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Sunday, July 23, 2006

Languages I don't speak 

The venue was a downtown Mountain View restaurant; three beautiful women and two men nobody cared for were waiting for their food. It happened then ... One of the girls nodded her head slightly to the side and raised both her eyebrows. One of the eye balls did a quick sideways move. The other girl brought her chin close to her neck and closed her eyes in unison. Then both the girls smiled. The first girl then went on to do some more eye rolling with the second girl nodding her head and raising only one eye brow. I watched in awe - a conversation was taking place right below my nose (actually it was more like in front of my nose) and I had no clue whatsoever. I have studied cryptography and encryption but here were two women using a form of communication that kept me completely clueless. Later, next day, I was told that the conversation between the two women went something like this:

A: What's the deal with this guy?
B: Shhhhh!
A: No seriously! Are you interested?
B: Shhhh! I'll tell you later.
A: Ha ha!

Amazing. A few eye movements, well planned eye brow raises and opportune giggles and so many words were conveyed. French, German, Spannish and now this language ... the list of languages that I don't speak seems to be ever increasing. However, this was what I like to call a Social Language. One that no school teaches - one that people just learn. Very similar to the Nouveau Lover's Language.

Seriously! Haven't you seen new lovers exchange jumbled mumbles which no one else can hear or decipher but still they manage to bring a smile on both their faces. A lot of times they even turn their heads in opposite directions. The guy might even cover his lips with his fingers, gently moving the fingers to let out enough whispers. You can see small movements of his lips hinting at the words being spoken. "Hmmmm! Phishh whisshhh. Hmmm nnaaaaa beautiful," you hear. You could vouch that no other words were spoken and the girl still smiled like she was given a day's worth of free shopping money. Sometimes there will be a few elbow pushes and below the table footsie steps to assist the whispers. I've tried doing similar things when I was in love many eons back, when I tried to smile and whisper too. "You ate too much. I'm not paying for both of us. Now shell out some money," I've tried whispering. I even tried the whole elbow thing to get hold of her purse. Somehow the girl in question refused to understand what I said. To add salt to the injury she even moved her bag to the other side. And then when I tried to call her later she played hard to get by not answering my calls. And finally to teach me a lesson she married another guy. Aaaarghh! Another language that I do not speak.

And these are just two of the several social languages that I've failed to comprehend. Another classic one is the whole garbling thing adults do with children. All I hear is "Guju buju Hooochoo Poochooo. Ujee baba. Coochie Coochie." The kid smiles and glees and blows out spit bubbles and everybody is happy. I am always surprised by this. If kids anyway don't speak the language, how does it matter what gibberish I say. So I might as well just speak in English and make funny faces - right? Why is it that important to make all the funny sounds accompanying those faces. Why can't I just say "Oh you fat baby pooping all day. I hate the way you keep me up all night ..." Why can't people say that? Why do they have to make funny sounds?

So many things that I do not understand. Hmmmmm!

On an unrelated note and adding on to the previous post, this office conversation merits a mention.

P and I were playing foosball (we are both very good at it) and one of the guys was broken. Another friend mentioned that he will spread the word that a white 5 ft 11 guy and Indian guy broke the player. All of us smiled. "You know what the newspapers will say, right?" I told P. "What?" he asked. "The Five Eleven guy and Seven Eleven guy breaks foosball players." Aaaaarghh! Double Aaaaargh!

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Comments:
Ahem, first! :)

Now that language, my dear ignorant friend is universal, and women can communicate with each other no matter what our nationality / language! :) And you guys are not supposed to get it! get it?

Have to give your ex credit for totally ignoring the "shell-money-signs"... some of us are not that smart! :))

HA HA HA on seven eleven and five eleven - too funny! :)
 
Just heard the podcasts - believe me she heard "honey honey honey" and NOT money money money! too funny!
 
I please guilty to the coochie coo talk. I only do it with my son and I have no idea why. Must be some sort of primal instinct...
 
hmmm! it shud rather be 'languages i can never ever speak' :D...coz we girls hv tat inborn talent in us which u guyz cant even dream of acquiring! :D
 
@qs - the only male analogy that i can think of is the lecherous gaze that men give and glances they exchange when a woman passes by - sadly, that language is easily understood by the women kind who often even resiprocate with a slap on the cheeks :((

@rohini - oh come on! everything is fine for your kid :D

@xyz - so what makes you so sure that i am not a woman posing as a man - ha?
 
Good one... :) .. Don't know why people talk like that to kids - just instict, i guess.
 
Hain. Kintu. Why are the women in your stories individuals who speak in primitive underdeveloped languages and garner the sole ambition of rendering their boyfriends penniless so they can go and shop? Oshobhyota egulo.
If they weren't so bloody expensive, I'd place a burnt bra at your doorstep in protest.
 
"And finally to teach me a lesson she married another guy." This was too much :))
 
@swapna - i always dreamt of a kid who would just snub an adult and reply back saying "i am th eone who is two dude not you ..."

@rainbeau - now you almost make that sound as an interesting proposition :D

@m - which part of my sordid love tale did you find funny - huh???? :(
 
oh you just tried to make a bee-line for her purse?? i went a step further and gave her a bill which amounted to atleast 1000 usd. Somehow seeing the bill she went on a cribbing spree in a language that i understood really well.
 
the going and marrying someone else to teach you a lesson part :))
 
the eyebrow language is the tip of the iceberg boy...we are just a more evolved sex.

and when you do catch up, it is like with windows3.0 or something. we've moved on... :)
 
lol! Great post as always! :-)
 
@jhantu - boss you have upped me and I am proud of it :D

@m - making fun of baccho ka love life and financial situation? is that what ppl taught you - tell me tell me?

@gratis - :D very well said. and not even Windows 3.0 - we are more like calculators :(

@janani - thank you good lady :)
 
great post... but y im commentting is because of one of the replys u posted on one of the comments....

"so what makes you so sure that i am not a woman posing as a man - ha? "

that indeed is a dangerous territory.
but let me save u.
1) i have seen u...
2) tho u may pass for being half way metrosexual.....lets say u must have spent a shitload of money to have a hormonal therapy to be a woman posing as a man...
3) be very careful with what u say man.... :D
 
! i thought everyone could do it too!! i do it all the time... i guess your face has to be "in shape" lol.........
but yeah its the most effective way to convey a message and not get caught!!!

its so much fun too!! but you have to only do it with someone who KNOWS your "facial messaging system"
 
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