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Thursday, September 29, 2005

Out Dated 

Some say it is inspired by an old Big B number.
Some say it is inspired by the hours of stand up comedy I watch.
Some say it is copied from obscure sources.
Some say "who cares?"


* Never date a girl who is fatter than you
- Then you'll always stand a slim chance

* Never date a girl who is taller than you
- Then she'll always be short sighted

* Never date a girl who is richer than you
- Then people will always greet you with a "poor you"!

* Never date a girl who is stronger than you
- Then you'll only get to do her weakly.

* Never date a girl who you are fairer than
- The you'll always be left in the dark

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

A Boring Day 

Well the day was not very eventful ... programming, debugging and more debugging and oh yes! this mundane conversation with Sid:

Sid: Is your one working?
Me: I think so.
Sid: Mine is not working properly. It's not going in.
Me: Yeah! That's a bad one. It's even worse when it goes in and doesn't come out. Happened to me once. Not a pretty thing.
Sid: So can you try once for me. Just put in your one once.

So I put my one in and it seemed to work well. Then Sid tried again and his one got stuck,

Me: You are putting in your one the wrong way.
Sid: Oh! You put it in this way?
Me: Yes.

Then it finally worked for Sid.

You know it's not been very exciting a day when you write abt you and your apartment mate opening the mail box.

Smack smack 

Am I the only person who finds the "desi female social hug" confusing? Things were so much simpler when I was younger - men and women were brought up with the principle that you only hug the person you marry ... and that too after you have your first child ... nothing before that :) But those times were different. Those were the days when Pepsi was priced at 5 rupees, cell phones were unheard of, Mahesh Bhatt was spending more time behind the camera than in front of it and Dev Anand was playing an overaged hero. Well, Dev Saab is still playing the non-angry young man (Main Solah Saal Ki) but the other things are beyond imagination today. And one of the new entrants to the many new things we have been exposed to now is the "social hug" - a trend that was there in the West for ages but is fast gaining popularity amongst Indians.

So to begin with - what is a social hug? A social hug is a small hug followed by the gentle brushing of cheeks, followed by a big smile and an occasional gentle pat on the back. It's very different from the "come on baby let's make out" hug where couples hug with passion so intense that you're often left wondering if they are wrestling. It's also very different from the "ohhh! I love you sooo much baby" hug where the girl closes her eyes and squeezes the guy like a drained out lemon. The social hug is supposed to follow three Ss - short, subtle and sweet.

But this post is not a wiki entry on social hugs but a rant o how they scare me. I personally stay away from social hugs simply coz I find it very confusing. Every time a girl approaches me for a social hug I go through all the rules in my mind. Now face it - I am but a techie. To me most things follow an algorithm. So I quickly run it all in my mind.

Do I go for the left side? No. Maybe the right side is better. Whatever it is I should NOT hit her straight.
How long should it be?
Shall I confuse her by whispering crap into her ears?
Am I stinking?
Which one do I go for - gentle half a second hand rest on her back or a gentle two pat motion?
How long should it be?
How long should it be?


And to top it all - the cheek kiss. Who do you think added this gesture to the social hug? That's what scares me most. For those unaware - the cheek-to-cheek kiss is one tricky affair. The two cheeks are supposed to gently brush against each other. Gently - that's the key word. A lil miscalculation and your jaw will go !bam! on the lady's face. But being too cautious is of no help either, coz then you'll just miss the cheek and maybe even hear a lil wooooshing sound (and that my friend mind you is NOT the air between your cheeks but the sound of embarrassment).

Woooooof! Two many complications. Whatever happened to good old hand shakes????

Monday, September 26, 2005

Tight Issue 

Ok! Another issue that has confused me over the years. Why do Superheroes wear tights? Why oh why oh why? Superman, Batman, Spiderman, This Man, Dat Man - everyman. What is it abt these seemingly uncomfortable looking tights that attract superheroes to them? Ask yourself - if you were to choose an outfit that could become a uniform that you might have to wear a gazillion times - what are the chances that you'll narrow it down to a tight so uncomfortable that you'll have a good chance of suffocating yourself even before the gadgeted villain attacks you.

I don't know abt you, but given a situation like this I would choose something baggy. Loose trousers, a Hawaiian shirt, dark Oaklees and sneakers. If anonymity is an issue I wouldn't mind wearing a mask but definitely not a leather tight body suit. Has anybody ever wondered how Spiderman pees? Sorry to put this image in your mind - but I'm sure that Spidey dint have a zipper in his tights - he would HAVE TO pull down his entire trouser to pee. Would you want your superhero to do that? Such a public nuisance that'll be.

Also I think I know why none of these superheroes have a smooth love life. Two letters - B.O. If you are wearing such clothes - it is but normal that you'll sweat like a pig. "Hey, Blah Blah Man, thanks for saving me from the goons," the pretty petite girl says. "Would you want to kiss me?" Blah Blah Man removes his mask and the damsel throws up instantly. "The goons were better any day ... any day! You stink," she wails. What say?

So what will your suit look like if you were a superhero???

P.S. Notice how classy I've been by refraining from discussing the whole separate crotch area of these superhero suits :)

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Weight till you hear this 

This is an interesting issue concerning a friend of ours, that S and I discovered this afternoon and it is worth a mention. Kind people with advice to offer can suggest possible solutions and our anonymous friend will thank you and maybe even leave lurid comments on your blog.

So the issue concerns a friend of ours (let's say X). Now X is on the heavier side of heavy and has a lady love who balances the scale of the relationship with an equal amount of mass. Not that X hasn't fancied shedding some pounds. I've seen those T shirts rest in his cupboard that have let out secret ambitions. I've seen the occasional small size shirt cover him up - shirts that concealed closely sucked in bellies that occasional bulged out for a well deserved breather. X's lady love has her desires too. She has a few dresses in her suitcase which she tries out when nobody is in the room. She looks into the mirror and smiles. Then sighs. Then the skimpy attires go back inside their small V.I.P homes. Now the problem.

I conjecture that in a relationship of two heavyweights (and that can be a good word mind you) it's very difficult to lose weight. If your girlfriend sheds some pounds and you still use the same belt hole as last month - well, you get nervous. You know that if she loses a few more pounds she'll be in a different league. Her neighbor who you thought she fancied might just show renewed interest in her. The same holds true for her too. She monitors your weight with feigned nonchalance. The moment you go shopping with her and buy a T shirt which is a size smaller than what she had gifted you in the last holidays, her mental alarm goes boink boink. She knows the girl in your lab who had gone out with you twice. But she never worried then. She knew that you could never get her. But now with this new T shirt you might actually stand a chance. Blah blah. Blee blee. Bottomline - insecurity grows. And the best way to combat is to let the person grow (now isn't that what relationships are abt).

So X and X's lady love have both tried losing some pounds but it is very difficult to do that simultaneously without making the other person feel insecure. As a matter of fact, the fatter one of them grows the happier the other one feels. Why do I care - you ask. Well coz I stay with X and I'm scared of the growing grocery bills :)

Help!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

A Bad Joke and some random listing 

Last night Vipul, Sid and moi followed the ooh la la meal in Punjab Tandoor with FlightPlan - a follow up closed space thriller from Jodie Foster post her moderately successful Panic Room. 90% of the movie is based inside an airplane and 80% of the movie is very engrossing. After the movie Sid mentioned that the ending was tame compared to the build up.

Me: There is irony in that.
Sid: What?
Me: It was a plane simple movie.
Sid: Arrrrrgh!

Current songs - Badd (Ying Yang Twins and Mike Jones) *Sid and I've noticed that this song is always playing when we are in the car*, Gold Digger (Kanye West), Dhol Wajda (originally part of Let's Enjoy but I got it with my copy of Asian Flava)

Current TV shows - I'm totally into Rome on HBO. Strongly recommended for people with HBO. The series is one of the rare historicals that look extremely hip and modern. Also watching re-runs of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Current Obsession - Oh! Go check her out. She's one of the cutest dames I've seen in a while.

Now stop reading crap like this and go and enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Giving some direction to my posts :) 

Ok! It's time for one more rant! In the past few days I've ranted abt things that are specific to Bengalis, Desis and once in a while even the whole male or female population. But now it's time to discuss a topic that I feel is even more widespread than my earlier rants. I think it's something that all of us do. You know what? Maybe this is the common connection between all human beings. And what might this issue be? The inability to just accept that you don't know directions to a certain place. The saga beings.

Even if you are not as directionally challenged as moi, I'm sure that you've asked someone or the other for directions at some point and I'm sure there have been several instances when these people were as clueless as you were abt your destination. But NEVER will you see people instantly telling you that they don't know. "I don't know," that's all they have to say. But that never happens.

The most popular gesture is when the asked person mentally calculates something. Sometimes the fingers join in as moving puppets to the thoughts. "Residence Road? Right? Well if that is Pine Avenue and that is (long pondering pause) Villa Costa then (now silence) ... then ... sorry, I have no idea!" What? Why couldn't you just tell me that earlier? I think somewhere down the line we feel that one has to be the most exquisite form of imbecile to be completely ignorant abt roads. Hence, we always put up a show before we accept defeat.

Sometimes things are even more fancy. The person concerned will call another friend of his. "Hey, man. Do you have any idea where the Prune Theatres are?" the hefty guy asks his friend who is eating lunch. The friend looks up and displays his expression of confusion but now it's his turn to put up a show. "Prune Theatres?" he asks again, with mayonnaise squirting out in joy. "What's showing there?" How does it matter what's showing there? I dint ask you out for a date sir. It's just directions that I ask for.

To end this post I have to mention one more issue that I face and many of you might not have faced. I stay in a place with a fairly large Hispanic population who don't speak any English. Try asking them for directions. They always listen to you quietly and occasionally even repeat random words from your query - "Freeway ... freeway ... Cadence Hall" and after all that listening, they nod their heads and tell you "No Englees". Why? Oh! Why? Oh! *and that spells yoyo*

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Da story of Di Relatives 

I think I'm one of the only Bengalis on the face of the Earth who doesn't have an immediate "famous" relative. Every Bengali - every Bengali - has some relative who is super famous. Seriously! Just go up to any Bengali and ask them abt their famous relatives and you can be assured of ... miles to go before you are let to sleep. Ok! Now I too have a grandfather who makes movies but he mostly evokes "courtesy recognition" where the person I boast his name to has no idea who I'm talking abt, but just to make me happy says, "Yeah! I think I've heard the name. What movies has he made??" Hmmmm! So that doesn't count.

But back me up on this - Bengalis love to associate themselves to famous people more than many other groups. Ask any Bengali who has treaded the route from Bangladesh to India and he'll narrate aplenty abt all the land and riches he left back there. Every one of them has a royal lineage - every one has a grandfather who was the pride, tyrant and savior of some "huuuuuge land mass in Bangladesh".

So in a time when our land in Bangladesh is gone, our royal ancestors are no longer by our side and Saurav Ganguly has surrounded himself in more controversies than runs - what do we Bengalis do?? We follow a simple philosophy - we take some celebrity and form a fictional relationship with him/her.

Just think for a second. Think of some of the Bengali "celebrities" - Sauravda (also called dada), Mithunda, Mamatadi, Jyotibabu - Bengalis always like to add that personal touch to their celebrities. Somehow it makes us feel closer to them. Have you heard of Shahrukhda, Bobby bhaiya or Hema behen? Nope! (I know that a similar trend exists down South but I'm not qualified to comment on that). I remember a neighbor of mine who played cricket for some local third division club and kept ranting abt how "Sauravda and Dona-boudi (term of endearment meaning sister-in-law) kept inviting him to their house."

Bottomline - I need a famous relative and I have one unified plea - nobody should ever address Rani Mukherjee as "di" - di End!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Eeet ees getting hot in here! 

Just a bunch of stray stuff. Maybe they are connected. Maybe they are not. Maybe they are connected. Maybe they are connected.

He 1: What's your favorite position?
He 2: Sixty five.
He 1: What? Huh?
He 2: That's sixty nine without "four play".

I was wondering abt the age old question elderly (senior) Indians ask you - "What is your good name?" and amused myself by thinking of this possible conversation between an Indian and an American.

Desi: Excuse me. What is your good name?
American: Dick.
Desi: Don't even tell me the bad one then.

This one is all Business baby.

He: I really enjoy your company.
She: But let's not go public with it.
He: Yes, I would hate to share you.

Musings 

Two social observations that I feel like talking abt ...

* What's with this trend of making twins wear identical clothes? For starters, it looks like you are squashing their individuality by saying, "That's it! The two of you are identical - not just the way you look but also the way you appear." And btw, how daft do people think we are - do we really need identical clothes to realize that two people look identical - duh? However, to me, the most irksome angle is the fashion loss of these siblings - if you bought two different items for the twins, they effectively get two possible pieces of clothing coz they can then mix and wear the stuff and no kid should be robbed of that joy :) Seriously, I think the whole thing is basically a time saving technique - it's like saying, "We've already spent an hour buying something for A. So lets not spend another hour on B and just buy her the same thing that A got." Hmmmmm!

* The second point largely applies to Indians in US (read desis). Why do we feel a compulsive need to get up in advance and proceed towards the door inside buses whenever we see our stops arriving? Have you ever seen any other group of people do it? Are we in a race or something? Yup! We got out first. We rock. You suck! Yeah! Is there something like that? Why else will we suddenly get up the moment our stops are visible and take wobbly shaking steps towards the door. Someday we'll realize that the bus actually does wait for everyone to get down. Right?

Friday, September 16, 2005

Touch me not ... (or maybe) 

Ahaa! Another risque topic (or so I think). Soon parents will block the URL of this blog from their children's browser list - yeeeeeeaaaah! But before that a big thank you to those millions (yes, literally) of lovers in and outside Nandan in Kolkata - without whose romance this post would've never happened :)

So men are horny bastards (here I go again on my generalization trip) and if you are doing the Nandan/Nalban rounds in Kolkata, you can see the guys trying to get some "action" (or once in a while some "action replay") with their lady loves. Now, lemme remind you that these aren't perverts (or maybe they are) - they are just horny guys in a relationship where the girl likes the guy too but has her inhibitions and limitations :) The whole post is abt how the man treads the line of horniness, taking lil baby steps (or steps that can lead to a baby) ...

Scene Uno - inside the movie hall ... dark and quiet ... in the presence of an erotic European movie, the guy makes his first move ...

The guy gently puts his arms around the girl's seat. Totally harmless - no touching - just on the adjacent seat. Now women, if this ever happens to you - BEWARE. The guy is obviously making a move - coz lets face it - the whole idea of putting your hands stretched around movie seats is very uncomfortable. It's like walking in a dark tunnel hoping to find the soft shoulder on the other end :) The guy then waits for a few minutes to see if the girl is perturbed by his "LoveMove 101". Women, at this point if you are uncomfortable and you want to end this ordeal gracefully, then you better shift a lil, move a lil, just look uncomfortable and the guy will promptly get the hint. If not, he'll then try the whole accidental "Ooops! my hand touched you" routine. Once again, women, silence and nonchalance at this stage means you are giving the fast red car a green signal and anything that happens beyond that will include you in the blame game too. So the guy waits for your reaction - counting One, counting Two ... and he gently rests his finger tips on your shoulders. Remember - it's Never "palm first". It always begins with finger tips coz they give you the golden (yet predictable) excuse of saying "Oh! I dint realize my hand was touching you. I'm really sorry." The palm, on the other hand (and isn't that line ironic) is right there on your face (sometimes literally) and that normally means "yeaaaaah! baby" ...

I feel tempted to describe the more risque routine of the guy touching the girls legs that can be seen outside the movie hall where it begins with gentle finger brushes against the ankle, followed by gentle "I'm itching your ankle routine", and then ... well, well. BUT then some things should be left to the imagination ... probably :)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

News, Views and something else that might rhyme with these words 

For starters, hard drive arrived today and my laptop is currently being restored to normalcy (hopefully)! The pretty, popular and prolific Megha has tagged me for the 55 word short story chain. So here goes my modest effort:

******************************************************
"Come on! Say something," he urged her. "Something at least. Your silence is biting me."
"My silence speaks a thousand words," she replied coldly, without raising her head.
"That's cheating," he cried. "The limit is 55."
******************************************************

I guess the rule is that I tag 5 other people - well, here they are - Anyesha, Rohan, Swathi, Ideasmith and Kumari!

On a disjoint but philosophical note, lemme present a question that came to my mind:

What is better - someone driving you nuts OR someone driving over your nuts?

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Look no more Vs. Look more and more 

Ah! The last few weeks have seen me posting enough social commentary and cheap jokes. For now, I'm back to talking abt my favorite rant - men vs. women and relationship issues. As good ol' Austin would say - "Yeah baby!"

Today's topic is also based on something that I've seen take place over the years and though I'll be generalizing in this post, lemme warn you that there are exceptions to this trend - but then that's for some other time. For now, let's talk abt the eagerness (or the lack of it) that men and women show in making a relationship "official" ... the saga begins.

I feel (for the non discerning, see I put that in bold) that men always want to quickly make things "formal" and proclaim to the World that "yesssss. we are going around". Women on the other hand are very reluctant when it comes to accepting the fact that "yes, I'm indeed taken". I call it the seeker and seeky phenomenon (and pardon me for the introduction of that word). To men, getting a woman is no less than a conquest. Like the hunters in good ol' days, the common man sets out hungry and distressed in the morning, with the faint hope that his search will soon be over. And boy, that's no easy search. It goes on for days, sometimes months or like with some of my peers - for years. So when men finally think that they are anywhere close to ending the search - they just wanna get done with it. That's us - that's men - that's the truth.

Women on the other hand are the sought after specie. They are the sparkle that all kings desire in their crowns but only the select few can acquire. SO they enjoy the spotlight. That's why they resort to the phases - "no, we are just good friends" to "he is a very close friend" to "he is very special ... i don't want to give a tag to our closeness" to finallllllly "yes, he is the one ..... (long pause) i think" :)

To sum it up, to women, the male market is like a sumptuous buffet. There are lots of dishes and you don't want to commit your taste buds too soon to any one of them. That leaves you at the risk of sitting through your meal full stomached and longing for your friend's choice. Also you always want to leave some room for dessert. To men, on the other hand, women are a staple diet - without which all meals are incomplete - so the moment you get it - you just want to have it - otherwise the entire meal would be bland.

Tan tana tan tan tan taraa ...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Don't "Excuse" me! 

I was talking with a close friend of mine who is planning to propose to a girl that he is sure will reject him. Being the sensitive and supporting person that I am, I suggested various excuses the girl can use to spell out "Get Lost" for him. There were the oft used "I don't think of you that way" and "I don't wanna get into anything serious now" that I suggested but I feel that maximum damage will be caused if the girl says the fast popularity gaining - "You are very nice and you deserve someone better" :))

This is one excuse that was not very popular in the nineties but is becoming a show stealer these days. Back in "those days" a rejection always earned the girl the tag of a "bitch", while a declining guy was labeled a "bastard". Then in the late nineties, I believe, some bright chap came up with this new excuse of "You are too good for me". Brilliant! Not just any brilliant - this was "chocolate fudge and vanilla ice cream brilliant"! Imagine - you can't blame the other person for thinking highly of you. It's not their fault that you are better! So you feel like sh!t but can't find a vent for the sh!t either :))

But seriously women (and even some men who say "You don't deserve a jerk like me. I'm sure you'll find someone who'll keep you very happy") - do you think this excuse makes sense? Have you ever seen anyone get fired for being too good in a job?? "Sorry Mr. Bose, we have to let go of you. When we hired you, we were expecting a 20% increase in profits but now you've made the profits soar to 80%. We hate deviating from our plans, even if it's in the positive direction. So we have to let you go." THAT NEVER HAPPENS. You never find a slab of gold on the road and say, "I'm sure that the man standing their deserves this gold more than me." Nope! So why try the same thing for relationship, eh?

The things that amuse me ... hmmmm!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Risque ... very risque 

Ah! What a weekend it was. Work was done. College Alumni Meet was attended (which was awesome fun). My longest single day drive (250 miles) and LA trip was made (which was great fun). And yes, lots of food was consumed (Italian, Indian, more Indian, Thai, Chinese ...) A new week has started now and hopefully I am all charged up.

Ok! Now coming to the post that I want to make. I mentioned this subject to Sid the other day and he agreed and I said to myself "I should post this on my blog BUT it's a bit too risque if not read in the right spirit." Later in the weekend I mentioned the idea to a lady and she found it absolutely non-risque and said that I should post it here and so I shall. So what is the subject of this much contemplated post? I FEEL THAT MEN USE CARS AS A SOCIAL PENIS. Yup! I said it and now you can read abt it :)

Seriously. It has always amazed me at the huge (and no pun intended) hullabaloo over that one male body part. How big is it? How this is it? How that is it and blah blah. How do you think the nose feels? Nobody ever cares how big the man's nose is? Or his toe nails. Or even his moustache and beard. The penis has become a status symbol for the modern man BUT BUT BUT it continues to be a concealed one too. So boys will be boys and they wonder what to do and BANG! They make the car a social penis.

No! Don't write (or read) me off. Just think abt it. "Hey, you should check out my new car. It's really big.", "Wow! Did you hear that. He got the latest model of the blah blah.", "Ya I like his car. But it's a compact one. I like big cars, fast cars", "My car is old but you should check out it's performance. It can give any of the new ones a run for their pride", "I got some work done on my car. It's no longer the old jalopy it used to be. You should take it out for a ride now." yada yada yada. Haven't you heard these lines before? Think abt it. Doesn't it sound strange? And you women join in the gung ho too. "You should check out my boy friends new car. It's so smooth.", "What car does your husband drive" - blah blah. We have all heard it. Isn't the conversational resemblance a lil too uncanny? Have we ever spoken like this abt our suitcases, or belts, toasters, refrigerators? Nope! It's always the car. Think abt it.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Truly Stray Thoughts 

Well well (btw, is that kua kua in Hindi?), I was in mood for creating two headLINES toons but the laptop has still not returned and I don't want to use Linux to create new prototypes! Hence I'll just post the toon ideas in word form. Also, since you'll anyway be using your imagination, don't imagine my standard stick figures for these toons. Imagine Pam Anderson and Monica Bellucci instead!! Hola!

* To an alcoholic sobering is so boring!

* Bargaining is price"less"!

On an unrelated note, my extremely bored and whacky sister has posted an ad for my dad in a leading matrimonial service (why why why). It seems that Mom and Pummy are having a whale of a time screening 50+ applicants for dad! The latest is that dad appears to be quite a catch and even got a slightly wild offline message the other day! As far as I'm concerned, if your dad has a more active dating scene than you do - all I can say is kua kua!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

A dream dad! 

I have to mention this. I was talking to dad this morning and he mentioned two delightful dreams that he had. Retirement has left him with more spare time than he thought it would and there isn't anything interesting on television either (he feels watching golf is the lowest form of entertainment coz it's the only sport in the World where they perform the same objective 18 times). Yanyway, all this boredom forces the Sr. Nandy to indulge in a lil siesta these days, which in turn has been playing havoc with his night sleeping habits - resulting in fancy dreams.

* The first dream involved some detective story where my dad was the silent spectator. Apparently the story was very gripping and involved an anonymous gunman who wore a long suit. Dad had reached the climax of the dream and the identity of the killer was on the verge of being revealed when Mom woke Bubin up. The incident has really bugged Bubin coz he feels that Mummum did this deliberately. He is now spending the day trying to unravel his "dream mystery".

* The second one involves a one line background - Bubin loves Sourav Ganguly (so much that Mom has contemplated getting them married). Dad's love for our consistently failing National hero is so strong that he often plans his days accordingly (e.g. he has noticed that when he watches Sourav bat with my sis's boy friend, Sourav fairs poorly - which is ironic coz Sourav always plays poorly. Hence, my dad comes up with interesting ways to keep Pummy's bf away on days when India has a match.) Yanyway, in Dad's dream, Sourav and he took a rickshaw ride from Park Street to our place and Dad gave Sourav many valuable tips on the way (????). They then got down from the rickshaw and started walking back home when an angry mob started throwing stones at Sourav (which dad feels comprised of Dravid loyalists). Sourav, in spite of his bad batting spree, was quite athletic it seems and ran away promptly but just when Bubin tried to run, he tripped over his lungi. That's when he woke up and what has been annoying him most is the fact that he had gone out with Sourav wearing a lungi. Ahem ahem!

I have interesting folks :)

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Planned Random Thoughts (or whatever crap you wanna call this) 

* A big change that I noticed in Kolkata is that people have way too much money. Hence nobody cares for change anymore.

* Depending on the breed, the love bite of a bitch might give you rabies or babies.

* Knock knock. Who's there? Invisible man. I see!

* Does too much sh!t piss you off?

* Rust can be Ironic.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

It's an Ad Ad World 

Aaaah! What a pain it is to be without a computer in the house. In a phenomenal coincidence, Subs's comp gave up too. So we are both left without computers right now. Aaaargh!!!

So this is something that has been bothering me. If you visit any Indian website (TOI, rediff, etc. etc.) all the ads that you can see are one of the four categories.

1. Cheap Calling cards for India (12c/min, 5c/min, 2c/min, free/min)

2. Fly from LA to Frankfurt to LA to blah blah to finally Mumbai at advertised rates that are almost cheaper than the calling card prices :)

3. Send money home to your parents (who are advertised as homeless people who are just waiting to receive a check from you) AND finally ...

4. Some cute girl smiling or a fat boy with SW Eng written below his photo screaming out "Marry Me"!

What? Are there no other markets for which they can target Indians. In the past four years, I've rarely seen any change in this format and that is very disturbing. In my mind I imagine their target Indian as a guy who:

Calls up home and keeps saying "Maaa, have you found a girl for me?" "Maa have you found a girl for me?" "Maa ..." This goes on and on and on coz the calling cards are dirt cheap. Then finally one day Maa says, "Yes! Beta we've found someone." So he instantly sends some money back to India for the wedding arrangements and then flies back to India via a route that touches every major city in the Globe.

Seriously! Is there nothing else that we can be targeted for. Visit any American site and you'll see so much variety. Laptops, iPods, penis enlargement pills, mp3s, furniture, cruise packages ... are we that "physically and technically well endowed" that none of these things would ever be purchased by us? Are we?

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Funny ... eh? 

My sister's friend who had recently met me for a fleeting 15 minutes told my sister, "Hey, your brother is funny." My sister gushed out this information to me hoping it'll excite me. That made me wonder. Is "funny" anybodies first choice? Is it? What other adjectives would I have preferred from this girl?

So here is a slightly philosophical question - if you had to choose one adjective that everybody would describe you by, what would it be? (And puhleeze, spare the "loving and caring" for the pageant contestants) And I'm quite sure that "funny" would not be the first on most people's list.

Let's think abt this objectively (coz yeah, that's what we do). Imagine that the adjectives "intelligent, handsome, funny, sexy, understanding, loving, caring, cute, whacky ..." are all being auctioned away and they have a "one person one adjective" strict limit. So which one will you put your money on?

"Ok! We have the fat man with the strange hairdo in the corner bidding for cute. Going One. Going Two. Going Three. Gone. Sir, now you are officially cute. Coming up next we have funny."

What will you be thinking at this point? "Ok! Maybe I'll bid for funny. But ... hmmm, intelligent is still left. If I'm intelligent, I can get a job with it. Funny can only get me some laughs. And sexy is still available too. I know I want to be called sexy. Caring is a little too general. Hmmm! Tough choice. I think ..."

"The bald gentleman in the corner with the family says 100. Do we hear a 150? Do we?"

"Hmmm! He can afford to be just funny. He has a wife and children. He also has a well trimmed beard. In my circle that means money. Yeah! He can afford to be funny, coz that will make him the well liked dad in social circles. I think I'll settle for intelligent ... the person who gets understanding will get my point of view ..."

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Wild Weekend Whim 

This came out in a conversation this morning. Why don't I have wild night stories? Simple - coz my social peer group doesn't lead to exciting wild nights. Lemme explain.

Say, I was a TV personality specializing in mother-in-law daughter-in-law soaps in India - I could've then had a good wild night story. "Hey, Sagnik. What did you do last night?" the reporter would ask me in the press junket. "Don't ask dude," I would then say, implying "Please ask again, dude." The reporter would oblige and I would then dish out exquisite Page 3 stuff. "Man, you know the girl who plays the maid in our serial? She and I hooked up. We partied all night long and then in the morning ... well, well, well ... let's just say that the maid ironically acted very dirty ..." Now that is a good wild night story. Something that I could mischievously narrate to my teenage son later and shock him ... alas, that's not my social circle.

I am a desi techie and my social circle does have a fairly vast diversity - I know desi techies, and desi techies and ... well, desi techies. So a simple "dude, did you get wild?" question would lead to an embarrassing "Well, me and this guy from the cell phone company got really drunk last night and then I don't know what happened but we woke up wearing each other's pants." :O See, that's not cool. Forget cool - that's not even room temperature :((

... and thus the techie stays away from wild nights, and instead Blogs.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Coming soon in 71mm ... 

The film addict in me wants to make movies. Great movies. Movies that will change the way people think - or at least the way women dress. Hmmmm! Here are some projects that are appealing to me right now:

1. A passionate tale where cricketer Harbhajan Singh falls in love with a slutty woman. I call it Bhaji on the Bitch.

2. A family drama where a King finds out that he has a brother in South India. A masterpiece called Anna and the King.

3. A musical (come on, given my expertise in this area, a musical was but expected) involving two stupid idiots. A musical bonanza that moi wants to call Dunce Dunce.

4. The story of an Indian chef who goes on cooking to feed his irritatingly obese child. A heart touching story titled Curry on Papa.

Popping the Q 

Another post courtesy a Kolkata Konversation.

A female friend of mine is scared that a guy she knows quite well might propose to her. Under normal circumstances such a moment is a matter of honor for (wo)men. A quick but contented smile is given (without letting go of the feigned humility) and the mental counter of "people who've fallen for me" is promptly incremented. Sadly, not all moments are so relishable and that is the case with my friend. The guy in question is somebody she likes and contemplates marriage with BUT is not very sure of right now. At such a time, a proposal might mess up everything - coz a decision has to be made. The display shows a "Yes" and a "No" and you have to click on one of the options before you can proceed any further :( A "Yes" might lead to a hasty decision and a "No" might mean a blunder in retrospect ... So she asked me what the chances of the guy proposing to her was and as usual, I was more than willing to impart my non-existing wisdom :)

Men normally go for two kinds of proposals. One - when they feel that if they don't pop the question, someone else will or Two - when they are sure that the answer will be a "Yes". The former kind normally happens early in a (semi)relationship. The other guy drives a car that is less expensive than yours but he also meets her more often. Then there is the third guy too. He stays abroad but calls her frequently. He offers her a trip to the unseen areas. So there is a lot of competition and you aren't sure who's leading. So you quickly throw the question - "Pompa, ever since I saw you ... I instantly knew that you were the one ..." Another variant of this proposal is when you know that you don't stand a chance and still want to give it a shot. For example, if Aishwarya Rai met me - she knows that I don't wanna marry her. So she's aware that in all likelihood I'll say No, BUT she still wants to give it a shot. So she instantly suggests marriage to me ... and me being me, I promptly say No. You get the picture - right?

In my friends case, this wasn't the scenario. The guy in question knew that she was not being pursued by anyone else. In such a situation the guy too is scared of rejection and wants things to remain as they are. He wants to be ABSOLUTELY SURE (the kind I am abt Aishwarya's hots for me) before popping the question. And lemme let you in a lil secret - the best way to ask the question in such a situation is to throw the ball in her court and invite her to a game of "love all". Look at her eyes, smile and ask "Where do you think this is going?" The beauty of this approach is that she can always feign that she has no idea of what you are talking abt and avoid the awkwardness. And women a lil secret for you too - if you ever face this question and are still unsure abt what to do - then smile back and ask him, "You tell me. Where do you think this is going." Going, going, gone!

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