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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

And now you are Pissed Off!! 

Ok! A word to the few women who read this blog - you'll probably NEVER come back to read it again. I'll miss you all. And just to let you know - this post is not supposed to be gross AND you can ask your male friends that.

I've been wanting to write on this topic for a while now, but it's just that work and other stuff kept me busy. I wanted to write abt the phenomenal tension in a men's urinal. Seriously! I've never been to lady's urinal BUT from what the ladies tell me, it's supposed to be well compartmentalized; a place where individuals get the privacy they need; a place that I believe even plays host to some very interesting conversations. In contrast, men's urinals are a very disturbing area. Read on!

For starters, men have to stand and get their business done. So this is what you do. You face a wall and wait and wait ... and then you get done and then you run (not before washing your hands though). This period, when you face the wall and do your stuff is nerve wrecking. You have to either look at the wall or look down. Now obviously it's better to look into the wall. But I don't have to explain that, if you do this pretty regularly, it gets quite monotonous. Come on, you can't just look at the wall and not think of anything. Every man, I believe, has his special bathroom thought. My thoughts normally include tunes of songs (not Hawa Hawa) or finding patterns in the tiles of the walls. I'd be happy (actually NO) to know what other people think abt.

The next big thing is to avoid any kind of eye contact. Any kind. As men, we are taught to think that nobody else is in the bathroom when we are finishing business. Unlike women, we don't socialize in the toilet. It's never "Hey man, what are you doing here?" for us. However, every now and then, the moment gets the better of you. You hear the new entrant enter and you give a quick look. Under normal circumstances, the new entrant too is careful to not make any eye contact. BUT on a highly chance driven instance - EYES DO MEET! And then ladies and gentleman, you get the most awkward smile exchange ever!

The final thing that I wanna discuss on this issue, is what many might consider gross BUT I have to say it - it's the peeing sound. Some are noisy pee-ers, others like to be discreet. Yet others are situation driven i.e. when left alone they go on a roll BUT in the company of others they learn to control the volume. What is really disturbing is when two people land up next to each other, in an otherwise silent zone, and the only sound they hear is ... you know what. Can you imagine the amount of judging that can go on? "Is the other guy thinking that I'm too loud?" ... "Man! He is soo loud. Does he have no control?" "Wow! He is really quiet!" ... and the likes.

There's so much more that can be discussed on this topic ... but I don't want to piss you off any more :)

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Where have they gone? 

I have this habit that can best termed as "one song for the moment". In simpler words, at any given instant there's this one song that I'm obsessed with and repeatedly (and by repeatedly I mean 20-30 times) play that song. My college scrap book mentions this, my ex apartment mates faced the brunt of this and ex-girl friends used this habit to further justify their ex status. All in all, not a habit that has gone down well with too many people I must say. Yanyway, my current obsession is Khoon Chala from Rang De Basanti (which I felt rocked). However, till five days back another song had held this coveted position and that song, dear friends, was ... Hawa Hawa.

Yup! Judge me. Call me crass. You can even call me crass. Or if it pleases your desires - call me crass BUT the fact remains that this song has very fond memories associated with it and when I saw (or heard) it in a remixed form I JUST COULDN'T RESIST it :)

This blog has mainly two age groups of readers - one, who can be called my peers and the other, that I like to call "blog toddlers". While the latter group ridicules me for this post, let me take the former for a ride down memory lane ...

It was the mid 80s. TV had one channel - a time that I like to describe as "jab cable ek channel tha". It was the age before the Ekta Kapurs. When Buniyad ruled. When Ramayan and Mahabharat defined Sunday mornings. When Chitrahar defined Wednesday evenings. The generation that I just described as "my peer" will remember the impact Chitrahar had those days. It was the only form of video advertisements movies got and the "first song spot" of Chitrahar was a coveted spot. Hawa Hawa was one such song. The movie was a dismal footage called Don 2 but this Hassan Jehangir number rocked the nation. So huge was the success of the song that they had released an English album in India using the tunes of some of the songs (the lyrics for the Hawa Hawa tune went ... feeling dizzy uneasy don't let me down today ... feeling funny oh honey ..."). Every roadside shop in Kolkata played this song and at least ten Bollywood songs got "inspired" by this tune.

However, there was something else abt this song that lacks in songs these days. This was a song that could only be sung in a rowdy non musical way. If you are reading this post alone, let your musical talents flow for a second. Try singing "hawa hawa" like a ballad and you'll fail miserably. A dear friend recently tried to croon this number in a lovely voice and realized that this is a rare song that is sung best by the crass - and I miss that trend in current songs. I miss the fact that "crass hit" songs are fast diminishing. Where have the Hawa Hawa and Oye Oyes gone? Why isn't Altaf Raja singing Tumto Thehre Pardesi anymore? What happened to Anand Milind and there "one hot song per movie" regimen? What happened to these songs?

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind ... or if I may say - in the hawa hawa ...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Doesn't even make sense 

* I once met a self loathing narcissist.

* The couple divorced because he believed he was better than his better half.

* I am tired of telling you that I hate repeating myself.

* My dad forced me to believe that restraint was a good option.

* He was quite optimistic abt his chances of failure.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

IYKWIM 

Now this is an expression that I use a lot myself and I just realized that it is completely useless. The expression being "... blah blah blah (pause) if you know what I mean". Yup! I feel that "if you know what I mean?" is right up there in the list of rhetorical useless expressions along with the likes of "You won't believe who I saw the other day (coz once they tell you who the person is, they don't expect you to doubt their honesty)" and "Guess who I saw the other day (where you are never given a chance to guess a few responses)".

For starters, nobody ever says "if you know what I mean" and expect a NO for an answer. Seriously, have you ever heard anybody say No to this question? Try imagining this conversation:

"She surely didn't fall for his charm. She very well knows that she can BANK on him ... if you know what I mean .."

"No, I don't."

"As in BANK on him. A pun because ..."

"No I don't understand ..."

Nay! That never happens. This phrase is to a conversation, what extra tobasco sauce is to a Mexican meal i.e. the food was already spicy and even if you didn't add the sauce the zing would've still been there. I tried thinking back where, when and how I picked up this expression, and strange visuals seem to come to my mind. I somehow imagine a young girl saying this line and adding an elaborate wink to it (I wish I could show it to you guys). I'm pretty sure that no such thing ever happened for the simple reason that my personality hassn't ever evoked the interest of young winking women. But still, I'm indeed confused by the origin of this habit. So if any of you folks know me in person, feel free to snub me the next time you hear me say something like, "He wears such short shorts that you BARELY (accompanied with air quotes) notice him ... if you know what I mean ..." feel free to snub me.

Peace!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

One Two - cha cha cha! 

Guess who joined a samba class?

Ok! Given that it's My blog, and the tone of that question was purely rhetorical, I'd say it wasn't much of a question. Hmmmm!

Now, I've taken dance lessons in the past as well. What was it??? Hmmmm! Yess, ballroom dancing. I remember almost killing a few people with my "one-two-three, one-two-three" movements. The instructor used to make us switch partners every two minutes and the expressions on the face of the women who would get the chance to be my partner was click-worthy.

They would greet me with a nervous "Hi" and wait impatiently for the two minutes to get over. They would then say the most jubilant "Bye, see you". It was funny. I always imagined the conversations they had after I left them.

"Are you OK? Did he squash your feet too?" one of them would probably ask.

"Not just the feet. He almost broke my waist. Have you seen the way he turns? Wooof!"

Then one fine day the instructor told us that the way to position your palm on the girl's back is to place it just below her bra strap. Can you imagine how scared I was that day? Given the amount I fumbled while dancing, one false move and I would have been termed a perv. To cut a long story short, I left the ballroom dancing classes mid-way. The girls probably threw a party and celebrated in what better way but by dancing :)

So why then, you may ask, did I enroll for samba classes now. Simply coz I think it'll be fun. I've already realized, after the first day of class, that samba is much easier than ballroom dancing ... for the one simple reason - that it's ten times more difficult. Yes, the dichotomy is the answer, Watson. The dichotomy IS the answer. Ballroom dancing is a much a simpler art form (or so I think). There I was the only idiot who didn't know how to dance. Everybody else appeared like Vanilla Ice on roller skates in front of me. My inability would get easily noticed and doubly magnified.

BUT now it's different. Half the people in my samba class (and that half includes me) had no idea of what's going on. Some of the moves the instructor did were humanly impossible. I'm not kidding, but for a second out there, we thought that she had three butt cheeks - and that's freakishly fast dancing people. So half the class would try to mimic her and fail miserably. I can easily be in the better half of the class by the virtue of not dancing and just standing still. I even had people in the first class who were trying to copy my moves for the simple reason that they were easier :)) Yeaaaaah!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Phir Bhi Dil Hai ... 

It's fun explaining abt India and Indians to non Indians.

"The Indian accent that they depict in international movies is exaggerated," I told a non Indian friend of mine. I even did a little imitation of the accent we Indians are supposed to have. "The overall Indian accent can be broadly divided into the North and South Indian accents. And neither sounds like this!"

The conversation then went on to how I'm part Bangladeshi (or Bangal for the Bengalis) and how that's a very common thing in West Bengal. Details were given as to how the Bengali spoken in Bangladesh is quite different from the one we speak in India.

"So how well reached are the Bengalis?" he asked me.

"Naaaah! Not as well reached as the Gujratis and Punjabis I'd say."

"What do you mean?"

"For example, if you mess with a Gujrati here - that's it. You can be shunned from all the motels here :)" I joked.

"What abt the Punjabis?" he asked.

"Well, then no Seven Elevens for you. And you can also say goodbye to all the curry food you like."

"What abt people from down South?"

"Then you can wish a software career good bye my friend," I warned him.

"And what abt Bengalis? What if I mess with them?"

"Well ... I might stop talking to you ... and ... naaaah! That's pretty much it."

Monday, January 16, 2006

Shout out! 

New apartment for yourself - $$$
TV for the apartment - $$$
Furniture and kitchenware - $$$
Internet connection and cable - $$$
Using that internet to finally write a blog post - priceless??? Naaaah!


Yanyway! Time to blog again. There are lots of things that I wanna blog abt. For starters, my ordeal of setting up a "home" (not "house" mind you - *and how cheesy is that*) by myself. But that blog will have to wait coz, before I get back to my standard variety of posts, I have to make a public statement on my blog aimed at my father - Bubin STOP READING my blog. I'd earlier mentioned that my dad knew that "I write on the internet" and now he seems to have found that spot. Terribly pleased by the fact that he can access my blog, Bubin has decided to look into the matter of many of my posts with more than just a discerning eye.

"You mentioned the other day that some girl stole both your wallet and your heart. Is it who I think it is?" he asked me.

Not a very subtle way of letting me know that he has accomplished the not so difficult task of locating my blog. Is it?

"Bubin, that was a joke. I didn't mean it literally. You know that she never quite stole my heart," I protested.

"Heh, heh." I told your mom abt it and we tried guessing who you were talking abt.

Excellent. Now mom knows abt my posts too. I can totally imagine the senior Nandys having their evening laughs at the expense of my inane posts.

"And that T shirt with all those PhD names in it. Who are they?"

"They are part of my PhD tree dad."

"Ok, don't wear that T shirt outside. It might get dirty."

"Bubin, I wasn't planning to wear that outside ..."

"... and between you and me ... was I right abt the stole my wallet and heart person? Heh heh."

"Yikes. Stop iiiiiiiiit!!!"

So Bubin if you are reading this (and I know you are) then don't read my blogs any more. They are not meant for kids and surely not meant for people who had me as a kid. :)

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Call Out! 

Me left San Diego last night
Me will reach Bay Area hopefully tonight
Me will start job hopefully from tomorrow
Me very very excited
Me might be busy and without Internet at home next week
Me might therefore not blog too often next week
Me signing off now
You be good!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Who's the fairest of em all :D 

Ok! How many of you'll agree that there are way too many young single female blogs with phenomenal readership? Ok! You out there have your hand raised. Yes sir, you too. That makes two of you. Ahaa! We have some more hands raised at the back. Brilliant! We have some women agreeing too. I'm sure you must be married madam - or taken - what? You don't blog? I see ... and suddenly we have a fair number of people agreeing to my observation. Good!

There's something very attractive abt these single female bloggers that makes them hot property. Is it the fact that they are single? Does that make them more candid? Or maybe it makes them more desirable? Who knows and who cares. The bottomline is that some of the most popular bloggers that I know are female and are ready to mingle. So I had this idea, just a tiny winy idea ... what say we screw around with their popularity a bit? What say we get the number of comments in their blogs down just a tad bit? What say we just mess around with their ooh laa laa tags for just a few days? Hmmmmmm! Noble thought BUT THE QUESTION IS HOW ...

I suggest that we create this extremely hyped competition and make these popular young things fight it out between themselves. Yesssss! Have the mother (or girl friend) of all battles where the successful female bloggers fight it out on blogosphere.

Well! That was the idea. Now lets study the rationale behind it. Single female blogs are driven by the fuel of attention and I say we raise the gas prices. I've ranted earlier how two of the biggest group of readers of these blogs are (A) other single female bloggers who empathize/sympathize/traumatize with the blogger and (B) men who come and offer the sweetest of words to these women :) I conjecture that if we have enough categories (JUST abt enough though) then we can attack both these groups. We should have some awards like "The best female blogger", "The creepiest male commenter", "The hottest female blogger", "The most dedicated commenter" etc. and that should do the trick.

Just imagine that X and Y are two popular female bloggers and Z is a guy who endlessly comments on both their blogs. Now the moment X beats Y to be the hottest female blogger, the jealousy angle will come to play. Y will reduce her visits to X's blog. "Ever since she got that award she thinks no end of herself," Y will think. Soon X will stop visiting Y's blog too. The next thing that Y will do is secretly keep a count of Z's activity in both the blogs. "That guy!!!! He left two comments in my last post but left three in X's blog," Y will notice. Soon Z will fall down in the list of Y's favorites. The other men will get scared too. A bird in hand is better than two in the bush they say. So why try to impress two female bloggers and upset them both. All these "commenting men" will pick their favorites. Plus the awards like "Creepiest male commenter" will scare a few commenters altogether. Ahaaa! Such a delight it'll be.

P.S. I was discussing this idea with a very popular single female blogger and both of us wondered what such a competition will do to a certain male blogger that I can't name here. I've seen the guy comment in at least TEN different "single female blogs" but not a single married female or male blog. Any guesses who????

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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Mingle Jingle! 

Ok! This idea struck me when I was in Vegas. A Gujarati family and an Asian family walked past me from two sides and I realized that the two languages are so similar. So if you wanna hear how Gujarati will sound like (albeit in my opinion) when mixed with an Asian language - this podcast might just be what you wanna download :) Peace!

Monday, January 02, 2006

The Opinion Zone !!!! 

To start with - A wonderful New Year to all of you. May 2006 be full of joy, love, smiles, happiness and excitement for all of us. Keep reading this part of the web and feel free to send me cash, food, ornaments and spam whenever you want.

Yanyway, I had this most interesting realization sometime last night. I conjecture that it would be wonderful (and most amusing) if people could just listen to what individual couples (or small groups) say as soon as they leave a big social gathering. I'm sure that all of you reading this post must have attended some large social gathering sometime or the other. So read on and you'll understand exactly what I'm trying to say.

Imagine a room with thirty people. You are sitting. X is standing. Y is talking to Z. You bump into A. "That's a lovely shirt," A tells you. "Wow! you have lost a lot of weight," X tells Y as Y's face lights up. Z tells everyone he just landed a new job. Everybody congratulates. The evening goes on and everybody seems to be adhering to perfect harmony. Sounds like a familiar scenario? You can come up with several other such setups. A blogger's meet, farewell parties, dinner treats, college reunions - it doesn't matter what the occasion is - as long as there are enough people who pretend to be all nice and happy and sweet in front of each other the rest of the post will hold true.

All that I'm saying is that it'll be wonderful to overhear what all the "small individual groups that form the moment these gatherings break up" have to say.

"So what did you think abt X's dress?"
"Somebody should buy her a mirror."

"So what did you think abt Z. I don't think he is anything like his blog ..."
"Oh! I found him weird!"

"Do you think A and B make a good couple?"
"I think B looks too old for A?"

"Abt B's job ..."
"Aah! His father must have got him the job ..."

A deluge of these comments bombard the air the moment the gatherings break up. I've seen the tendency in me. I've seen it in my sister and her once teen battalion of friends. I've seen it uncles and aunts. I've seen it in ... All that I'm saying is that in all these gathering we turn restless being nice to people. True emotions, opinions, criticisms, wise-cracks build up like molten lava inside us waiting to be let out and cooled down. And the moment we leave these places of neutral meanderings we search for our own little group where we can let out hours worth of controlled opinions and afterthoughts. Aaah! What a pleasure it would be to hear them all - or would it?

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