Monday, May 29, 2006

Wake up, the youth of India! 

I can see my writing maturing. Look at my previous post. I discussed the burning issue of reservation. And with this post I'm going to pass on invaluable advice to the youth of India again. Such a priceless source of information this blog has become. Wah wah! The blog is indeed doing its bit for the society and the matured me is so happy for that. Wah wah to that again!

This post was conceived while spending (or is the term wasting?) hard earned money on this monstrosity called Fanaa. Dashing hero (albeit evidently old and overweight) jumps from the top of a bus and serenades blind girl. I could sense young somethings in the audience renewing their faith in dream love stories that begin like magic. But the fact is that this only happens in blissful celluloid love stories. The same ones where the heroine can run in ice capped hills wearing nothing more than a chiffon saree and still not catch a cold. Chances are high (tending to certainty) that you'll never find love in a bus. Or in a train (where some girl's undergarment mysteriously make its way below your suitcase). Or in any form of transportation for that matter. The Hindi movies are feeding you crap and this post is dedicated to break certain myths of Hindi movies for the youth of India.

* You will meet your love in a moving vehicle (repeating point already made earlier to increase size of this post): NO YOU WILL NOT!! No one knows this more than I do. Every time I board a plane I fancy a Pooja Bhatt next to me ala DHKMN. But no - it is always the old lady who is hard of hearing and likes to make conversation in alien language that finds me. Now I know that some of you freaks are hoping that this too can be the start of a love story but alas, I don't swing that way. So remember, public transport is for travelling only. You can search for discarded magazines and half eaten oranges in them but if you're indeed searching for love in it - then you my friend are more blind than Kajol of Fanaa.

* A sleek car will stop in front of you in the first day of college. The door will open and a long pair of mini-skirt wrapped legs will peek out of it. Yeah sure! I've always wondered which Indian college this scene happens in. I guess it is the same one where everybody wears color matched fluorescent clothes. Let's be realistic here. If a car does stop in front of you and the doors do open on the first day of college, you are likely to see a girl in a salwar kameez with her mom giving her precious "first day in college advice". If you go to an engineering college (like moi did) then most attractive women there are in need of help because they are probably travellers who got lost. In which case you should promptly go and find out where they actually want to go and send them there. And ladies, you be careful too. Don't think that you'll be greeted by a hunky man in sleeveless Ts who will dance for you at the drop of a hat. Your dream prince, in all likelihood, will be wearing a loose T shirt to hide his growing belly; will obnoxiously stare at any form of cleavage while talking to you; and will keep gauging how tight your pants are and if he can ever get into them!! So there, myth number two - that of finding love in first day of college - is a myth too.

* There is a happy family where everyone sings and dances and wears a lot of make up and jewelry. Yes, that family actually does exist. And they are called the Barjatiyas. But the chances are that you are not one of them. You are probably a Kumar or an Iyenger or a Singh or maybe even a Nandy. You always blame your dad for shouting at you when you didn't study. Sometimes your dad shouts at you even when you do study. You secretly harbour the desire to have parents who maintain the steady ambiance of a wedding party in their house. A house, where everyone except for that one evil distant aunt played by Bindu, is nice and singy-songy. Too bad dude, that aint gonna happen. So when your old man threatens to stop paying your college bills, don't wish that Alok Nath was your dad, coz I'm pretty darn sure that he does the same thing to his kid too.

* The hero(ine) magically returns in the second half of the story. Nopey dopey. If they are gone, the chances are high that they are INDEED gone. Don't think that things will be any different two emotional songs later. Coz while you'll be busy rendering ballads s(he) will be putting up his/her profile on MarryMe dot com and the only time they'll probably return is to invite your for their marriage (where Alok Nath and his family will sing and dance). So stop waiting and use that time wisely to watch more Hindi movies.

* Someone very rich will marry you just for love. Ha ha! This one is a personal favorite of many of my friends who see marriage as a career option. Please read carefully. If some girl/guy who is much richer than you are, is agreeing to marry you inspite of you being a pathetic loser, then there is Definitely something wrong. For all your know she might be a he. Or he might be a she. Or he or she might be a schizophrenic psychopath. So if you are planning to make a career out of marriage, GET OVER IT!!!

There. $22.38 worth of free advice given away in single post. Wah Sagnik. Wah! Keep up the good work in educating the country's youth!

Looks like everyone is busy implementing it :)
yeah, and no one sings and dances in the college halls/cafeteria.
Haha! You're good, man! Especially like the "travel partner" and "engineering college" parts!
@ratna - oops! dint get the context :(( - implementing what madam ji?

@chary - well somtimes you dont even have a college cafeteria and rely on the neighborhood food shop!

@arnold - thanks man :)

You burst my bubble of joy...destroyed the pretty world I lived in...and refuted the teachings Bollywood that I worshipped! :P

So where does one "really" find love? ;)
shooper man... you just have broken all the myths... now i have been unblindfolded...

did you purposefully keep away from "the guy can fight 16 different villians to save his lady" and then "pyaar ho gaya" wala issue?

rocking post man
u too saw fanaa, Ah i get such sadistic pleasure from knowing that there are others who have been tortured too :)

Great post, hilarious as usual.
my bad: *teachings Of Bollywood!*
So I am supposed to believe this? And if I try to jump off a cliff, no handsome hunk will slap me across the face to bring me back from the stupor and save my life, and then fall in love with a mentally unbalanced person who was trying to kill herself?


Good thing I never tried it. All movies should have a disclaimer:
Don't try this at home, or otherwise...!

Great stuff, still awaiting your version of my post (Top 10 ways...)!

The biggest advantage of Fanaa - it fanaa'd my desire to watch any movies for a while!
so these r all myths??? oh come on! i was relying on such instances to get a handsome guy as a bf!;)...now u destroyed everything...it feels like i fell down 4m the 10th floor of a building :D:D...

n btw u forgot the temple which is considered by many as one of the biggest source of finding a homely yet pretty n hot girl!
Implementing "There. $22.38 worth of free advice given away in single post" :) usually, I am not the first to post a comment, so thought everyone is busy imple...
Wah. Here. Pat on your back from me too for your efforts for youth education.
@iyer - come on, guy fighting 16 villains is pretty common - i have done it many times :D

@kusum - i have a very low yardstick for movies. so i see everything :( and thank you for the kind words :)

@iksha - i like to think of it as general teachings - the very educational types - Bollywood is just a dimension :))

@qs-ji - these days hero has become very dynamic - he let's heroine jump from hill and then chases her with parachute (done using cheap second tier graphics) and cathes her seconds away from the ground - hi tech fi tech and all that :)

@xyz - oh no - dont give up hope - if you want to find guys just look around you in the movie theatres - there is a desperate single man in every corner i tell you :D

@ratna - ahaa! now i get it :) my bad my bad :)

@shreemoyee - thank you for appreciating my noble attempts at spreading social good :)
sheesh! i dont want a desperate guy man...all i expect is a guy who kooks like hrithik or abhishek bachan who is NOT a despo n who is not on the lookout for girls...he shud just happen to see me for a second in a train or in coll or mabbe at a wedding n immediately feel tat 'i m the girl' for him n fall madly in love with me :D...
P.S. I m always a girl of less expectations u see! ;);)
I can't believe this. I am so upset right now. All this while I have been waiting for someone to grab my dupatta and persistently chase me aruond that one college and sing songs about my "guroor" and now you tell me this doesn't happen.

I just...I don't even know what to say.
Hi Sgnik...you really crack me up man!
Your blog has become my pre-sleep reading :)
Keep posting more and more hillarious posts and spread laughter along.
Also, the comments to the posts are no less. Seems like all like-humoured janata flock here...cool!
Quite an eye-opener of a post,that one!;)
@xyz - ahaa, the classic meet in the wedding and sing and dance and have another wedding thing :D very romantic - yet another dream of mine - sadly no one calls me for their weddings :((

@brown-magic - yes, dupatta is passe woman - the modern day hero wants his lady wearing mini-skirt and what not - with dupatta on hero will probably say "behenji sambhalkey chaliye" :( many of the classic celluloid love moments can't even be done these days :(

@tweety - well thank you very much from my side and from my commenters as well (which now includes you :D )

@garima - yes, this blog is meant to make people see things that they otherwise wouldn't or shouldn't
I was rather counting on the rich dude too dumb to see through my gold-digger act thing. Kintu shojhyo hobe keno? Nijer kopale heiress jote ni kina. Jotto hingshuter dol :P Shobar shaamne bole dilo.
Now how will I find the billfolder of my life. And it's ALL your fault.
bang on the target man. Every time i board a plane i hope for a dil chahta hai or a hum tum to happen but nope thats not the case. Its alwas an old lady. So share the same feeling with ya
@rimi - i apologise - my next kolkata trip we will all go man hunting for you - dil se!

@chinmay - i know. add ddlj, dil hai ke manta nahin, patthar ke phool .... to the list!
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