Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Can't think of a title ... hence this post shall be called Popu! 

I know a post on marriage from an unmarried guy sounds strange, but trust me that marriage is in my genes - coz both my parents are married.

The weekend was very well spent. For starters this (and this) happened. Eeee Haw to that! Quite a few old friends from San Diego were revisited and moi also attended the big man V's pre-wedding party. The party was a truck load of fun with V getting bombarded by various questions concerning pre-marriage jitters. Now everyone knows that I'm a very good friend (ahem ahem). So, as a good friend, I gave V a very interesting preview of what I thought his married life will be like. And given that most of the readers of my blog are people who are married and use my blog as a one-stop resource for marital bliss, I thought I should share some of the weekend's invaluable words of wisdom here.

One of the first things V should do, I feel, is take his wife for a surprise shopping trip just after she arrives in US. Now I know what many of you are thinking - why is Sagnik sounding like a nice person suddenly? Simple answer - coz I AM very nice. So all you desi guys who bring your wives to US for the first time - please take them shopping soon - but but but, TAKE THEM TO ROSS. That's the key. It is important that you set the bar really low. You try to impress her with a trip to Macy's and you my friend are inviting a Looooooot of trouble. Coz the next time when you take here to Macy's after a fight, she'll be like "Hoooh! Whatever!" So take her to Ross and tell her it is a biiiiiig brand here. She'll probably ask you why then does their tagline reads "Dress for less" and the trick is to tell her that it actually means "Dressing for a lesser, and hence, more elite group." Someday this tip will save you a lot of money my friend and when your eldest child goes to college, you can thank me for the money I saved you towards his/her education.

If you are working and your wife is not in US, then the chances are high that you'll occasionally (changing soon to frequently) get a phone call at 5 in the evening. Your darling will start of by saying "Hi!!! What are you doing? Nothing. I just called to say Hi. I love you and miss you." The big thing to learn here is to NOT think that this is a general phone call. The actual translation of this phone call is "Why are you still at work? I am feeling sooooooo bored. You better come home fast." So never reply to this call with a nonchalant "I miss you too. See you at eight." coz then my friend you will be screwed (or maybe you never will be ... hmmm).

You'll often get underhand questions that'll sound like simple pursuits for knowledge but in reality they are anything but that. Things like "How much does a Mercedes cost?", "Have you ever been on a cruise?", "Is Hawaii very different from California?" and "How much does a two bedroom house cost?" should never be answered. Learn to dodge them skillfully with a "Oh! shi!t. I have to make a very important phone call. I'll be back in a sec." Coz what these questions really mean are "Why don't you sell your jalopy and buy a cool car?", "Let's go on a cruise", "We are going to Hawaii for the long weekend" and "It's time to call the realtor." So don't tell me that I didn't warn you.

There are several other rules to follow. Many of which have been taught to me by my dad. Some that come to mind are:

* Never criticize her cooking. Cooking to women is like sex to men. Even if they suck at it - they never want to know that piece of info. So, according to Bubin, the right way to criticize cooking is to actually praise it. "Hmmmm! I like the fact that you have put a lot of salt in the rasgullas. Very different. Hmmmm! Very different." This way you get the message across and make sure that even if things are a lil too salty, you at least don't make them bitter.

* Never praise a friend's wife. "Don't you think Raj's wife looked gorgeous in that red top?" That statement is a disaster. Coz it'll be instantly followed by "Then why didn't you marry her only?" Face it, Raj is married and so is his wife and even if his wife looks well red, you don't have to read into it.

* And the GOLDEN RULE - she NEVER NEVER NEVER gets fat. Even if your double bed has no space for you to sit on - it is never her fault. If you want to tell her that she has put on weight - you might as well contact your divorce attorney before that - the rule is simple - weight and watch my friend!

Gotta run now (actually it's more like a leisurely stroll). Peace!

I am glad to see some men who have got the rules right :)

Both you parents are married?? By any chance are they married to each other?
A Professor had once told me that one can have a very happy married life if he remembers 2 important rules:

1. She is always right
2. You are always sorry

Good post :)
Hey congrats again Sagnik! You look good in the academic attire.
And I agree somewhat with you on the points you make here. esp the one about praising someone else's wife. You see females are jealous by nature and hate having their hubby find another woman attractive or more efficient. It is fine as long as the praise is tepid. A small word for the other female's prowess can be tolerated. But anything more enthusiastic will surely be met with venom. 'Tis but natural.
Good to see you have already acquired your second doctorate in marital rules.
@kusum - i can't tell you who my parents are married to - i hope you will respect my privacy :D

@nirav - 3. when in doubt go back to rule 1 :))

@m - thank you thank you :) but surprisingly women love praising other people's husband - na? "Reena's husband is such a gentleman. he always holds the door for her" and what not :((
Aaargh!!! I hate this privacy issues some blogger have, either you bare it all or you remain in the closet. what this thing about thora dikhao thora chupao!
Bloggers i meant :)
Here are a few more questions that should be avoided at all costs:
1. Do you think I should change my hairstyle : If u say "Sure, go ahead" your answer will get u a "Why ? Dont u like the one i have" ... to which u will reply "Of course I do" and she will then say "Then why do u want me to change it ?"
2. Am I still good looking ?
Do u see any options ...if u say "yes..beautiful" you get "then why do u gawk at all the models on TV" and if u say something like "well....actually...u look tired and maybe just a wee bit run down.." you dont need me to tell u the consequences.
Cheers !
Sagnik, you're looking puro mafia boss type! :D

Congratulations, by the way. :)
lol! gud post!
but then a few things the women shudnt tell her guy

1.) never tell ur hubby abt the male friends u have...the guy can think only of 2 things hearing this
a.) so she had sooo many bfs
b.) get jealous tat his wife has more no of friends in the opposite sex than he does.

2.) never pinpoint that u earn more than him. tat makes his ego break down into pieces and what follows is either an 'emotional or trumpet blowing or threatening or fiery" reply which at the end has only one moral 'whatever! i m still the better one among us two'
Congrtulations on your graduation Dr.Nandy!
Congratulations doctor dada :)
Oh cmon man those pics are totally out of sync with ur image, you should have tripped and taken out your dean or something :)
Btw unless u never plan to kick the bucket on ur bachelor life (and chances have greatly diminished after this post) you have kinda dug the grave on ur married life (damn why does this sound even worse now that I see this idea in words :) )
Dr. Nandy - Congaratulations - a great feat accomplished - you almost look like you are serious nerdy doctor types!

I hate to break the news to you - but you are in serious trouble. No, not because of the post, but because you think any of these ploys will actually work!!! tch tch....if you really believe this, dude, you got another thing coming!!! :))

Very very funny, indeed!
@kusum - whatever you think I will not tell you who my parents are married to - that's it!

@ramesh - very very nice sir. very nice :D

@telsy - thank you :)

@xyz - one sec, lemme repeat the question i have asked you so many times - why exactly dont you blog?????

@shiwali (very uncommon name) - thank you :)

@indro - thank you sir :)

@rohan - yeah! i know - no marriage for me - your blog is my only hope now :D

@qs - sh!t, even these ideas don't work??? what should i do now?
Sagnik: Well, you could try these and see where they get you, or you could read my response to it and see if you can find a way to stay a step ahead...! The inevitable though: women rule! :)
amazing!!! just amazing!!!

almost fell off the chair laughing... with all me office colleagues looking on...

he he... (Still laughing... salty roshogollas... amazing!!!)

Love, laughter n keep the Faith

oh, and by the way, congrats dada... a doctorate is as a doctorate does...

its made ur writing wittier and crazier than before!!!

Love, laughter n keep the Faith

Congrats Sagnik...now you have a degree to back up you gender-research posts!

dear Doc,

This is my first time visit at your blogspace. Point one, you look good.

Point two, you are totally ignorant of marital bliss and woes. The point is that, all these tips would work fine, if implemented, but at the same time, she would have devised her share of "tricks" to handle her "wood-head" man. Eventually this "nice" game of fooling each other would blow on your face.

I have read a zillion forwards something in the same lines...

Ok I sound like an auntiji - not that I amnt one :-)

If this was truly an original thought - indeed a Good Post :-) {iamtrulynotsarcastic!}
Greetings .. Doc! You just blew your cover, though.

You need to research a wider sample for your second degree in gender studies, but you're getting there.

Coming back here any time soon?

The most important underlying rule is...Lie. Most healthy marriages are built on a foundation of lies like -"You are not fat", "I don't hate your mother", "I love going shopping with you"...
Siiiigh...hate to say this, but you are so right about the cooking bit, I need to be told how wonderful the food tastes every 5 seconds..tchah..how insecure of me :(

PS:Congrats on your graduation. But..erm...you look a leeetle bit sinister in the 1st photograph :P
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
That was hilarious and true in some ways....good work!!

But here are some Pointer's TO women who are getting married.These are things men will never appriciate if you do but will miss nevertheless.Let them miss it and then you give it.(pun intended!!)

1.Never call your Guy anytime he is at work or anything related to work and wait and watch when he calls ti chk on you..tsk tsk!!

2.Never go shopping with Guys. One cos they suck at it and two cos you will never be able to use that credit card really well!! And hey what are girl friends for anyways!!

3.If you are in US make sure you form a nice friends circle preferably with other wives and take off just like that on weekdays and come back late (read after your guy comes home)occasionally in all smiles and sorries just to give him a taste of what sitting at home waiting is all about...in a sweet and smiling manner.

4.Try compliementsing your hubby's friends to your hubby....most of them will look better than yours and will treat you nicer...i am sure....cos the grass is always greener!!

5. Cooking is a special treat which has to outsourced to your ever so loving hubby at times. PMS is a very good weapon!!use it!!

6. If sex to men is like cooking for us....weild it wisely and nicely to meet your ends!!

"women love praising other people's husband " uh-oh that's a no-no too. It works both ways. So there are rules women learn too :)
Not even if i tell you about my parents, my brothers parents, and my neighbours parents too ?

LOL ok ok i give up, I think I will have to come to terms with your privacy issues HUH!
heyyy just saw those links in this post...congrats on ur graduation...Congratulations n celebrations!!!:)n yeah ill start a blog soon but then i need the assurance tat ull comment to the posts there coz wats a bigger honour than hving a doctrate commenting to my posts:):)...n if possi do bring in ur commentators along with u too(u see extra publicity never hurts) ;)...if u r ok with this deal then i wud be more than glad to start a blog...wat say?:):)
Bad call dude even I dont pin my hopes on my blog ;)
@qs - oh i will try them both and write another excruciatingly long post on the outcome of the experiment :)

@junior - which is why you should always read my blog while sitting on the ground - how many times have i told you this?

@aparna - why is everyone saying that - why??

@rushes - the moment i read you find me good looking i started jumping in joy and dint read the rest of the comments -so thank you for whatever you said :))

@jap - thanks. no plans right now - maybe over winter sir.

@rohini - honestly, you have to lie :)

@ron - and that was the best photograph of the lot - in all the remaining ones i looked sleepy :((

@anon - wow! this is truly brilliant - wicked but brilliant !!!

@kusum - ok ok! i give up - i will tell you the truth - my mom is married to my dad - happy??

@xyz - absolutely. the day you start a blog you will find me commenting diligently on it - starting with the hi hello type comments and then finally becoming lurky creepy guy type too - and btw, you can just take the comments you have posted here and make a blog out of it :D

@rohan - alas!!
Congratulations! :-)

But I don't think your first ploy will ever work. All Indian women watch American TV these days and we know what is expensive and what is not. :-)
Congratulations! Any accomplishment deserves a praise, whether you know the person or not. Have no clue how I stumbled accross your blog, but if you think men are smart, women are smarter!;) Good luck, if it works!:)
i enjoyed reading your blog as well as all the comments...it was pretty entertaining :)
@janani - oooops! we need a bigger change then - and i say it starts of with changing the TV shows that we get in India :D

@duhita (very nice name - what does it mean?) - thanks :)

@risha - thank you too :)
That was funny. Nice insight by the way.
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