Thursday, February 08, 2007

Shhhhhhhhhhh ... shhh!!! 

Oh a million thanks to the kind woman who recommended the subject of this post. The "famous silent treatment" that women have forever ushered on the male specie. The weapon that can penetrate hearts that even generous bottles of free alcohol couldn't. The weapon that my grand mom used effectively and passed on to my mom. The same weapon that my sister uses on her boyfriend now and my mom secretly smiles, revelling in how the student has caught up with the master. If the bard was here today he would've said "Oh what a million words could not attain, a moment of silence did ..." Ladies and gents ... my one fiftieth of a dollar on one of womankind's most lethal strengths ...

No trick of the book is as deceptive as this one. All you have to do is keep mum!! Say nothing. It's that simple. Ideally all of us should be able to do it, right? This is when the buzzer rings and the red bulb flashes. Wronggggg!!!! The Silent Treatment is a master's art. One which is subtlety at its best. There are so many parameters and nuances - how long do you keep quiet, when do you start, how do you make the man realize that it's the silent treatment he is being subjected to and not just a peaceful day, what do you say to finally break the silence ... get it? What seems like a simple two step process (keep quiet, speak) is actually more complicated than tying your shoe laces with your arms tied behind your back.

For starters, silence will not buy you the reaction of remorse you want to see in your man. Because just silence will reveal it instantly that you are upset and the man will start with his acts of seeking (or is it pleading) forgiveness pronto. The silent treatment is like coffee - real pleasure requires prolonged simmering. So the trick is to not be completely silent but instead, be decreasingly vocal.

"Wanna go out for dinner?" the man would ask.

"No," you reply. Not a word more. Don't explain anything. Make him wonder if it's actually the beginning of the silent treatment or if it's just a terse reply.

"Wanna go for a movie?" he'll ask you soon, to reaffirm his fears.

"No," you reply again.

That's when the man gets freaked out. He's almost sure that he is being served the mother of all doses but he still has a spec of doubt.

"Are you angry?" he'll ask. Now you will be able to sense the urgency in his tone.

Don't say NO this time. Just nod your head. Maybe add "No, I'm fine."

This is when the man officially freaks out. See the reason why the silent treatment is so effective is because men never know what the woman is so angry for. It's the suspense that drives us nuts. Now all men know they screw up. More times than they should. So there is the guilty moments playing medley in their mind. However, they are just not sure which one blew his lady up.

"Is it because I called up your friend?" "Is it because I did not wash the dishes after eating?" "Is it because I called your mom fat and dad fatter? WHAT IS IT? Tell me. Tell me." They go berserk in no time.

And that is amazing for the ladies. Without saying anything they figure out all the things they should've been angry for - and that just adds on to their aggression.

At this point ladies, turn up the volume of the act. Gesticulation is thrown in. Start twitching your lips. Do the fake "I'm abt to cry and my eyes are almost red" eye motion. Maybe even sniff and breathe a few sighs. That'll scare the crap out of the man. Coz as I mentioned, the beauty of the Silent Treatment is that men have no clue how severe their blunder is and how long the ordeal will continue. It's like watching a Hindi soap on TV - ever week you think that the drama has reached it's peak but things still go on for fourteen years!!!!

And finally the outburst. Don't mess that up ladies. Then you have a great movie with a lame climax. Don't just blurt out "You forgot our five month three day anniversary" and spoil the classic moment. Either shout out loud or shed a few tears when you finally speak - but whatever you do pose the crime back to him as a question - "You don't know why I'm angry? Right? Ask yourself ..." Yes, this will just blow up your man. Then he knows that he is standing in the face of a canon - just waiting for you to blow it up!! And then .... go for the kill.

Sorry men. The silent treatment does NOT work on the ladies. They just think it's blissful silence. Also if done for long enough they don't serve you dinner and just say "If you were hungry, you should have just asked for food." So face it - we might score one up on them by peeing while standing - but when it comes to winning the battle with minimum words - they say(?) it best!!!


Isn't it unfair that women have so many "lethal weapons" and we men have none? :( All is not "fair" in this world I tell you!
"we might score one up on them by peeing while standing" - dint u get anythin( even jus a single 1 in the entire universe!!) better to state as an example??
good observation. i7, i think peeing came as an example in this post, becoz there was a previous post that analyzes it quite seriously. :).. anyway, my point is -everything gets fair n even for both the species when u look at the big picture, if u know what i mean..
dont u guys alwaz just answer in one word to any ques we ask...come on...face it! i dont even wanna say a one-liner...the only reply we get to any ques or anything we say is a 'ya' or a 'hmmm', 'mabbe' or sometimes only a nod of the head 4m u guys....so we hafta show u guys how u react to us rite...so tats y we adopt to the silent treatment....its basically a 'self realisation' treatment tat we r giving to the guys!!! we r just giving the guys a taste of their own act!
YOu don't write as often as I would like to read.

But when you do - its always a great post.

You seem to have a mastery of the intricacies of relationships - your own experience? or just learning from others?
@obese buddy - ha ha. well said. we men have one though. just try saying "err, have you put on some weight??" :P

@i7 - seriously, how gross am i????

@sundar - :) thanks for defending me man!

@xyz - awwwe! nobody who has ever known me has complained abt answering in one wrod - there has been several reverse complains though :)

@the one - thank you :)
yeeee ha ha ha ha ha...

the conversation just sounds so so so so much like the ones that I have with me lady love...

and u are right... it makes me go ballistic when she answers in monosyllables...

"No..." "No..." "No..." "No..." "No..." "No..." "No..." "No..." "No..." "No..." "No..." "No..."

is per haps the most repeated words in a woman's dictionary...


Love, laughter n keep the Faith

Geez, this is so right.
And at times like this, you actually get to know few more evil deeds that your man had been putting his hands into.
and when he keeps quiet, I get those peacefull sleep which seems to be light years away when he speaks.
beautifully put..
do write more often!
Ur blog archives have kept me entertained for a gud part of the last couple of weeks..i guess i do have too much free time on my hands too..
Nice work....keep them comin.. :)
And abt the silent treatment, its deceptively simple isnt it? ;)
@junior and his better 2/3 - the way the two of you have agreed to me claims makes me sure that one of you has been quite the giver of ST and the other one has been ... err ... if i may say "a slient receiver" :)

@wiseling - thank you :)

@di - deceptive - yes! simple - no idea :(
better 2/3???????

are you calling me and my girlfriend fat???

*fume* *fume*

Love, laughter n keep the Faith

lol! I was laughing all the way through this post! :-) Man you really do get girls. :-)

What guys should NOT do at this point would be - start saying sorry even though they have absolutely no idea what they did.
amazing !! very well written....hilarious !! :-)
keep posting...
Silent treatment must be great.. but doesn't work for me.. I just cant seem to keep shut **sigh** Desperately seeking another weapon..any research?
I am a bad one at this silent treatment.. does that make me less girly? :(

Anyways, looks like the Doctor Nandy has been subjected to it many times now.. :)
WELL...look whos talking!!! i think women should resort to such behavior SOMETIMES at least....when ALL the time they are told...'of course i love u...its just that men are not that good at expressing'......how can a man complain abt the silent treatment...when they NEVER express verbally what they feel????? except grunt n nod n make suggestive gestures....??
anyways congrats for getting married....hope u r as eloquent with ur wife as u r in ur posts....
How true.. but its seriously an art.. cause girls are mostly emotional, they cant hold back emotions for long..

But I have tried this few times, n hey it worked!!:)
This isnt called silent treatment - it's called "roothna manana" :).

And you know what guys typically do when given the so called silent treatment? (yes there are things that guys can get away with too). They very candidly state - "Gusse mein to tum aur bhee haseen lagtee ho, no seriously!" and give you the most heartmelting look. You think guys go ballistic? It's one of the most difficult things to do for a female - control the twitch of ur lips in the upward direction, maintain that frown/stern look/sad expression when you are raring to at least smile if not laugh, hold back that wistful comment - "at least I get a compliment with this treatment" :).. sigh.


omg this is frikking hilarious..:).
i know a boy who believes in the silent treatment. he doesn't realize how "girlish" and churlish it makes him seem. he thinks it is an act of high machismo.
[ps-my blog died. i'm still mourning.]
Any reason you have to reveal ALL our strategies. *glare* which might be followed by the *silent treatment*
First time visitor to your blog. Follow two levels of indirection to get here, but it was really worth the effort. Keep bloggin!!
"Silence is sometimes the severest criticism" ~ Charles Buxton

*second time visitor to ur Blog*
Btw, Nice n a Funny post ! ;)
...and now he is practicing it! ;)
Awesome post!LOL!! So funny yet so damn true! :)
Yep... terribly unfair... but now that we know what the silent treatment is all about we men must STOP Letting this silent treatment get the better of us!

If they are silent, they have nothing to say. END OF STORY! Sooner or later she will eventually come clean and tell you whats on your mind... or, she might dump you because you didn't reply to what she asked while being silent... (??? #@!$#%)
I always ask "what did i do?". If her respons is some ignorant jargon of intelligence that refers to the problem as "Everything" or "Nothing", I write it off as being childish.

Then I go do whatever it is I want to do WITHOUT THEM. I go have a good time, and make sure to tell her what I have done when I return, while she chose to root like a hog in her own self induced misery.
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this was a good post.nice write up

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