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Sunday, October 30, 2005

Monday Musings on a Sunday Night 

Random lines moi used in conversations over the weekend:

* Sour grapes make good whine.

* Isn't it ironic that adult movies are over rated.

* When I see something that I've seen before, I get a sense of deja view.

* The concept of "just friends" is not too just - add just to friends and it's diffcult to ad-just.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Commenting on Commenting 

All ye kind commenters
All ye who speak kind words here
This post aint abt you folks
Coz I hold ye all too dear


Is it just me or have you guys noticed too that there's a distinct difference between the commenters on male blogs and female blogs. Now don't get me wrong - I know that some of the folks who are kind to leave their views on my posts also comment on some of the female blogs. This post is not abt you guys. It's abt those commenters who ONLY frequent female blogs. This post is to categorize some of those commenters:

* The "Present Madam" group: I'm not joking but quite a few of the commenters are more like the little kid who diligently raises his hand every day and says "present miss" the moment the teacher reads out his name. This group is largely male dominated. For some reason they have a fictional competition where they feel that if they don't have enough "attendance" they will fail the class. So they diligently come and leave the same comment for every post - "Great one! Nice views! Great one!"

* The "You go sister" group: This one's my favorite group of commenters. A hugely experienced group of women who have undergone EVERY possible feminine experience. Whether the post is abt pre-marital sex or baking chocolate cake - it doesn't matter coz these women will be there to usher support. There comments are mostly like "I totally understand what you are saying. The same sh!t happened to me too. I too fell for the same bloke you mentioned."

* The "Please post pictures" group: Once again a male dominated group. What is it with men and wanting to see photographs of women they have no clue abt? These women have to just say something as mundane as "today I saw a dog. It was very sweet" and instantly 20 men will be like "Wow! Just thinking abt the dog makes me smile. Please post pictures."

* The "I don't have IM" group: This is a fast growing group of male commenters who don't know abt the concept of email or instant messenger and decides to have an entire conversation on the blog. They comment and wait diligently for a reply to be posted and then they comment on the reply and wait again and comment again and wait again and ...

I understand that some of these observations might have offended some of you. Please leave a comment and let me know if you are annoyed :))

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

What a snore ... 

Yup! I've had it with snores and snorers. What's with me and snorers - which part of my personality do they find so appealing?? My dad's a snorer, my exes have been snorers, almost every other person I've shared an apartment with has been snorer - why oh why oh why?

There are several kinds of snorers (and yessss, I know abt them). Lets start with my dad's style - the Snoring Moustache Style. Most male snorers follow this style where they feel that snoring is like a moustache - the pride of a man. These people don't even feel bad abt snoring and keepin others awake. Ask them abt their snoring and they nonchalantly mention, "Oh! Real men snore!". How sexist is that?

Another snoring style that's very close to my heart is the "feminine style". First of all men should never see a girl snoring. It completely spoils the image. Imagine imagining a beautiful girl sleeping. You probably think that she's the cutest thing you could probably lay your eyes on and then you hear her snore - one moment you are thinking "what a beautiful thing lyin" and then next moment you are like "nope, that's more like a beautiful lion" :) However, from my limited experience, I've gathered that women are more attuned to the swooshing snore, where they repeatedly make gentle "phooooshhhh phooooshhhhh sounds" - a lot gentler trend compared to their male counterparts I'd say. Another nice thing abt women snorers is that they don't make grotesque nostril bloating faces like men. They go for a different look. The nostril rarely comes into action for female snorers and they go for the whole "fish face" style where they blow gentle fish-like kisses with their lips and occasionally add in a spit bubble. How very cute :)

Finally, I wanna mention my apt mate's style coz that's the original inspiration for this post. I call it the "Anticipation Style" where the snorer likes to mix it up a little. Always keeping you guessing "What'll he do next?" You can never be at ease. It starts with loud "Gaaaaaa gaaaa"s and then he softens it a lil and just when you think "that was it" he does a lil feminine "phoooosh phooosh". Not too bad. But then he starts the roaring style again, with more gusto than ever. And not to forget the moments of silence that is occasionally thrown in. I've figured that one of the most terrible things to do at night is to lie and think "What's it gonna be next, what's it gonna be - the swooshhh or the roar?" Hmmm!

P.S. D if you are reading this, stop giving me the excuse that "I only snore when I have a cold." Dude, you have to be the coolest person around then coz you seem to have a cold every night :)

P.P.S - Couldn't help but add this question - why is it that people don't wake up at the sound of their own snoring???

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Ctrl+S Private Ryannnn 

Think abt this. One of my dear friends is walking the arranged marriage route. But you know what they say - "arrange marriages are so passe". Nobody agrees to having an arranged marriage these days. They're all like "oh we met over the net and then we fell in love and then we married" - all in 30 days and under the constant regulation of doting mothers and over-inquisitive aunts :)) Yeah sure! Yanway, like always, I digress again.

Wouldn't it be nice if like most computer applications we could have a Ctrl+S option for relationships? This very dear friend of mine is doing the whole "My name is so and so and my favorite actor is so and so" followed by "what are your future plans" followed by "I'm doing this because my mother asked me to" routine - aka the "babu steps to arrange marriage". It's the first time he's doing something like this, and boy does he feel the pressure. You spend 12 phone calls just to reach the comfort level where you can finally tell her "You know what, I'm a graduate student and I frankly don't make as much money as you think I do" and the next thing you know is "Accha, I don't think this thing is working out bhery well. So let us be just friends." So my friend wants to know - what then? Will he have to start afresh again? Start from scratch? Again call up some random stranger and say "My name is ... I went to school in ... My father has a blah blah figure salary ..." I feel for you dude. I seriously do. The Ctrl+S option would make it really cool where you could save definitive romantic states and the next time around just start from there.

Save romance. Save love. Save a poor graduate student's marriage dreams.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Remembering the 80s 

The following two posts (one, two) are the inspiration for this post. Now, I speak the language filmeese quite fluently too, and wanted to add my 2 cents on this topic. The 80s in Hindi movies were, to me, "different" aka "hatke". I grew up watching Dharmendra bashing up alleged dogs and Jeetendra inadvertently advertising detergents for their sparkling ability. So I just reminisced abt movie moments from the 80s that faded from silver screen and lest they fade from common memory, this post was made:

1. The bad father-in-law: I can't believe that the heroine's father is no longer the villain in Hindi movies. Remember the 80s when every movie had the heroine's father indulging in all sorts of notoriety. The fallout between the hero and his damsel would always take place when the hero accused the heroine's father. The heroine would then shun the company of the man who pointed a finger at her dad. But soon she would find out from a secretly heard telephone conversation (I guess cell phones killed this concept) that her dad was indeed an animal (read darinde) and all peace would be restored. The part that used to shock me the most was the calm demeanor of the girl in the climax when her father would get killed. Very disturbing. But now they are gone. Hmmm!

2. The multi-colored smoke bomb: I don't know how many of you remember this one. It used to be a stock moment in 80s daku-based movies. They had these bombs that would explode and there was no fire - just a lot of multi-colored powder that would be shown. If you can't remember what I'm talking abt, try imagining a scene where the hero is riding his motor bike (yeah, cars were expensive then) through a series of explosions - none of which remotely hurt him, coz none of them were explosions in the first place, but just red-brown dust instead.

3. The two-villain-vamp dance - Remember vamps? Not the Helen-who-we-all-know vamp BUT the 80s "dance in mini-skirt shaped saree" and "appear in only one cheesy dance" vamps? And they always had two villains (one of which was always Ranjeet) who would suddenly join in for an impromptu shake-a-leg move. Karan Arjun was the last movie where this stock situation was used before killing this trend. Why why?

I can just go on and on and on - the helpful dog, the "sister who gets married to a bad guy and hence hero cant beat the sh!t out of her husband", the evil munim-ji (played by Kader Khan) who was both a comic relief as well as the villain's right hand (literally) man - but I have work to do now. So peace!

P.S. Please read Plumpernickel's comment for this post for some hilarious additions!!

Friday, October 21, 2005

A heartfelt mail - please respect my sentiments 

Dear Spam,

It's been a while since we last met and I blame my spam blocker for this development. I want you to know that even though we don't meet as often as we used to, I still remember you. I haven't forgotten the days when I'd wake up in the morning and get greeted by you. In a World full of selfish people, you sincerely cared for me - from vacation packages to pills for greater satisfaction - you tried taking care of every pleasure of mine. You even offered me wealth from deceased ministers of far away lands - a gesture that I strongly appreciated but couldn't accept, fearing it would tarnish our friendship. You understood how difficult it is to be a graduate student and tried to make life simpler for me in more ways than one. Don't think that I didn't understand those subtle gestures you made to make me happy. Like the time you offered me software worth thousands of dollars, knowing very well that I was a Computer Science major and would have loved to use them. Or the time when California house prices went soaring up and you got me pre-approved for at least twenty mortgage services. No friend of mine offered help in such volumes and you did all this without ever asking for anything. I still remember how depressed I was after my last break-up. Many friends offered sympathy but you were not just another friend. You found out every possible lonely housewife in my neighborhood and informed me about them.

And still ... and still we drifted apart. I guess I needed more space - especially the 2GB that my email service provided me. You had started invading that space and that was the start of problems for us. I don't know if we'll ever cross paths again. But as the great bard once said "If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then, this parting was well made."

Cheers.

-Sagnik.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Part too (bad) 

Ok! Now it's part two of yesterday's post. So where were we? We saw the first relationship take place and we also witnessed the first break up. The heartbroken boy felt terrible when he no longer had a girl by his side. He could no longer watch chick flicks that he secretly liked and put the blame on her. The girl's mother is angry too. Coz she has to buy new pillows for her daughter because she has buried her head in her pillow and tears and smeared lipstick are playing havoc with it. But what now? Where do these lovers go from here?

Each one of us secretly rates ourselves and the people we date. The rating systems might vary BUT there's always a secret assessment that's present. So let's say that you think your first love was a 7/10. So after your first break-up, you think that you have a point to prove. You can settle for a new 7 but it'll be terrible if your ex gets herself/himself a 7.5. For that matter s(he) can even get him/her self an 8. What will people say then? Moreover, with all the crap that you've endured - you feel you DESERVE an 8. So the search becomes a tad bit more difficult. Coz we all know that there aren't that many 8s walking single.

But one day you meet an 8. Sitting quietly in a restaurant she smiles at you. You offer to pay for her lunch coz she looked as hot as the kebab she was munching and also coz you knew that the kebabs in that restaurant were a steal. Love blossoms again. Movies. Junk food. Imitation jewelry. Cards - though not as many as earlier since you wanna appear a lil more matured. Soon the first anniversary takes place. Before you know it's two months away from your second anniversary. You've been saving up diligently to buy her that gold pendant with her initials on it and then your friend calls you up. "Hey, I saw your girl friend in the movie theatre with another guy and ... and ... I dunno what to say ... (long silence)". Yup! The feared thing happened. Your 8 found herself a new 8.5 ... and you are back to being single ... again.

So now you need a 9. You've dated an 8 already. That doesn't hold any charm for you. And your 8 has an 8.5 wooing her now. So you HAVE to get yourself a 9. But 9s are like Mallika Sherawat's salwar kameez - they can rarely be seen. And let's face it. You've grown old too. You started off as a 7.5 and even touched 8 for a while BUT that was when the boyish charms were by your side. Now you're an aging 8. Rumors have already started flowing that you'll soon have to forfeit your 8 status and join the 7s. You need to find a 9 fast.

Three months pass by. You are still single. One fine day you hear that there's a single 8 in town. "8s aren't that bad," you say to yourself. Your ex was an 8. Actually if you think objectively your ex was a 7.5. You were just being generous with your grading. So settling for an 8 will definitely not be a step down. So you take your wooing kit (read overdose of male fragnance, hair gel, that shirt you look especially charming in) and set out to win over the single 8. Alas! There was a single male 9 in town too. Three months back he too had a bad break up. Like you he too was waiting for a single 9 but had stepped down for an 8. Too bad that you are'nt a fading 9 yourself. All that aftershave and hair gel went to waste. You're still single.

Three months later you realize that all this grading is a shallow business. Come on, you used to date a 7 and the two of you were happy (or at least that's what you told her). So a 7 will not be that bad either. So the search for a 7 begins. Three months down the line you have the realization that 6.5s are good too ... so 6.5 it is ... six months later you are standing in a night club eyeing 5s ... 4s ... 3s ... 2 bad!

"Mom! Mom! Can you please get me a glass of Horlicks ... and what were you saying abt Sheila aunty's daughter being single????"

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

As they come and go ... part one 

Sometime during my August trip to Kolkata, when the enigmatic BridalBeer was making us wait, Samit Basu and I started discussing why it gets increasingly difficult for men/women with earlier relationships to get other women/men till a certain age ... and then the trends change. A most interesting case study of the "seeker mind" was done and some of the results are discussed here in a two-part post.

At some point it hits us that we've never dated. This thought might strike you anywhere. Anytime. You are walking back from a two hour physics tuition wondering how long it'll take for that ball thrown at an angle of 62.5 degrees through a viscous fluid to touch the ground. "Nope! I need a girl now. Enuff is enuff," you say to yourself. The thought might even strike you when you are watching Titanic with your other weeping female friends. "I need a Di Caprio too," the weeping girl thinks. Bottomline, it doesn't matter where and when - the thought will strike. For me it happened when I was seventeen. Some of my sister's friends had it when they were half that age. My twenty five year old apartment mate will hopefully have that thought ten years from now.

"Beta, where are you going?" the doting mother asks.
"Don't stop me mom. I'll be back only after I find a girl," the immaculately dressed boy answers.
Bang! goes the door. The mother drinks the Horlicks herself.

So after some initial searching and looking around you land an initial boy/girl friend. You introduce them to everyone and stress on the fact that you are "no longer single". First relationships are always fun. Both parties have years of desires that defined a relationship for them and every day it's a new tryout.

"Ok. We tried the whole holding hands and walking thing last week. What's it gonna be now?"
"Sex?"
"No. We are still too young for that."
"How abt me buying you a soft toy? Big teddy bear?"
"Yeah. That sounds like a plan."
"Can we have sex after that."
"How big is the teddy bear?"

Then, once all these childhood and adolescent dreams take shape, you suddenly have an assessment day. You sit back and ask yourself the all important question - "what next?" You've seen twenty movies together. Made out in the movie theatre as well. Eaten pizzas from every city chain. Bought more mushy cards than one thought was humanly possible. What next? That's when one of the partners makes that all important phone call and says, "Hey, we need to talk." Fifteen days, scathing abuses, torn gifts and incessant phone calls later you are back to being single.

So you take your hunting kit and enter the jungle again. But this time you are equipped with additional confidence. "I can and have to do better than the last time," you murmur.

Part two will touch on the very interesting topic of yardsticks for this search AND yes ... we will provide the solution to that physics problem :)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Scraps of crap! 

The blogger presents snippets from two interesting conversations he had over the past two days. The prude or the weak hearted beware - read no more.

Conversation Uno (I seriously need to learn 1-10 in some new language)

She: Whatever! Too bad we are chatting - you totally missed the tone of that whatevah!
Me: Yeah! Whatevah is one of those expressions whose meaning lies in the way you say it. Like my ex used to do the whole "quick WHAT followed by dragged EVER, with accompanying eye rolls and gentle nods".
She: What-evah!
Me: You know what they call a very powerful whatevah?
She: Huh?
Me: "Watt"evah!

Conversation Deux

Me: You are such an ar@e hole (jokingly)!
She: Hey! Don't say ar@e hole. I get offended. I don't mind the F word but ar@e hole bugs me off.
Me: Yeah! Ar@e hole stinks!

P.S. An update that has to be mentioned. While chatting with M (who cannot be named) she mentioned a very interesting point abt the Deepak Tijori post. Apparently both the movies where Deepak Tijori was pitted against Shahrukh Khan (Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa and Anjam) had Mr. Tijori impressing the ladies more than King Khan himself. In other words, the King Khan might be the SuperDuperMan of Bollywood but Deepak Tijori is his Lex Luthor.
:)

Monday, October 17, 2005

Some women that I've known 

* I once knew a girl who followed her dreams. She's currently under medication for sleep walking.

* I once heard of a girl who was an animal in the bed - a sloth.

* I once knew a girl who was a self made person. I feel privileged to have known the first human clone.

* I once knew a girl who said she still had a little child left in her. Nine months later I found out what she really meant.

* I once dated a girl who slept during our dates. I guess she was craZZZZZZZy about me.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Snippets from the weekend 

Oh! It has been an awesome weekend till now. Last night Sid, Subs and me made an impromptu trip to LA for Durga Puja. It was great fun and we also got to check out a nice santoor performance by Rahul Sharma.

Today they celebrated Durga Puja in San Diego and that was awesome fun too. We followed it with a great evening trip. Aaaah! The sights were brilliant!

***************************

Why is it that all tabla players are either bald or have the curliest and most unkempt stack of hair? Can't we have a tabla player with a crew cut or just a neatly combed hairdo?

Also I noticed that in any classical music concert we always have these people who nod their head from left to right and left to right and left to ... you know where this is going, right? Why? Why don't people nod top to bottom? Why do we have to disagree with whatever we are listening to in order to appear cool?

***************************

We were talking abt porcupines today and somebody asked me how I thought porcupines made love?
- How will I know? I just feel that it's probably a real pine in the arse.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Deepak Tijori - the unsung hero 

So what are the principal ingredients for a good romantic relationship? Trust, love, a cheap food joint where the waiter doesn't stare too much at the girl, and ... and ... and ... a Deepak Tijori. Who you ask? Deepak Tijori - the guy who directed the Shetty Sisters in Fareb?? NO, not that Deepak Tijori; but Deepak Tijori who played the "second fiddle friend" to perfection in hits like Ashiquii, Saajan, Khiladi and the likes. I feel (and you can oppose me if you have nothing better to do) that any successful romance needs a Deepak Tijori.

A little background now. Someone recently asked me to dig out some reasons why a lot of the relationships involving our friends failed. A little thinking later I realized that all these relationships lacked a friend who would get the couple together for a patch up once they had their big major rift. What happened was simple - guy and girl fought; girl went and sobbed to her best friend who called him a bastard; guy went and drank with his buddy who called her a hoe; girl went and sobbed to guy's drunk buddy, who then slept with her and justified his stance; basically it was all dirty. Very dirty.

A good Deepak Tijori would've asked the girl to meet him in a pre assigned location. He would then secretly call the guy to the same place. The couple will land up in the same place, at the same time and get surprised to see each other. There'll be a long (and somewhat boring silence) with accompanying clarinets in the background. Finally, the guy will look up and say "How are you? (Kaise hoe?)" The girl will miss the double entrende and smile. Fifteen minutes later things will be back to being normal and Deepak Tijori will jump out of nowhere and join the couple in the happy song.

But finding a Deepak Tijori is not easy. Normally men distrust every other men in a relationship - unless you are a Deepak Tijori that is. You have to be trustworthy and loyal. At the same time you should have a playful side to your personality, so that you can add in a wise crack if the bickering couple are going out of control. Your personality should be strong enough to support the line "Now listen to me carefully the two of you ... you still love each other ..." but you should never be a Manoj Bajpai of Satya to steal the show from the actual hero. The girl should trust you as a friend but never more than that. You should always be like a "buddy to her" and never a "body to her". To sum it up - a Deepak Tijori stands in the intersection of many a thin line, while never crossing any of them. We all need them. Where are you Deepak, where are you??

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Altar-native 

I was talking to a friend of mine (obviously I can't name her) and she said that she was considering getting married because that would allow her boy friend to get some tax deductions. As kind a gesture as that might sound like, "I think it's a terrible reason to get married," I said to myself. But then I thought. And then I coded a little. And then I went back to thinking and I realized that I've heard of far worse reasons for people to get married and here are some of them:

1. I was too drunk (aka the Vegas style): Yeah! That's a good reason to pay alimony. Rachel described it as "the worst hangover". I say it's the "most expensive drink you can ever buy for yourself."

2. I've been a virgin for too long: And now you'll get screwed for a much longer period my friend! Whoever thinks that marriage equals free sex obviously doesn't know how much a diamond ring costs.

3. My ex was getting married: And so you had to beat her to the altar. Bravo! I'm sure she dint ex-pect it.

4. I love getting family discounts: Do you think "this counts"?

5. I was tired of cooking for myself: So you wanted to spice things up, eh? Remember the adage involving too many cooks broth(er)?

Monday, October 10, 2005

Age old stuff 

So I just heard from someone that ex has been "concealing" her age. And it's not one of those "hide a few months to still be a teenager" kind of concealing. If rumors are to be believed (which I'm tempted to) - ex has been hiding her age by a good two years . This made me wonder - am I really that old??? Has the grey hair finally caught up with the grey cells?? Should I be hiding my age too?? Hmmmm!

A lot has been said abt the enigma concerning the fairer sex's age and the darker (?) sex's salary. We are now part of a society where it's ok to flaunt breast sizes but uncouth to ask a woman her age. So I shall comply to these societal norms and not delve into the topic of women and their age but instead deal with the issue from a male perspective.

To be perfectly honest, men lie abt their age too and here are some classic situations when they do so:

1. The Boy Genius - "I was sixteen when I finished undergraduate chemistry," a friend of mine would boast. Screw you! We all knew you that you turned sixteen on your twenty first birthday - so shut the baby mouth up! This btw, is something very "male"! A lot of men love to reduce their ages to make their very ordinary accomplishments sound brilliant. "My son knew how to spell when he was three," the father would boast. "Very good! Too bad you dint know how to count then - didya?"

2. To Eliminate the Creep Factor: The sweet girl sharing dinner with you claims she is twenty two. You are twenty nine. You know your grandmom and grandpa had an age gap of sixteen years and that didn't stop them from providing you with innumerable uncles and aunts. But still! 29 vs. 22 - naaaah! "So how old are you?" she asks you while licking the sauce from her upper lip using her tongue. That's it. It's lie lie time. "I'm twenty .... twentyyyyy six" you say. You see the girl taking a moment to do the mental calculations herself - she adds her nicely hidden two years to her advertised age and decides that 26 vs. 24 is not all that bad. Everybody is happy!

3. Maturity Oozes: Barring faking age to get into night clubs or to buy yourself that much needed beer, there is only one other time that I can think of when men actually increase their age and the reason is simple - to sound more mature and to be taken seriously. "So you think that India should disinvestment even more? How old did you say you were?" your colleague asks you with that all familiar tone of sarcasm. "I'll be turning thirty this year," you say without a blink, calmly adding the two years to your age that my ex has been letting go :) "Wow! You look a lot younger," the colleague replies, almost sounding apologetic. The same trick is used when you meet a woman who fits your bill but is a few years older than you. So you get bold, turn a lil old and a lie is told.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Perspective - .,'!:; 

Part of an actual conversation I had with a great friend this afternoon.

Me: Have you heard of this new album called G? They've been promoting it like crazy.
She: Is it a movie?
Me: Nope! I think it's a private album - though G can very well be the name of a Ramgopal Verma movie.
She: Seriously! His movie names keep getting shorter.
Me: I wonder what he'll call his next movies. Maybe it'll be just a punctuation mark.
She: Hey! Apostrophe will be a good movie title.
Me: You do realize that an apostrophe has no identity by itself, coz then it's just like a comma. Only when there's some other character below it does the apostrophe become itself.
She: Wow! That's very true and also very deep!
Me: (laughing) So an apostrophe is like a bad boss - it always needs someone below it in order to tell people who they really are.
She: Whatever!

...'

Friday, October 07, 2005

How Romantic 

Ok! So it's time to give credit to one of the best lovers of all time. A man who not only had his cake and ate it too but also made you pay to watch that trick. The man who redefined romance for so many of us. The man who was the founder of the concept of ... Candlelight Dinners.

Now I can sense a few raised eyebrows already. "What makes you assume that it was a man?" a few of you ask. Just think. Think for one second. Does a candlelight dinner sound like something the fairer sex would have come up with? They came up with diamond rings, ..., and teddy bears, ..., and pendants with their initials on them, and ... It had to be a man who came up with candlelight dinners AND that man, I feel, was a genius of the truest form.

Now this is what I think actually happened. Some girl came to some guy's house. The guy had assured the girl that they would have a great time together but he drank beer with his friends the night before and slept off. A series of long and consecutive rings of the door bell woke him up. He got scared. He had arranged for nothing. He hadn't even cleaned up his apartment. To top it all, the long overdue shower had also not been taken. So he quickly thought of something. It took him 30 seconds and the stage was set.

The girl walked in and was initially surprised. "Why's the room dark?" she wondered. "So that it's just you and me baby," the guy must have feigned a Zorro voice. "I just want you to see you and nothing else," he whispered, while murmuring to himself, "and I specially don't want you to see how dirty my room is." The darkness made it difficult for the damsel to spot the stack of unwashed underwear that lay next to the table. The fact that the lights were switched off, coupled with the no fan combo, made the whole ambiance extremely cost effective as well. Soon she started to sweat and hence didn't dare to ask the guy abt the source of the pungent body odor. Sheer genius. G.E.N.I.U.S.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Guess who's back 

This conversation took place with a friend a few days back when the telephone rang and a new number showed up on it.

Me: Hello!
Voice: Sagnik?
Me: Yes ... who's this?
Voice: Ha ha! Guess who?
Me: Do you really wanna play this game? You know it can go on for a while. Right?
Voice: He He. You haven't changed at all. He he!
Me: Haven't changed since when? Give me a yardstick for comparison at least ...
Voice: He he! The same old Sagnik. He he he ... Idiot we were in school together.
Me: Great. Now you've brought down the possibilities to just a few hundred people. That shouldn't take long. Now we can start guessing.

We continued talking as my long lost high school friend progressively teased me with additional information abt his identity. What a delightful game it was! Finally, after 5 minutes, we narrowed it down to the option that I had no idea to who he was and he finally let out the secret ... hmmm!

So now the big question? Am I the only one who gets scared when long lost friends/acquaintances contact you after eons? Or is it normal to get scared and feel apprehensive then? What is the first thing that comes to your mind?

For me, anytime an unheard voice asks for me (and I'm sure that they aren't trying to sell me cheap calling cards or offer credit cards) two thoughts strike my mind:

1. Somebody is probably coming to San Diego and I have to be their official tour guide. Yup! That means one more trip to Sea World and the San Diego Zoo.

2. I owe someone money and they have finally tracked me down :( So I quickly start to think of random amounts I might have owed people ... "I dint pay Ari for a movie once ... Ronny paid for my ticket last year ..." ...

Scary!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Can you keep a secret? 

A friend of mine and moi were having this profound conversation:

He: Do you think X and Y (two of our friends) have slept together?
Me: No idea!
He: I know what all they've done (with a smirk).
Me: What?
He: Sorry! I can't tell you.

What? Then why mention? Why tease my curiosity? Why play Paris Hilton to my mind and then become a Roseanne? And this is not the first time that something like this happened. Have you noticed how even being privy to the smallest pieces of information make people add a whole new persona? People always like to dramatize the knowledge of secrets.

Like this friend of mine. He's a self proclaimed storehouse of secrets. Everything. Ranging from "why the new girl in the department is wearing a red dress" to "why India should produce more wooden products" - he knows something abt everything that someone or everyone is unaware of. I could be sitting in a lame burger joint with him, munching an overdose of cheese, and carelessly say "Hmmmm! This burger is good!" and that's all that'll be needed to make him go. The funny thing is that he always looks on both sides before letting out a theory. Like he's being watched under some radar. And it's never just one round of looking. It's always "left, right, wary-expression, left right". Then the voice deepens and he says, "You know why these burgers taste good, right?" "Coz they make it properly with chicken and cheese - a combo that can't possibly go wrong?" I ask myself. But alas the answer is never that simple. It always has some deep rooted reason - reasons which are far too confusing for my mind or this web space?

And btw - what's this thing with people hushing their voices when telling a secret. When will we realize that jarring your voice with hush tones doesn't make the voice any less audible. I'm not exaggerating but I've seen people exchange secrets and eye expressions to each other across the room in a hushed voice. What's the motivation? Do we appear blind or deaf - or are they plain simple dumb?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Love (F)actually 

Some stray thoughts with love as a common super-glue ...

* What do you call a male lover with new found charisma?
- Casa-nouveau

* If an emotion touching your mind makes you senti-mental, then does a slap on the jaw from a woman make you senti-dental?

* Did you hear abt the good desi housewife who scandalized herself at dinner table by saying "Ji haan" to what she thought was her husband saying "Aur ji"?

Monday, October 03, 2005

Blogging the Old School way 

For starters, A Happy Mahalaya to all of you reading this. Let us hope that we all have an excellent DURGA PUJO. For all the Bengalis like me who stay out of Kolkata and miss the Mahalaya tradition - check out the great Birendra Krishna Bhadra's rendition available online here and here.

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I've finally activated the word check option on commenting. I agree it's quite a pain but after a billion spammers came and told me "i like the effort you have put on your blog. i maintain a dating site ..." I decided to take the step. So (teddy) bear with me.

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So last night Sid and I were watching a reallllly bad mid 80s Hindi movie and we realized how much we missed them. As Jitendra jumped from rooftops to rooftops in a horrendous leather outfit, sporting a beard so fake that even he found it difficult to hide the snicker behind it. Shatrughan Sinha is a genius. No man can use the exact same lines, expression and baritone for a romantic scene as well as one that involves hurling abuses at the corrupt village head - but our man Shotgun did it with amazing panache.

The best part of the movie was that it was hilarious in its most intense moments. Jeetendra stood on top of a village water tank and ranted abt all things that bugged him. That made me wonder if the village tank was the blog of the 1980s. Everyday people would get up on the tank and shout out views and thoughts. Villagers would have their blogrolls:

"10 o clock means that Ravinder would speak on the tank! I like his views on women. He is very funny!" Ravi bhaiya said.

"Yes, his slot gets a lot of hits these days. Especially from the village lasses. I find it repetitive," Bantu spurted.

Bantu was new to tank blogging. He had started a slot on the other side of the village but not too many people visited his slot. He was hoping to comment something nasty abt Ravinder today. But then Ravinder has been very strict with his commenting policies of late. He had to. Too many people were spamming his comment slot by advertising their poultry. So now they have to run their comments with Ravinder first. Some people said that the reason for Bantu's anger against Ravinder stemmed from the fact that Banno, the village babe, regularly commented on Ravinder's slot - in spite of Bantu being a regular commenter on Banno's rants abt the lack of fashion accessories ...

Aaah! The simple times. Aaah! The simple pleasures :)

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