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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Now deal with this crap!! 

Yeah baby. Presenting my grossest post everrrrrrr!! Just when you though that you had seen the worst of this blog, I shock you with a new nadir. Never underestimate the depths of inability :)

So go and deal with this crap!

Don't tell me that I didn't warn you :D

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Sunday, August 27, 2006

Friends for evah! 

Male friend groups are boring. Yess! I'm a man (or so I claim) and I'm a desi - so by virtue of these two traits I hang out a lot in "all male groups" and yesssss - WE ARE VERY BORING. There's very little variety in male friend groups. It's the same kind of characters and its the same kind of stuff that we do - there is either the "let's go and watch a movie" or the "wanna go to a bar and get drunk (with the false hope of getting laid)". These two stereotypes sum up all male friend groups. I've been told that there is a growing trend of Friday night poker buddies but that's not specific to the men. So unless I'm educated otherwise I think I don't need to provide any more proof to the boring quotient of maleus friendus.

Women on the other hand have the most amazing friend groups. Every group is different. And the diversity is not just across groups but within the group as well. There are so many unique characters in women friend groups. For example the "wannabe misfit"! She's easy to spot. Every female group has one of them. She's the girl who doesn't quite fit in to the group but always wanted to be a part of them. She is either the non party girl amidst a bunch of party freaks. Or she's the posing geek in a group of academics. She's always there. Go to a club and check out any of the groups of women who are dancing. Four hot women with very little clothes covering very little flesh. And right between them is the overdressed misfit (you can spot her coz she is clearly uncomfortable wearing what she is wearing and is either pulling her top up or skirt down to cover up). She would much rather be at home and watch Wheel of Fortune but NO. She wants to be the party girl and hence she accompanies her friends every week. She tries really hard to fit in. Every time the girls say "let's get drunk" she is the first one to gulp in the peg but BOY SHE HATES IT!! Occasionally she voices her true opinions. "Let's all sit and talk tonight," she would sheepishly suggest. But just then one of the other girls say "There is this really cute DJ playing in Siranos. Let's go there ..." and her voice gets lost is a deluge of affirmative screams.

And with every misfit in the group comes the mastah teacher. The girl who has been there, done that and taken others there too. Yeah yeah! They are easy to spot too. Often they are the reason why the misfits even manage to enter the groups. It's this one (or two) girls who always have some advice to offer. They are an insatiable resource of wisdom. "The secret to a man's heart is to not look at him." "All men are bastards." "I think you should dye your hair red." The teacher always has some advice to offer. And she IS a perfectionist. No matter how hard the misfit apprentice tries - the teacher is never satisfied. "I like what you have done to your hair BUT ... you should probably get a tan," she'll say.

Then there are the two girls who don't get along at all but still hang out in the group together. Hey, I have a sister. I've seen this happen in abundance. X calls Y and finds out that Z is joining them too for dinner. "Aaargh!" X X-claims. "Y does Z have to come?" she adds. "You know what she told W abt me right? She is such a back stabber." Fifteen minutes after the conversation finishes, Z and Y have an identical conversation. And yet X and Z love to hang out. To them the best part of the group is to gather ample things abt each other to bitch abt and take it up with Y. Nice :)

And there are so many others. The girl who always backs out last moment because "something urgent came up". The girl who always talks abt her boy friend who none of the other girls like. The girl who cries easy (even if you tell her that she is looking thin). They are all there. And they are the ones that make the female groups so much fun. Which is why you have Girls Night Outs. Which is why you have Sleepovers. Which is why you have Boyfriend criticism sessions (men never have these coz they are scared that some friend will go and leak the details to the women concerned). So my sincere thanks to the innumerable women friend groups around us - for the sheer variety they provide. And some say that variety is spice. No wonder you gals are so hot!!!!

Peace!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Forgive me oh blog! 

I almost feel like I'm cheating the few remaining dedicated readers of this blog by my prolonged absence. As I sat down to write a new post, I imagined what it would be like if this blog was a woman that I was dating.

"You don't spend any time with me anymore," she'd tell me.

"Baba, you know how busy I've been, right?" I'd say without blinking.

"So what? Are you trying to say that you weren't busy a year back? Even then you worked late in the night. But I never felt neglected. You would always find time to visit me at least once a day. And don't even get me started abt the early phase of our relationship. There were days when you would come and meet me twice ... maybe even surprise me with an occasional third visit. I haven't forgotten anything Sagnik Nandy (I'll never understand why women say the full name when they are angry)"

Deep down I'd know that the blog is right. So I would use every man's solitary defense technique for these moments.

"Hey, it's quality vs. quantity dear. Look at some of the stuff I gave you then. Posts on all sorts of inane topics ... dogs, crap and stick figures, what not ... but now I offer you nothing but the best that I have to offer."

"I don't care," she would cut me short. At this point one can smell the prelude to a tear drop. Now tear drops are super critical in relationships. A single drop of tear can turn the tides. From what was a well placed debate between two individuals would quickly morph into a one sided melodrama. So I try to stop her from saying anything further.

"You know what you mean to me. You stayed by my side when everyone else left me. I remember those days in grad school when I would sit all alone at home waiting to spend some time with you. You were my window to the outside World dear."

"Yess. I know," she would agree instantly. "And now you don't need that window anymore, right? New doors have opened and the window seems too small for you, huh? Don't think that I don't know what is happening!! It's those kiddie blogs of twenty something young girls from Calcutta right? That's what you want to go for now, right? My mature musings are too mundane for you, right? Go. I won't stop you. But remember, some day those blogs will all disappear, and you WILL come back to me. But maybe I won't be waiting for you then. Maybe I'll be with someone else. Maybe No URL LEFT will be a commercial blog offering cheap Rollex watches then. As if you care."

In these tender moments men can do one of two things - continue being rational and prolong the argument OR just accept the fault and make promises so tall that they would make an NBA basketball player look like a dwarf. I speak from experience friends - option one is not the "Sahi Jawab." As tempted as you might be to follow the path of logistics - refrain!

"Ok. Ok. I AM SORRY!"

"I don't want to hear your sorry. Go. Go and create a new blog with fancy sidebars and design templates and spend time with it. (At this point she starts crying profusely and you really want to tell her that glug flowing from the nose to the mouth is not a pleasant sight). Go away. I don't want to see you anymore. I will deactivate comments. That way you will never hear from me or anyone else who cares abt me."

"One chance baby, just one chance," I'll plead. "From now I shall visit you at least twice a week. Irrespective of however much work I have. I'll even reply to every comment that you make. Now forgive your Coochie Pooochie. Come on. You know you like me. We make such a great team. So many people like us. Give me one more chance honey bun*."

And then she smiled; a smile that put several other smiles to shame. And she came and hugged me while wiping her flowing glug on my new shirt.

Seriously, I will be more regular with my blogging from now :)

* Honey Bun (n) - Term meaning "my sweet dough". Was put to use by senseless romantics in the late twentieth century. Was responsible for single handedly reducing the IQ of a generation by 5%.

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