Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Massive Rant!!! 

Shilpa Shetty will beg India to forgive Jade Goody. Big f-ing deal. The article goes on to add "And she said she would even help Jade, the 25-year-old mum-of-two to her quest when she returns home". How chueet!

Now let me refresh some memories here now. Who is Shilpa Shetty? Errr, maybe I'm a lil lost here but when was the last time Ms. Shetty did something that caught public attention? I think it was 1938. Or whatever!! Bottom line, if at all anything, the media and Ms. Shetty and all her remaining twenty three fans should be thankful to Jade Goody for bringing her back to limelight.

Now get your bricks and barbed cynicism ready to hurl at me but to be very honest, I think that NOTHING strange happened in Big Brother. Why are we so freakin sensitive abt anything and everything said abt Indians? Big freaking deal that some half baked celebrity called our la-deeh-luh heroine "Shilpa Poppadum". I just find the whole thing to be a lack of imagination of Indian slurs. Seriously, Poppadum? That's the best you could do? Dudette you need serious coaching in the art of insult hurling. But then I digress.

So where was I? Right, on the whole Ms. Shetty "the victim of racism" debate. Let's analyze this a lil bit more. I believe the last group of people talking abt racial slurs should be Indians. As a group of people, we are probably one of the most racist in our outlooks. We take racism to all new levels. The granularity at which we perform racism is appalling. "Wow, you have South Indian friends?" "Woah, you are dating a Bong guy?" "I want my son to only marry an Iyer", "I will disown you if you do not marry someone from our sub caste" ... Sounds familiar. That's US. Yess. We carry on racism at state, city and language boundaries. We are the exact same nation where engineers stand days outside a college protesting against reservation, only to come back home and have their mom's put up matrimonial ads that read "Wanted girl from So and So state, Blah blah community and Yada Yada locality." That's how micro-granular our racism is. Anybody who has stepped out of their own states in India for college will be familiar with the terms - Illad, Gult, Bongs, Gujjus, Ghati, Marus etc. etc. etc. And that doesn't bother any of us - right? What bothers us is when somebody who is in a Reality Show that screams "we Want Controversies" calls one of our own Poppadum. Duh! Duh! Triple duh!

Gazillion ones amongst us have tried to mimic the British accent and made attempted humorous statements on how it sounds. And all that is fine - right. But when two Brits make fun of an Indian's accent we turn into a rebellious jingoistic lot - huh? Grow up people. Ask yourself honestly - have you never made fun of the way Bongs say "O to everything" (Obhishek and not Abhishek, Onita, Ojoy etc.), have you never made fun of how Tamilians say "Haich" for the letter H? Haven't you ever made fun Panjabis by cracking three borrowed jokes abt Santa and Banta? So why all these protests against Jade Goody? She's just like you, only with a different accent and a lesser repository of jokes. Seriously, I hate to see dalits being paraded naked in some Indian village and the news making one corner of the second page of the newspaper with no follow up actions, while Shilpa Shetty getting a second shot at stardom courtesy a show that showcases second tier celebrities and then sympathizing with her as a miserable wretch because someone called her a Poppadum.

Grow up ... or I'll just throw up.


Saturday, January 20, 2007

Err .. what was I thinking abt ... 

Woke up in the morning and had some thoughts. Shall sleep again now ...

Update!! Added the last one. It came up during a conversation today.

* While most men exude sex appeal, I let out an appeal for sex.

* They say, behind every successful man there is a woman. Now you know what women look forward to.

* If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then apples must be barred from doctor households.

* A woman wrote a note to me that read "Are you single?" I was bold over.

* There is a great movie called The Scent of Woman. Do you think they'll ever make a movie called Odour of a Man?

* I went to a bar and picked up quite a few women ... Then I put them back on the stools they were sitting on and they continued drinking.

* They say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Why can't it just be honest instead?

* I wrote this awesome spam blocker and sent out 1000 emails telling people about it.

* (New) One who laughs last ... probably didn't get the joke!


Monday, January 15, 2007

Cut to the chase!! 

"Haircuts!! Oh haircuts! What a pain in the rear side you art." I think Billy Skahespeare said that in some classic play. Ooops. My bad. It wasn't the bard. I think I just said that line instead. Seriously. Oh dear haircuts, what a scene maker you are!

I admire (or maybe envy) women for their haircutting ease. They know exactly what they want. I was once accidentally allowed inside a women's beauty parlour where my sister had gone for a haircut and I was awestruck by the preciseness of her requirements. "A step cut ... till here (gesticulating a point below her shoulder) ... I'll also get highlights ... blah blah shade ... only this part out here (once again using extremely precise gesticulation) ..." Wow! I said to myself. Boy, does my lil sissy know what she wants. As a man I'm always at a loss of words when I enter the barber's shop. Let me elaborate.

See the biggest problem with men is that they are not very sure what they exactly want. Like I know I want my hair spiky (coz there is no other freakin style that I can try with it). But I'm scared to tell my barber that. "I'd like to get a cut that helps me keep my hair spiky ..." "What kind of spikes?" he cuts me short. "What?? They have kinds of spikes? When did that happen?" Darn! There goes that adventure. So I give in to my standard "Cool. Just cut it short then" routine and he readily obliges.

Occasionally we know exactly what we want. It's that thing So and So actor did in So and So movie. I know. But then as member of the group of men who are always insecure abt revealing that they are aware of any kind of style, I too am embarrassed to ever make the statement "I want a cut like blah blah did in that cool movie." So once again I put my creativity into play and try to describe what exactly I think the cut is like and the result is disastrous more often than not. For example if I try to tell them that I want my jute like hair cut like Hugh Grant's in some movie (Oh come on all you men, you must have wanted some Hugh Grant hair style at some point), I end up saying "Well ... err ... I'd like to keep it ruffled but ... err a lil spiky as well ... like err ... well ... you know ... errr ... you know what, just make it short"!!!!

The funny part is that the barber's always try to help us out by having a chart of different hairstyles on their wall. This kinda seems to be a Universal trend intended to alleviate the aforementioned problems. You know what I'm talking abt, right? That strange collection of extremely happy looking guys in all sorts of hairdos. Personally speaking, I feel, that these models are normally from the bottom rung of the fashion industry. Seriously! Do you think any model ever wants to be a hair style model whose only moment of fame is on walls of barber shops??? But that's a separate story! For now let's go back to my plight - have you seen these charts? They all seem to be from the seventies. They all have that one gleeful guy who sports the Travolta Grease look. Ahem! Ahem! Now I know I'm not that young ... but Travolta is still old enough to be my father (or at least my uncle)!!!

There are other things that men have to deal with abt hair cuts that women don't have to deal with I guess. For example the whole after the haircut show the back of your neck using a mirror routine. I've got myself haircuts in quite a few places around the World and they all do this. Just before they are done, they bring a mirror and hold it close to your neck and you are supposed to see the mirror in the other mirror and pass on some compliments or at least acknowledge a job well done by giving a gracious nod. No seriously. What's that whole routine for? Have you ever seen any guy who has said "No that's not what I wanted with the hair on my neck!!" Coz by the time they show you the mirror - the haircut is done. It's not like the hair that you can see during the cut and actively give suggestions abt. I must have seen a few thousand men go through this act and not even once have I seen anybody complain after this whole two-mirror routine. You know why? Coz we don't have a freakin frame of reference. What are we comparing this too? Do we really care? You must have heard men express their dissatisfaction abt the haircut in front ."No, I want it a lil shorter here" or "I want the side burns trimmed thinner" etc. But have you ever seen a man who said anything after the two-mirror routine? NO! Coz we do not care. I think the whole thing is a marketing gimmick. That way the barber always ends the cut with us feeling that we have nothing to complain abt. Hmmmm!

Such hair raising stories these are!!


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