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Sunday, October 07, 2007

70mm annoyance!! 

Yeah yeah! I know I owe an explanation. To the remaining kind readers of this blog and to the kinder commenters (especially XYZ) who I've been bad towards. So what was the reason for the absence - well take your pick - it was either (i) I was being hounded by beautiful exotic women and found it difficult to give equal amount of time to all of them and blog or (ii) I was neck deep (actually make it mustache deep will ya) in work or (iii) the aliens abducted me. I'll give you a subtle hint - it wasn't (i) or (iii) - so now put those gray cells to good use and figure out the reason folks.

So I love movies (duh, you didn't figure that out from my blog yet). And I actually pay and watch them in the true big screen experience. I do not download movies and hardly ever rent DVDs. I do not write movies off before actually watching them and I give every movie a chance. I also have no pretension about my movie taste being extremely base. I don't know anything about difficult to pronounce European directors and I value MTV movie awards more than the Golden Palme. I just watch movies for entertainment. My logic is simple - I'm giving you $10 to make me not think about things I would've otherwise thought about for the next 2 hours (three and a half hours if it is a Karan Johar movie). If you succeed in doing that then you deserve my money. Simple.

So I was in India recently and true to my nature I watched a bunch of movies and the Indian movie goers gave me enough reason to write a rant post. I know, I know. Another Indian specific rant. You think I'm that guy - the one who stays in US for three months and brings soap for neighbors and tells them stories about how backward India is and how he can no longer tolerate India - "yehaan AC nahin hai", "mineral water milega?", "mineral water thanda nahin hain - probably because yehaan AC nahin hai" ... Sadly I'm not that guy and even if I was, I clearly wouldn't admit that on my blog - duh!! So I shall put forward my points as to why Indian movie goers piss me off and then you can correct me - deal?

For starters, what's this with Indian movie goers and the guessing game? Do you get extra points for guessing the next scene in a movie? No seriously, what's the prize? "I think he is the murderer." "No no, she is the murderer." "No no. She is a he." Guess what? I have two words for you - "Duck Odd" and yes I know I got my Ds and Fs mixed up. So if the fifteen over zealous people who were sitting behind me for Dhol (which is a very bad movie btw) are reading this - I really don't care where you thought the Dhol was. I rarely am tense about mysteries in movies because I KNOW THEY WILL REVEAL IT IN AN HOUR. So shut up and let me watch the movie will you. What is it about movies alone that makes us do this? Have you ever seen people do this during a cricket game - "I think Sachin will hit a four." "No No I think Brett Lee will get a wicket". We never do that. But give us a movie and we suddenly put a Sherlock hat on. And it's not just for mystery movies - we do it for any movie. Even while sitting in US I had 4 very annoying people sitting behind me when I was watching Chak De India, trying to guess what will happen in every hockey game. Grrrrr!!!

Ok. My next rant is specific to Indians in US. Children. Yes, children. They are soooooo cute. Awwwwwww. But PLEASE KEEP THEM AT HOME WHEN YOU COME FOR MOVIES. Now correct me here. Have you ever seen Americans bring their one year old infants to movies. NO. They spend on a nanny and make sure that they enjoy the movie and let others do the same too. Now ask your self. When was the last time you went for an Indian movie in US where a kid didn't start crying? I think we all get angry but just keep quiet because its a kid. Would you keep quiet if a forty year old man started crying while you are watching a movie and started telling his wife that he is hungry - no you would beat the crap out of him. So parents of toddlers who bring them to movies - please be considerate towards others. How will you like it if I went to your house and shouted while your kid was trying to sleep - get it?

Talking about kids and movies its time for some digression. What is so sweet about grown up actors and actresses trying to play with under dressed kids from third World countries in their movies? How many Indian movies have you seen where the actor and actress, in the middle of a song, just walk into a bunch of street kids playing soccer and join them. The clip then normally gets into slow motion mode and everybody is shown having such a nice time. Occasionally there will be water in the form of rain or a water hydrant. All the kids and actors will then get wet and dance around even more. Now even American movies have started using this concept. I saw the Heartbreak Kid last night (funny in parts) and even they used the exact same concept. Grrrrrr. I have actually played cricket on the streets and never remember any sweet couple joining us for an impromptu party. If at all anything, all the couples in our area hated us because there was an outside chance of getting hit by a ball while they tried to go on sweet walks. Hmmmm.

Oh I have sooo much more to rant about. The annoying bunch of teenagers who think they are really witty and fill the movie up with smart ass comments (now that I have seen in US as well). Newly married couples who choose the movie as a way of showing affection - "You want popcorn? You want soda? You want pastry? You want popcorn, pastry and soda ..." People who have business deals on their cell phone while others are trying to figure out where the Dhol is - "Haan Sharma ji. Aaap sign kar dijiye. Abhi khatam hoga picture ... mein adha ghanta mein aata hoon ... aap popcornn lengey ..." So much to rant about but alas the aliens are here for abduction again - so later :)

P.S. Next post will be absolutely rant free :)

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