noticed that a lot of Indian mom's visited their children when their wives were pregnant. In return I oozed the following profundity:

Aunty, here they often remember the naani only when they require a nanny.


P.S. The next two weeks are likely to have a lot of Kolkata based blogging (which should resume Monday onwards) - lots of pics, lots of raves, lots of rants - so basically lots of sights and insights :)

Friday, August 12, 2005


Location: Thai Restaurant in Downtown San Diego.
Cast Members: V (mid twenties techie), A (mid twenties Physicist) and me (mid twenties sex symbol - ahem ahem - who am I kidding? mid twenties grad student)

V: Hey A, are you seeing anyone?
A: No, I just broke up. But it's ok! I saw it coming.
Me: How do you spell that last part?
A: Heh heh! What abt you? Seeing anyone?
V and me: No!

V, A and I know each other from our high school days. Eight years back (yeah! That's when I left the gates of high school) when three guys met, they would exchange winks, smirks, banter and cheap jokes on one topic - women! "Are you single?", "Have you seen that girl man?", "Is she seeing that guy" and the likes ruled the conversations. Eight years have passed. All three guys have changed (or so they claim). Two of them are abt to add PhD degrees to their names and the third one is responsible for many a cell phone call that you make successfully ... and what do they discuss when they meet??? Women - still!!!

Obviously we've changed a lot. We no longer make stupid excuses to hang outside the girls schools. We just choose a good restaurant that overlooks the beauteous downtown streets. Obviously we've changed a lot. We do not make statements like "Hey is Priya single?" Instead we ask questions like "Dude, is anybody single?" Obviously we have changed a lot. We don't smirk or make weird sounds when a hot bod crosses the path. We just let out a gasp that sums up our last eight years. Indeed we have changed :)

Makes me wonder. Do things change later? Say, even after marriage? Will "men will always be men" always hold true? Will A, V and I meet eight years from now, with wives next to us (ok! If I don't get a wife by then I'll rent someone to be my wife for the evening), in the same restaurant? Somewhere in the middle of dinner and "how's pressure at work?", one of the wives will say "I'll be back from the restroom". The other two wives will join her and three men will be left alone for five minutes. Will we take that time-out to discuss politics, economy and corporate policies OR will we exchange stupid smiles wondering why the three wives went to the toilet together? Will we be matured "expensive shirt sporting" adults or will we still be just like we are now - men in shape and boys at heart. Will A ask me "do you have a secretary?" or will V ask A, "Hey, doesn't that girl on the road remind you of my first girl friend?"

Who knows ...

Thursday, August 11, 2005


I'm really exhausted!!! I'm making panting sounds that are comical and depressing at the same time. Poof!! And why am I in this state? Women's SHOPPING!

Now I've ranted aplenty in the past abt going to shop WITH women but today's situation was very different - I went shopping alone but FOR women. Lemme explain! I spent the entire morning shopping for my darling sis and my mom. Now shopping for mom is simple - she has a thing for fragnances and those aren't difficult to locate and buy! Also people are less reluctant to try out fragnances coz it's kinda difficult to completely mess them up (or that's what a guy feels). However, for my sis, I needed to buy clothes ... and they are a Pain In the A#@e to get. You can't just buy anything coz if it's not nice, lil sis wont even try it out. The red top will then sit next to that orange skirt that her first boy friend gave her (which she refuses to either wear or throw out). The problems don't end if she likes the clothes coz they have to fit her too. And you think it's "game over" if the clothes pass the fitting test? Nope! Coz the final and most difficult stage is where the clothes go through a strict censoring process headed by "Papa please preach" and "Momma don't screech"!

So, have you ever tried being the only guy in a shop full of girls? Ok! You did spot those two guys in the corner - but they have girls accompanying them. Ooops! One of them even kissed his lady love - so no one's questioning him. But what abt you? You are alone. You look lost. You have no idea what you want. Forget your wants - you don't even have an idea of what it is that you are looking for. So you aimlessly wander around the store - picking up things, putting them down and picking them up again. Just then the store attendant comes up.

"Sir, can I help you?"

*Of course you can. Can you make me invisible for the next 30 minutes*.
"No, I'm good."
*No, I'm not. I have no idea what I'm doing here*

"Ok Sir, I'll be just round the corner. Lemme know if you need any help."

You see the store attendant leave and the moment you turn around, you see a crowd of eyes judging you.

"Is he a pervert who's here to check women out?"
"Does he cross dress?"
"Who is he shopping for? Is he trying to surprise his girl friend. Yikes! Look at his choice."

The roving eyes ask a million questions and the one answer you provide to all of them is to keep your head so low that you can't see anything other than your own shoes.

30 minutes and six items later I appeared in front of the payment counter, gasping for breath; longing to see the Exit sign that'll take me outside the shop; counting seconds before I become a "man" again. All the clerk has to do now, is charge my credit card and let me go. That shouldn't take more than 30 seconds.

Did you find everything all right, sir?

- Yes, I did *I don't care, just lemme go*

Are you aware that we have a special discount on skirts - buy 2 and get 1 free.

- No, it's fine *Lemme go! Momma lemme go*

Are you aware of our return policy, sir?

-Yes, I am *I don't care. Lemme go. Just lemme go!*

That's a lot of clothes. Girl friend?
No, sister *how does it matter to you. Charge my credit card and lemme go*

How old is she?
She is 22 *She is two hundred and thirty seven years old. How does that matter to you? Do you want to marry her? Just lemme go*

Do you want a gift receipt sir?
No (almost in tears). It's ok! *I'm accepting. Yes, I'm accepting. It was me who forgot the lines in the class 2 play. It was me who spilled water on the floor in class 7. I agree that when I told my ex I was busy working in January, I was actually watching an episode of FRIENDS. I accept it all. Don't torture me any more. Just Lemme go.*

Another five minutes and the mandatory "id check", "do you want the receipt in the bag" and "please come back again" later, I saw the outside World again. You might not believe it, but the feeling was similar to what Will Smith experienced after his heroic escape from the space ship in ID4.


Wednesday, August 10, 2005

headLINES #29 

New toons in large screen format! New toons in large screen format!
See, read, try to enjoy and then ... forget!
Forget what?
I forgot!



Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Random thoughts from a trying-to-work mind ... 

Some random thoughts that are running in my mind:

* Can someone please explain to me why books and movies show aliens wearing a helmet and with an antenna ? No! Seriously, what's the deal with the helmet? I've never seen an alien riding a motor bike. And what TV programs are they trying to watch with their antenna? And why are aliens always so ugly? Why can't they be oooh la la gorgeous? Maybe it's all a decoy. Maybe all the bright, talented and good looking people around us are indeed aliens. What if the phrase "his acting was out of the World" has far deeper connotations than what meets the eye???

* I've been shouted at several times for raising my voice but never noticed the irony in the situation.

* If you are looking at a girl, then there's a thin line between admiration and perversion. "A second" is a glance, five seconds of calculated staring makes you an admirer and anything beyond that can get you a date with the security guard. I guess for an admirer to not turn to a pervert - look no further.

* I think happy meals are so called because of the amount of cheese they have - say cheese!

Monday, August 08, 2005


In an attempt to "entertain" a group of people in a gathering the author of this blog might have to resort to the only form of music that he occasionally lends his voice too - rap! Yup! For people who don't know me - I speak really fast and some kind hearted person created a genre of music just for folks like me. Yanyway! Here's the initial prototype of what I plan to blurt - ranting on some of my favorite topics :))

Hey single desi, are you getting some action
Forget the w(hole) thing dude, not even a fraction
I tell you all these women here - big distraction
Tell me yo desi, are you getting some action

My momma put my profile on a matrimonial site
I woke up to check it in the middle of the night
One woman said she liked me, wanted to give it a try
But she asked me for my visa status n if I was an NRI

So I told her I was a student, but new C, Java and Perl
Told her that I loved her and wanted to make her my girl
She then said I was her fifth choice, there was a 5 month wait
And that I needed an 80k job before I could ask her for a date

Then I called up my momma, with my 10 cent a minute calling card
Told her how being a desi graduate student was becoming so hard
Momma said "Don't u worry, we'll talk to Aunt Neetu's daughter
She used to be a very sweet kid, but since then has grown fatter

And soon I got a message from neetu_junior_cute_dame
I said I liked her id, even though I thought it was so lame
We exchanged all info - name, age, height, sex and location
Favorite actor, favorite actress, favorite place for vacation

But by day three there was silence, we had started to bore
I finally got the hint when I could hear the poor girl snore
I said "things aren't working out", so she called me a creep
Said that I couldn't get a girl like her, even in my sleep

And hence I'm single
Writing this jingle
Churning out rhyme
That wouldn't sell for a dime!

Hey single desi, are you getting some action
Forget the w(hole) thing dude, not even a fraction
I tell you all these women here - big distraction
Tell me yo desi, are you getting some action

Sunday, August 07, 2005

The "We Can Get" Guys! 

I've been wanting to write abt the "we can get guys" for a fairly long time BUT somehow I haven't managed to put my thoughts down on the text editor (doesn't "putting your thoughts down on paper" sound so much better?). I hereby conjecture (and once again people will blame me for generalization) that most men between the age of 18-28, including myself, have at some point been a part of the "we can get" guys group. "Who are they" you ask. Well, well - read on!

Have you ever seen a group of 3-10 guys walk down the road? They are dressed up well. Their hair is well combed/spiked/"carefully careless"/whatever. The top button of their newly acquired party-shirt is left open, exposing one side of the well toned chest. Their denim boasts of fancy labels. Water and body spray was used in equal volumes to bathe them ... I need not go on, coz we've all seen them. Popular places to catch them would be outside night clubs, fast food restaurants, leaning against railings of shopping malls and their favorite hangout - movie theatres. No matter who they are or what they do - all these men think that, that very day is the day when they'll get some woman attracted to them. Some damsel in some magical way will fall for their charisma, come up to them, and say, "Hey handsome, take me home! Will ya?"

It's a very guy thing. It's very sad too. Coz unlike women, men don't wanna look good. Ideally speaking, every guy wants to be in his boxers, without ever shaving, caressing his belly and burping away to glory. But we can't do that. Every time we go out, we painfully convince ourselves that it is important to dress up. It is important to look what we think is our hunky best. It is important to change our face to what we think is "the look" every time a girl crosses our path. If you don't believe me, just take some time to observe a group of guys when a girl (or a group of girls) crosses them. For a second they'll all forget their camaraderieship and strike their "choose me baby just one time" look. They'll then see their dreams get shattered just one more time and then get back to discussing whatever manly topic they were discussing. Somehow we men never wonder abt the logistics. We never consider the practicality of the situation. We can be four Indian engineers in the middle of Beverly Hills. Why will any hot blonde with a million dollars in her purse, and a smile to match, fall for us? Why will the girl in the red car stop for the men blushing red? Why will the group of three girls eating ice cream consider us to be cooler than the chocolate de-lite? Naaaay! That never crosses our mind. We are an optimistic bunch. We always believe that even though we went out single, for lunch we can be joined by a dame - how lame!!

And hence we buy expensive shirts even though they are uncomfortable, and hence we spike our hair so sharp that it can be used as a weapon, and hence we walk from one end of the strip to the other end relentlessly, and hence we never approach a girl and still think that she'll come up to us and offer love, and hence we are ... single men :))

Friday, August 05, 2005

Cleaning the Closet 

I know who's the first cricketer to score a century on his one-day-international debut.
I know what were the first lines Donald Duck said on silver screen.
I know which actor got an Oscar with the least amount of screen time.
I know why tennis balls are of the color they are.
I know the name of the first movie where Charlie Chaplin appeared as The Tramp.

I know a lot of stuff that I never use ... and yet I keep them well placed in corners of my mind.

I was discussing this with Rakesh yesterday and I realized that, like our rooms, we should have "mind clean up days" too. We'll go through all the stuff that's lying around and categorize them in split second decisions of "useful"/"not useful".

"Do I need to remember three lines from Dumb and Dumber? No! Good! So this space is freed up now. Now I can finally fit in those images of Jessica Alba that I wanted to."

"What's this? I didn't even know that this existed? I actually wrote a poem for a girl I didn't even know. Why do I need to remember that poem? Good! Out you go Mister. Aha! Now I can neatly lay down the thoughts of the few stellar cricketing performances I've given."

"Man! Too many thoughts of exes. I don't think I need more than 10 thoughts of each. And I've never seen these movie theatre memories. Are they even mine?? Who cares. If I don't clearly remember, I don't need them. Tata!!"

"Good! So now I have rearranged all the memories. The good ones are at an arms distance. I can access them from my comfy bed. I have kept some of the angry ones in the bottom shelf of the cupboard, lest I need to use them sometime. And those weird chats I had with Ronny. They are ..."

Wouldn't it be nice if we could do this???


The tickets arrived. Professors have been informed. Work has been completed ahead of schedule. GOD willing, i should be in good old Kolkata in ten days time - yessssss! It's gonna be a short trip - just two weeks, but I so need to be there. Like I told someone - the city acts like a charger for me - there's something in it that drives and motivates me BIG TIME!

Phuchka, chicken roll
Jhal muri, doiyer ghol*
Dakhineshwar, Adyaapeeth,
Westside, Park Street
New Market, Tangra
Music World, changra**
Nizam's roll, Flury's cake
Ballygunge, Salt lake
Badshah, Bedwin
Lighthouse, Chaplin
St. James' School, Peter Cat
Bijoligrill, beter hat***
Mukhorochok, Jalajog
Roshogolla, Rajbhog
Nicco park, Nalban
Globe Cinema, Nandan

... all these things have an amazingly positive effect on me! I love Kolkata!

* doiyer ghol = lassi = yogurt shake
** changra = harmless hoodlum
*** beter hat = straw hat = popular item outside Calcutta Zoo

Thursday, August 04, 2005

The Other Me (if only ...) 

People, please remember that this blog is written by someone with very little intelligence. So please don't take any of his posts seriously - that kills the whole purpose of the blog. A lot of the stuff the author writes is to poke fun at various situations without meaning any malice. If all his posts were to reflect his true nature, he'll have to be a male hating, women loathing, animal detesting, art abhorring, kleptomaniac and that's so not true coz the guy definitely doesn't steal :) So read, enjoy and FORGET! And yes, please leave your comments behind :)

As a comment to yesterday's post, the great Mr. Advani made a very interesting thought. Mr. Advani claimed that I appeared in his dream (!!!) where it was revealed that moi and the popular BridalBeer are the same person. Now, to begin with, I take that as flattery - appearing in the dreams of people who haven't seen me (notwithstanding their sex) and being compared to the very talented BridalBeer, are both very flattering thoughts. Sadly, even though I know BridalBeer quite well, I'm not her AND nor am I posing as her. There are two reasons for that - (i) contrary to my rants and the impression given by my posting regularity, I'm actually a fairly busy person. So starting another blog and maintaining it will be quite painstaking AND MORE IMPORTANTLY (ii) I WILL MAKE A TERRIBLE WOMAN. Yup! I've said it - even if I tried very hard, I'll be as convincing as a woman as Tom Cruise would be in the role of a discreet lover. Don't believe me - hear me out:

* I can't shop! The total amount of time I spend in a year in shopping is less than the amount of time most women take to try out "does this pink top go with the blue skirt" combination in a SINGLE store.

* I can't differentiate between scarlet, crimson, magenta, red etc. and I'm NOT color blind. So don't even think of asking me "do you notice the difference in my lipstick shade" coz I most definitely DON'T. On the other hand women are gifted with superhuman abilities in this department - I have at least ten blue T shirts that look identical to me and yet I've had girls who've mentioned that "this blue T goes better with your jeans than the lighter shade you wore last week". How, how, how do you do it women?

* I have very different reactions towards dogs and kids. Men, please support me on this - most women that I know (and modesty apart I know a fair amount) have the identical "ooooh! how chueeeeeeeet", "is it a boy or a girl" and "how old is he" reaction to both newborns and the barking variety. I, on the other hand, realize the difference that one of them can (and probably will) bite you, while the other can only nibble and poop on you :)

* I think gazillion was the number of times that ex told me "the problem with you is that you don't understand" and the truth is that I truly don't. Women, I believe, are gifted with superior qualities of perception, allowing them to understand a lot of things that I don't even know exist. Do you understand me?

* I hate chick flicks. I giggled when Rose and Jack were saying goodbye to each other. All that I could think of then was "will he do a flashback of the time he painted her nude?" I also think that Legally Blonde should be Legally Banned.

I can list a lot more reasons but I've got to go and update my BridalBeer blog now :)) or do I ????

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Best Hindi Movie Ever Made 

I had one of the most hilarious chats in recent times with M (of who shall be not be named fame). I wish I had recorded the whole conversation so that I could put it up in audio format coz my feeble attempts with Hindi were hear-worthy. However, the author shall still try to recreate the discussion. Ahem! Ahem!

So we were contemplating making a big budget Hindi movie based on the Harry Potter series. We had to make obvious changes to the story. Children movies don't do well in India and hence Hogwarts was converted into an undergraduate college. *So now we can have the whole college romance and "dance next to trees" angle* We obviously were thinking big - sequel big - one after another sequel ... ala LOTR big. So the first thing we needed for publicity was to come up with the names of the initial movies. So ladies and gentleman, behold. You are abt to be privy to the names of some of the biggest cinematic bonanzas to hit the Indian silver screen in the coming years. These include:

1. Hari Puttar Aur Bhabuk Admi Ka Patthar (yes bhabuk admi is the best Hindi translation for philosopher that I could come up with)

2. Hari Puttar Aur Raaz Ka Dabba

3. Hari Puttar Aur Kalaapani Ka Quadi *initially it was Tihar but M felt that Kalapaani should win*

4. Hari Puttar Aur Jwala Ka Katora

Need I even mention the star cast? Aren't the names enuff to get millions of people flocking into the theatres? Nevertheless, here are some actors we considered for the principal roles. We considered both an A and B grade version of the movie, lest we run into financial constraints.

1. Harry - we need a young, innocent, yet angry hero for this role. For the A-grade version we thought of Junior AB as Hari and for the low budget B-grade version, we have Vatsal Seth (he appeared in an obscure movie called Tarzan the Wonder Car) playing the Fab Wizard or maybe even the "young" Dev Anand

2. Ron - Saif will be a good Ron (he's a tad bit old to play the college student friend of AB but whatever). For the B-grade movie we needed someone funny to play Ron and I suggested Johny Lever. Ok! Ok! He's probably Hari's father's age but the story will show him as the college kid who never clears exams (a favorite stock character from Hindi movies). Incidentally, Johny Lever will play Fred and George in the A-grade version as well. So Johny fans needn't worry. In a movie of change - he's gonna be the only constant character :)

3. Hermione was tricky. We needed somebody who could be both cute and bubbly and yet appear to be studious. I suggested Slushy Sush but M vetoed it out *apparently she can't look serious*. Priyanka Chopra and Kareena (who was my first choice) were vetoed out too and finally we settled with Rani (who we know can be quite Babli). *Incidentally, we unanimously agreed that Esha Deol will play Moaning Myrtle* :)) In the B-grade version, M wants Amrita Rao as Ms. Granger but I somehow want to consider Upasana Singh (of countless Daku movies fame) for the role. Lesse who gets chosen.

4. Voldemort was a toughie. We needed someone empowering and given both M and my fascination for the Big B - we thought he'll make an amazingly menacing Bad Guy (John Abrahan will play the younger Tom Riddle). For the B grade version I wanna see Shakti Kapur. And yes he has to say "Aaaaaooooo"! No compromises on that :)

Lotsa other members were finalized too - Sanjay Dutt was zeroed in to play Sirius Black (who incidentally will be called Gambhir Kala), Sharad Kapur or Deepak Tijori could be Malfoy and Paresh Rawal or Sadashiv Amrapurkar was assigned the role of Snape.

I could just go on and on and on - but it's the audience whose vote counts most :) Do you have other artists in mind ??? Will you pay to watch it on screen ???? *or will you hunt us down and kick our innocent buttocks*?

headLINES #28 

Vendor: Relationship advice for sale. Relationship advice for sale.
Customer: How much for one?
Vendor: $100 dollars.
Customer: I'd rather be single and rich!
Vendor: Darn! You know that advice?


P.S. Two unrelated advertisements :) (i) To add salt to my woes of near zero social activities, Kashyapeya has informed me that they are planning a Mega-Blogger's Gathering in Bangalore. So go visit it and rock and post abt it. (ii) I have to mention this post on Calcutta, which to say the least is brilliant and brought back lots of fond memories :)


Monday, August 01, 2005

Matters in law 

This post is courtesy a chat with my darling sis's boy friend X. Now I had called up home and X was also there. So I asked Pummy what X was doing and she told me that X was chatting with my parents. Aaaah! The customary sweet talk with the girl's parents once they allow you into the house. I've done it several times and have seen tons of my friends face the drill too. So I asked for X and passed on some invaluable advice to him and since this blog is mainly an educational forum (!) I thought of sharing the droplets of wisdom here as well.

For starters, it's a big honor when the girl's parents start talking to you. It's a different thing when you and two other male friends visit her house and you are just "one of the guys". All you have to do then is say, "Aunty the food was very good." But when one-on-one visits begin (or are allowed) it gets a lot trickier. You, my friend, will be judged and you, my friend, will have to pass with flying colors if you want things to go any further. It's very easy to make your "very nice guy from a good family" tag turn to "I dunno what she sees in him" blotch. So be careful.

The line is thin - very thin if I may say. On one side lies the adjectives of "earnest, sincere, very sweet etc." and a small jump can get you the unneeded basket of "strange, fake, weird". So walk carefully. The key step is to identify who the leader of the house is. From my personal experience, the chances are higher that it'll be the mother. Once you've figured that out you have to divide your attention on a 60-40 scale tilting towards this leader. Remember - the mother always "cooks brilliantly". An occasional joking mention of "how the daughter is not even an ounce of her mother's talents" works wonderfully. There are some trump cards and the best one is when you say, "Aunty, how did you cook this? I have to tell my mom to do the same!" Yes! Once "aunty" ups "your mom" in some angle - you become the darling of the house. So remember - aunties are easy to please and the way to an aunty's heart is through your stomach.

Now let's talk abt the "uncles". The father is normally more protective abt his daughter and the chances are high that you'll face some icy chill cold shoulders to start with. The key is to overlook this phase. No father will greet you with "Wow! You are the guy who wants to date my daughter" smile. But there is one thing that's common to all these fathers. No middle aged man in India is ever at ease with the political situation there. It doesn't matter which party is ruling - there's always some political policy that irks the Indian man. The key is to ask non-partisan questions and then just let them speak. "So, uncle. How do you think the present govt. is doing?" If "uncle" likes the present govt he'll rant abt the previous one else the sides will be changed - but rant he will AND that lil rant my friend will get you a lot closer to the warm heart by the cold shoulder. Another savior when it comes to the father is Cricket. A "do you think India will win this series?" can get you the man of the match award very easily. So try to use it well. As a final note remember that music, movies and literature are dicey topics and should be avoided if possible.

Having passed on this information, it's time to get back to Perl scripting!!

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